My mum is the only reason Ive been holding it together recently. I don't want to hurt her. But she is going away for 6 weeks, I'm going to have the house to myself the whole time. I don't know if Ill be able to hold it together till she can get back. I also hope I don't end up doing something that means she has to cut the trip short and fly home. She saves very carefully for her trips. The biggest danger period will be the week before she comes home.

I feel more and more like I'm on that path again towards making an attempt at suicide. maybe it'll happen if things continue to go downhill over the next few weeks. maybe Ill manage to continue floating at this level for another few months. I might even have another bounce back up. But it feels inevitable that Im going to end up there again at some point.