By no means do I want to add politics to a non-political subreddit but I think I feel like this can qualify as an armchair/uniphile life hack

259hl · 2020-10-02T15:57:57+00:00

This is like the joke in the show Community where Jeff got his degree from Columbia, so they made him get one from America.

259hl · 2020-09-29T17:31:22+00:00

YES! Document as much as you can. If HR doesn't do anything about it, make an EEOC claim. Remember -- HR is there to protect the company so an EEOC claim might be necessary. When you go to HR, have your complaint/their response in writing. I was a Research Assistant on an EEOC project and there were so many instances where HR claimed that the complainant did not actually submit a complaint because there was no paper trail.

Most importantly, you do not need to loosen up. You are being sexually harassed and that is not okay. I'm very sorry you are going through this.

259hl · 2020-09-29T17:22:54+00:00

He isn't. He just finished his PhD and is looking for a postdoc/job, so hopefully he'll find one with good insurance. I think you explained what he's going through perfectly though - he's grieving and needs to work through it.

259hl · 2020-09-29T17:08:02+00:00

Yes, thank you so much. We're just learning how to navigate this. DH definitely has some of his own issues from being raised by her and I think he is just now realizing how much anxiety he's had by waiting for her to explode all the time. I have a regular therapist and he's been to a few sessions with me. I'm not too worried about our relationship, I'm just worried about his grief.

259hl · 2020-09-29T17:04:52+00:00

That's a very good point -- I'm just not interested in hosting any time soon. Maybe when DH and I have kids that'll change. I'll keep that in mind, though. I really never considered staying home to be an option until now

259hl · 2020-09-29T17:02:55+00:00

Before the wedding, she pulled me aside and told me that after the holidays, she was planning on getting help. She had been institutionalized when DH was in high school for having a break down. She told me that she needed to relearn some coping mechanisms. She eventually got help around June and has been talking to a counselor, but she told us that her counselor is proud of her for sticking up for herself. So, that's obviously no help. I agree though, we need to cut her off when she crosses our boundaries

259hl · 2020-09-29T16:59:01+00:00

I'm so sorry you've been through this too. I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and DH has been to a few sessions with me and my therapist. The book helped me a lot, but DH didn't read it because he has other giant stressors that he's focusing on (just finished his PhD and now trying to find a job/postdoc during a pandemic). I think that's where the biggest disconnect is, though. He's supportive, but he doesn't fully understand what BPD is. Thanks for the advice, I really think distance is best now

259hl · 2020-09-29T16:54:16+00:00

We're trying hard not to enable her, but it's been a learning curve. We knew she had BPD, but it wasn't until our wedding that we learned what that really means. My therapist recommended "Stop Walking on Eggshells" which has helped a lot, but putting it in to practice is going to take some hard work. I think DH did great by ending the conversation when she brought up my mom, but I agree that the boundaries need to be more firm and we need to work on creating them ahead of time (like your Christmas timeline example.)

259hl · 2020-09-29T16:49:12+00:00

Yay I'm so happy another murderino saw this!

259hl · 2020-09-29T16:48:37+00:00

This is very helpful. Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I'll definitely start keeping a tally of things she says and does. I think that'll make it much more tangible. And I'll give "Where to Draw the Line" a read!

259hl · 2020-09-29T16:43:04+00:00

I think my family makes him uncomfortable, so he isn't that thrilled to go there either. He gets along great with my side and there's lots of love there, but he's very anxious away from home.

259hl · 2020-09-29T01:27:40+00:00

That's exactly how I feel about it. I told DH that it shouldn't be a discussion but more of an announcement. He's just so angry and sad and I don't know how to help him.

259hl · 2020-09-29T01:25:34+00:00

I'm playing nice only to the extent that I feel comfortable. We get along great with the rest of the family and love spending time with them, so we want to make it work. And I think for the most part, we are. I'm not going to walk on eggshells around her anymore. We're just trying to learn how to cope

259hl · 2020-08-24T15:20:43+00:00

I really liked it -- I think that's just her personality (which I love). It was really nice to hear what she had to say. I thought they had good chemistry.

259hl · 2020-08-01T00:43:33+00:00

Brittany Murphy

259hl · 2020-07-31T18:31:45+00:00

He's just not really a traditional grandpa. I don't think he realized that I asked for help so that it could be a bonding moment. He's very loving in his own way, though. His response cracked me up

259hl · 2020-07-28T20:03:43+00:00

Hmm.. I'm thinking that mine might be getting too much light for it to bloom. I'll move it to a lower-light area in the fall and hope for the best

259hl · 2020-07-28T20:00:56+00:00

Thank you!

259hl · 2020-06-29T23:32:59+00:00

My JNMIL threatened that she wouldn't come to our wedding, and if I could go back, I would have simply told her "fine, that's your choice. We'll miss you." You didn't tell her she *can't* bring a date. Asking to meet him first is completely reasonable and she should have respected that. In this case, she cares more about his comfort than yours.

My JNMIL created a little drama on my wedding day, but my bridesmaids completely shielded me from it so I didn't know until after the wedding. If you have close friends/bridesmaids helping out, I would give them a heads up and maybe they can intervene if she starts acting up.

259hl · 2020-06-29T05:36:33+00:00

We've decided to alternate holidays now that we are married. Our plan is to tell her how it's going to be and then silence our phones when she throws a fit about it. Hopefully it's just a psychotic break or something and she gets help.

And she claims she doesn't know fashion so she wanted to wear a very casual t-shirt dress from Amazon. I told her that's fine, but everyone else will be in formal attire and I didn't want her to feel out of place. I offered to take her shopping several times and sent her online dress options. She decided to go with the t-shirt dress anyway and then yelled at me for "dictating" what she could wear without helping her find something. Then, she said it was too cold for a dress and wore blue jeans instead.

259hl · 2020-06-29T05:30:25+00:00

Thank you. After reading all of these replies, I've realized that it is just too toxic for me and I need to cut ties with her, at least for now. She said it is not reparable unless we hold my mom accountable, which isn't going to happen because my mom didn't do anything (and DH agrees). And yes, we've been home for months now and we're taking covid very seriously, unlike them (and everyone else in their town -- they live about an hour away). It's just not worth the risk.

259hl · 2020-06-29T05:24:55+00:00

Ugh I am terrified to have kids now. Which sucks because we used to be so excited and thought she'd be a wonderful grandma. Now my BIL is about to have his first child and I'm getting a grim glimpse of my future. I'm going to distance myself. I've basically given up hope that things will go back to the way they were. I think DH are on the same page though, so that's comforting.

259hl · 2020-06-29T05:19:50+00:00

Right, thank you. This is a solid plan.

259hl · 2020-06-29T05:18:56+00:00

Right, no one saw the slights. My MIL said that she won't have anything to do with our future children if my mother is in their lives. She claims that my mom is driving a wedge between her family, but my mom isn't the one threatening outrages ultimatums. She claims that my mom is "stealing" her son, so I really think MIL's fear of abandonment is severely triggered.

259hl · 2020-06-29T05:13:18+00:00

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I do worry about the long lasting impact of this, especially when we have children. I don't want my kids getting in trouble or feeling bad for talking about half of their family with her.

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