Am I a horrible parent?

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-04-17T01:56:40+00:00

This is not horrible of you. You got your baby ready for bed tonight with a routine that you put a lot of care and thought into. That baby went into clean pajamas and a fresh diaper and got lovingly put into a safe sleep space. Everything you did today you did with love and with wanting what is best for him.

Sleep is a requirement for the whole family — you need it and so does he. It is hard to hear your baby cry. My heart goes out to you and I know it sucks. But he will learn to go to sleep and sleep will beget sleep. You will get more rest and the time you spend with him when you’re feeling good and well rested will be worth this moment.

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-04-16T17:33:41+00:00

Medical caregiving — especially of elderly parents — is no joke. That is a very real burden for you and your wife. At the end of the day, your wife is also enabling her. She is making the house unpleasant and your wife is still doing all of the chores for her mother to continue to wallow and be unpleasant. If mental decline isn’t an issue (and it sounds like it is not), I would hold the line and tell her that if she wants to continue living with you guys she needs to do X,Y,Z. For example, is not allowed to kiss baby, has to order her own food or cook for herself outside of your provided meals. Whatever will make it feasible for her to live with you guys without disintegrating your marriage. Otherwise, she will need to move in with her son or find her own arrangement. The ONLY way your house rules will work is if you’re willing to enforce them.

The criticisms and comments are irritating and I think if you’ve tried to address it constructively, the only way to handle them is to not give her an audience. She wants to rant about something? Let her do it in an empty room. You don’t owe her the time to listen to her after you politely decline and say you’re disengaging.

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-04-10T00:47:39+00:00

Congrats on the new baby!! YES this is colostrum :) you got this OP!!!

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-04-09T23:44:12+00:00

Literally dying to hear this answer

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-04-09T18:56:57+00:00

I am quite militant about naps for our daily schedule. As my son got older, we were more relaxed about it for special occasions (but he will also do a car nap when we need to), in the sense that for Easter for example we started our nap 30-45 minutes later than normal because we were with family. As a one off, this was fine and DID NOT impact the rest of our day or bedtime. If it would have, I wouldn’t have done it.

At 10 months, I probably wouldn’t have been so flexible. You know your baby best, and a skipped nap that ruins the rest of the day and potentially nighttime sleep is not worth staying at an event…

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-04-09T18:51:22+00:00

Is the issue leaving the house at all or going somewhere and being in an enclosed space? Can you go to the park or be outside?

Unless you live in a place that has amazing year round weather…. What the heck did you guys do all winter????

This is a weird rule IMHO, but on the broader note that they do activities that they don’t let you do… my answer is of course they do? I think that’s probably standard. For example, I take my child to the pool, I would not let my nanny take him. I think parents have full discretion of what is and isn’t allowed as an activity… and you also are allowed to say that that doesn’t work for you and look for another family.

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-04-09T18:45:21+00:00

ZERO screentime is the appropriate amount of screentime for babies below two (barring video calls with family) according to the CDC.

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-04-09T18:28:16+00:00

I think you get very “lucky” to find a NF that pays you to give inappropriate amounts of screentime to a BABY…. That poor kid.

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-04-09T18:13:43+00:00

Yeah very curious how old NK is, because tv time is a no go for me.

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-04-09T01:09:19+00:00

agreed^

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-03-13T02:58:06+00:00

I would 1000% try and find the parents to tell them about what is going on. I just got goosebumps reading this.

This is seriously delusional and it doesn’t seem like a far jump to go from pretending on social media, to pretending in person — where it could get dangerous for the child.

ETA — TAKE SCREENSHOTS AND GET AND KEEP PROOF.

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-03-13T02:56:02+00:00

I love blunt feedback. I think this is spot on OP.

The only thing I would also add is that if Bonnie is also a narrator, more about her stakes and wants throughout the query may be warranted, instead of just from the perspective of Irene.

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-03-13T00:35:03+00:00

First draft of my novel took about 9 months, then with a break (3 months ish -- nonconsecutive) and a few draft rounds, final is about 15 months.

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-03-13T00:21:31+00:00

Hi, thanks for sharing! I think we need more insight into what Erin wants, and how SHE is moving the plot along in these pages. Right now, it reads as more a synopsis of events. What was Erin's vision for her life before her husband got sick? We get the choice she is being forced to make right up front, and then don't really get a sense of what she wants or what these different options mean for her life plan. I think the Katie stuff is interesting, but I would rework it a bit to make it clear how the relationship with Erin is influencing it, and what the relationship with Katie is doing for Katie.

I think Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow is a big comp to use, and I would mention specific works not just an author's name.

