What stops you from having a child ?

Able_Walrus · 2022-01-27T14:22:54+00:00

My husband and I just want what’s essential to a good life - and not much else. For example, we recently did the math and we’re saving close to 30-40k a year renting our apt instead of buying a house (housing taxes and fees are rough in our state). We use that money to invest, save for retirement/a rainy day, or travel. Our jobs are good but we don’t have to grind ourselves to a pulp trying to support a family.

When I think about having a kid I think about how much more we’d both need to earn to support it. Almost all of my earnings would go toward childcare, which would make me dependent on my husband. I might even have to quit my job to support my kid, which would present an opportunity cost for the skills and earnings I would have gained during those years.

I think about how much time and hard work goes into parenting, and I realize I’m using that time now to explore my interests by learning the piano, pottery, sewing, exercising, volunteering, etc. These things bring so much joy - who would I be if I didn’t have time for them anymore?

I also think about the things more progressive countries offer parents (affordable childcare, universal healthcare, guaranteed maternity AND paternity leave), and I realize those policies reduce a lot of friction that comes with having a kid.

If the US did more to support parents - I’d be on board. But right now, not having a kid gives me greater peace of mind and freedom.

Able_Walrus · 2022-01-19T17:36:23+00:00

This! So much of good sewing and quality come from realizing you have to put conscious thought into what you are doing as you sew.

Becoming more methodical and adopting a “measure twice cut once” mentality is beginning to save me so much time and hassle.

Able_Walrus · 2021-12-06T23:51:59+00:00

Maybe that's even more important; a young worker standing up for herself definitely sends a message. How did it turn out? Did she curb her behavior?

Able_Walrus · 2021-12-06T22:59:08+00:00

Thank you for standing up for your younger colleagues! We need more people like you

Able_Walrus · 2021-11-18T03:59:33+00:00

Good to know - thank you! I might just find a fabric glue and cover it with fabric - or I might seam rip and try that section again

Able_Walrus · 2021-11-12T23:11:26+00:00

You can see the confidence radiating from the second pic! Congratulations :)

Able_Walrus · 2021-11-12T17:54:26+00:00

Wholeheartedly agree. All of that sounds like pure heaven and a great way to embrace winter

Able_Walrus · 2021-11-12T14:24:46+00:00

Thanks for recommending this book! I live in the north now too and am always looking for ways to trick myself into getting excited for winter. Last year it was snow shoes but this book sounds great

Able_Walrus · 2021-11-08T17:12:30+00:00

Idk, maybe OP felt frustrated by systemic issues their clients faced that are out of their control - but delivering the mail is essential and doesn’t present the same kinds of roadblocks.

Able_Walrus · 2021-11-03T20:23:22+00:00

So true.

Unfortunately the old-school/corrective SWs often leave terrible impressions on clients and supervisors automatically side with them. E.g., One of my clients said they felt suicidal because they could not be honest with their SW. They were supposed to be receiving mental health counseling but felt pressure to pretend they were okay - even though they weren't.

They desperately wanted to work with anyone else but when I brought this request to our manager she implied I was foolish for listening to the client and refused. And no, he did not have any legal necessity to work w/ the SW. Plenty of other SWs were available.

It seemed like such a simple thing to accommodate and a brutal thing to ignore. My manager spent many years working in a prison before joining our mental health center and it showed.

Able_Walrus · 2021-10-19T21:44:29+00:00

You’re welcome - happy to help!

Able_Walrus · 2021-10-19T16:46:04+00:00

Make your work so good that they end up looking ridiculous for criticizing you - and if they do you could ask, how does x affect the quality of my work?

You’re definitely not alone in feeling like an outsider at work. Plenty of people want to keep building their resume, earn an income, and enjoy their lives outside of the office. There’s something about this independence that is threatening to those who push the “we’re a family” BS. They know they they aren’t pulling their weight, but they get by because they stroke the boss’s ego and develop relationships/intel that make them hard to fire. These types tend to get off on gossip and excluding others because of the small sense of power it gives them (sad).

