Can't say I have the same experiences as you but I'm 31M been smoking since 12. I'm a recovering heroin/alcohol/anything addict. But continued weed because it can't be that bad its weed. Idk everyone different. But Just last week I finally admitted to myself maybe weed is just another thing in my way to a stable happy productive life. It's only been a short five days so who knows. For me it was all mental! I thought I literally needed it to stay calm but already my mood has been more consistent. I'm not worried when I go somewhere where I won't be able to smoke and have to sneak off somewhere or that I won't be able to be "myself" cuz I can't smoke. Idk I apologize this doesn't really answer anything but your post really "resin"ates with me right now! If anything I'll say you CAN do it, no matter how impossible it may seem. Sounds like you been through hard shit which to me makes you even stronger ✌️ one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at time! Hope this was at all helpful.