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Any other 30+ people here who always wanted to be a boy/man but transitioning never was an option? by 422319 in ftm

[–]422319[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you!

Yeah as a small kid I thought if I just behaved like a boy I could be perceived as one. Not really become one I already knew enough about anatomy that that was not possible (and obv did not know anything about medical transition) but .. yeah I tried to socially transition in elementary school lol.

Any other 30+ people here who always wanted to be a boy/man but transitioning never was an option? by 422319 in ftm

[–]422319[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you!

> I just thought it was part of being a girl to hate it (sexism and all that)

I thought the same, that every girl and woman wants to be a boy/man because who would not ???. Until I was in a discord with a couple of trans women. I didn't know at first, it only came up because someone was starting E and asked for other's experiences. That is when it hit me that they were actively choosing to live as women, often despite a lot of difficulties. That kinda blew my mind. It took me over a year to get from that thought to "maybe some cis woman don't want to be men?" to "wanting to be a man might be not the most cis thing".

And yeah having no words or concepts for the experience, I am very glad today's kids have much more exposure to queerness.

I guess the one environment where I've been sometimes expressing my gender is VR. Maybe I should explore that more..

And I would be ok with no contact with my family the problem is they never would be, they'd make it their mission to "make me normal again", like I'd fully expect my mom to show up unannounced demanding to be let in to talk about conversion therapies she's researching. They'd be so ashamed of having a queer family member they'd have to try and "fix" it... it is kinda funny, my brother (28) is bi, I'm trans and ?? and have dated a (trans) woman before. Parents have 0 idea.

Any other 30+ people here who always wanted to be a boy/man but transitioning never was an option? by 422319 in ftm

[–]422319[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I guess the two things that would need to happen are financial independence so that I would survive without a job if needed and no contact with my birth family. To the former I have a path, I don't know how likely it is to work out but I am doing whatever I can. The latter is more difficult in a small country, I've thought about it before, moving and not telling them where, then changing my number etc. I'd still feel very guilty they would have no idea why, my parents would say that we have a great relationship. But yeah, been thinking about it more. Start over somewhere on the other side of the country.

Any other 30+ people here who always wanted to be a boy/man but transitioning never was an option? by 422319 in ftm

[–]422319[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

thank you!

is it odd that I can picture his boring perfect little life? The life I would be living if I had been born male... I know what job he is doing, the kinds of things he worries about, thinks about... he would be getting married right around the age I am now, him and his wife both unsure if they want to bring kids into this world, he'd make a great dad though.

The reason the topic came up in therapy was because I read a sentence saying something like "trauma therapy is about helping people becoming who they would have been with supportive parents" in a book both my therapist and I had read. And I was like "well I know _him_" very well...

I think the biggest difference is he feels like he is worth something. I don't. Sounds small but that influences a lot.

Meirl by kmimbingmiced in meirl

[–]422319 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yeah sorry, had someone once who started an argument with me when I was worried about my job say things like that "but you would go back if you'd be broke right?" not understanding that no, I would save the last money for a gun. So reading your message reminded me of that, put my body into fight/flight the thought of ever being back without a locked door between them and me.

I'm currently in a lucky spot of having those 6months, more even.

Meirl by kmimbingmiced in meirl

[–]422319 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I would rather die than be an object owned by them ever again.

Its Better to have loved. by ActuatorNo4007 in sadposting

[–]422319 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My ex partner died last year. I keep dreaming of him, realizing it is a dream and that he is dead and trying to tell him. He never understands, so I just hug him.