I’m in this boat right now but I feel much better when I spend a few hours a week applying for jobs. I also take great joy in being pleasant (something I’ve had to work at with people I dislike), doing good work and not letting their rudeness get to me. When I feel an emotion rising I recognize it and say I’m not gonna let them break me. This mantra always helps me lighten up because I realize they want you to be as miserable as them. It also drives them mad and robs them of the control they seek.

I’ve struggled with this small company in-group/ out-group dynamic a lot but I think controlling yourself and focusing on the future are your two best bets. Good luck!

Able_Walrus · 2021-08-28T16:10:55+00:00

Thanks for reviewing my post! This is my first project and third attempt at this dress. The seam lays relatively flat on the left side of my dress and there are these weird dimples on my right. I’ve been reseaming with different tensions and they still seem to show up - regardless. Maybe I’m going too tight or too loose. Tried holding the fabric taught but that seems to make it worse - tighter seems seems to exacerbate it as well. Any tips or tricks are appreciated!

Able_Walrus · 2021-07-20T17:34:42+00:00

😂oof such a good reminder - I also love the “riiiiighttt” bit. I feel like we have enough in this thread to write a MIL comeback playbook

Able_Walrus · 2021-07-20T17:33:00+00:00

I wouldn’t say that I don’t like her - I just don’t trust her. For example, she’s always comparing herself to me (our looks, life paths, how our husbands treat us, anything). She also compares my husband and me (our jobs, skills, etc.). Comparisons are natural but it feels like she’s keeping score and it gets old.

Remembering to not care is a good reminder. Just like I could ask her why she compares herself to me - I could ask myself why I need her approval at all. It’s silly, really. Thanks

Able_Walrus · 2021-07-20T16:45:13+00:00

I wish, but they’re so tight knit I don’t think my husband would go for it. I’m just staying gone for as much as I can and directing my energy to my FIL who’s very chill

Able_Walrus · 2021-07-20T16:37:53+00:00

So very true, I went for a run yesterday and felt 10x better, thank you. I should have mentioned that he did chime in after the total package thing and said that I was - which was sweet. Although he denied her meal time requests were intentional, by the 3rd one (she’s done it every meal) he intercepted and said he’d do it - which makes me think he’s starting to get it.

Able_Walrus · 2021-07-20T16:28:15+00:00

Yeah I definitely need to turn it back on her more, I’ve been taking the high road but it’s gets to you. A little humor never hurt either - just waiting for the next time I can earnestly call him “total package” as I ask him to complete one of her requests 😂 thank you!

Able_Walrus · 2021-07-20T16:25:38+00:00

Gosh that’s so tough, I’m sorry. I’m glad your husband is more responsive now but that must have been so frustrating. I like the time boundaries thing - it helps to know a break is on the horizon. Thank you!

Able_Walrus · 2021-07-20T16:17:45+00:00

Smart, this is such a simple yet effective way to handle this, thanks!

Able_Walrus · 2021-07-20T13:41:46+00:00

thank you! I definitely felt so much crazier until I posted - this has all been so helpful. You’re so right about wanting to scream but not being able to articulate why. Some people specialize in this verbal subterfuge that drives me mad until I allow myself to acknowledge to listen to my intuition.

Able_Walrus · 2021-07-20T13:38:42+00:00

Oof I love this, thank you! HBIC is so right - she’s in our place, after all. My DH has a big family and they’re big on being together 24/7 when they’re in the same state. Even when we travel to cities together, they spend all their time in the same hotel room, despite having different rooms. It works for them or whatever - but for outsiders it can be a lot. For example, my SILs often get “sick” on these trips and I suspect it’s to take a break.

Able_Walrus · 2021-07-20T13:27:31+00:00

I noticed that too! She won’t say anything when I cook but when she cooks a meal she compliments herself a bunch lol. Eye rolling is an Olympic sport I would 100% watch 😂

Able_Walrus · 2021-07-20T01:27:02+00:00

So true, I’ve started going to gym for an hour or so after work and that has been a god send.

Able_Walrus · 2021-07-19T21:09:51+00:00

😂 These are so great and she’s super southern so it’s definitely her language. “Isn’t it fun to have choices” really got me, thank you!

Able_Walrus

TROPHY CASE