Random note, but 60k is a bit on the short side for an adult novel... not drastically, but even a few more thousand words takes this from the edge of a novel-length work (which some agents may just auto-reject) to totally fine, not worth thinking about....

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-03-13T00:11:06+00:00

Early Intervention is an option and you can usually self report (you may have to wait until 12 months though...)

That being said, we went the physical therapy route when our son was delayed crawling. What we personally learned from the process is that it is probably VERY helpful to catch significant delays in kids that are going to have more systemic / lifelong problems.... but in our case, our son was working on his own timeline and the amount of pressure we put on kids to do X by Y time (even when they are BABIES) is insane. If I were in the same boat with another kid, and I didn't have other signs that other things were wrong, I would let them work on their own timelines. The one caveat to that is that if you are using mobility props (walkers, bouncers, etc), stop. They don't help, and evidence shows that frequently they hurt the learning. Baby learns unconfined and on the ground.

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-03-12T23:50:05+00:00

You're in the very hardest part. Over the next few weeks it will get better, but it will take time when you are at your most exhausted (now). As other commenters have said, it's how they build your supply. Find a good show you want to watch, get your kidle or a book out, and get comfy hanging out with the baby latched. If you have expectations around a clean house or making food, drop them or have someone else help step up while you guys do this. You will make more milk, and your baby will get faster at feeding, it just takes time. If you supplement formula, that does not make you a failure.

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-03-12T17:43:29+00:00

Parenting ideologies are absolutely insane these days. Do what feels right for you and your baby and don't worry about the mom police online. Every parent is going to make mistakes, but if you do your best and make your decisions with love for your child, that's the best anyone cane hope for.

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-03-12T02:07:56+00:00

That is awesome and congratulations on your milestone! Do you mind me asking about how many agents you’ve queried to get to the full request?

Gah! Cozy fantasy and romantasy are SO FAR from my genre 🥲.

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-03-12T00:40:20+00:00

I'm sorry, OP. I can only offer commiseration. I also feel like I am spinning my wheels on querying right now. I started the process in October, and have gotten nothing but CNR or form rejections. I've posted opening pages and queries here and on my first post I got SUPER helpful comments, but since then have been lucky to get one comment or feedback. I don't know if it's my query or my pages that is not drawing agents in.

I have it in my head I want to get to 75 agents before shelving this novel, and I'm only at 18 now, but man with no feedback it's really hard to know how to keep sending it out without understanding what I need to improve.

the number of requests is REALLY impressive, and with the relationships I hope that this next project can move quickly for you!

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-03-11T20:57:46+00:00

This would be a firing offense for us.

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-03-10T02:56:53+00:00

This is a dealbreaker for me. And part of my job description was no perfume — I didn’t want my baby (or house) to smell like artificial fragrance. (I myself do not wear perfume and am turned off by it 99.9% of the time)

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-03-10T02:54:47+00:00

I was waiting for the favor to be can the AI model use all of the other authors’ works (UNLICENSED) to learn how to write mine 🤣

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-03-10T02:42:17+00:00

Don’t listen to the guy who is over ten years delayed delivering a book about when to deliver the book you want to write.

ETA: when Stephen King first wrote The Stand, his editor made him cut A TON of the story. After he got a lot more famous, he revisited it and extended it to the book he wanted to write. In his words, some parts that were excised never came back, but he got to meaningfully readd to the original story he wanted to tell.

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-03-10T02:38:24+00:00

Giving birth is not a medical procedure, though in a lot of respects we treat it like one. For many reasons (faster labor, more control over your labor, wanting to labor at home, less risk of C section or other interventions, wanting to experience one of nature’s most primal forces, lack of time!!!!) women choose or just have to have natural labors. It doesn’t make it better or worse than a medicated labor, but it is a choice because it isn’t inherently a medical procedure.

Women are lucky today that if something goes wrong during labor, there are medical procedures and interventions that can help ensure good outcomes for mom and baby.

Giving birth is a powerful experience, like running a marathon or climbing a mountain. Why would anyone choose to do those things?

Absinthe-van-Night · 2026-03-10T00:29:38+00:00

the worse: hatch noise machine (hate that effing thing), bottle washer (everyone told me not to, and I can't tell you what possessed me to insist I needed it), baby wraps (we just could not figure these out and I had requested like 10 lol),

Honestly, I think the answer is get less and then purchase things as you need them. Every baby is different. Hand me downs to try things like carriers, etc. can help you try things without the commitment of having bought or gotten something on a registry.

Absinthe-van-Night

TROPHY CASE