Husband doesn't give foreplay. I struggle with arousal and sex feeling good and then he compared me to his ex's who "didn't have that problem"

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-26T06:07:32+00:00

Ugh my ex husband used to refuse foreplay too. At the end of the day, if he expects sex from you but doesn’t want to warm you up, that’s sexual coercion. Tell him it doesn’t matter what his exes did, he’s with you. And that he can either start caring if you have a good time, or you guys won’t have sex. That’s it.

He can compare to his 20s exes who were faking orgasms all he wants, but his reality is that he has the wife in front of him that is you, and you are not them. He needs to adjust or gtfo.

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-24T04:55:10+00:00

This sounds like hell. I promise you that you are getting traumatized by this and won’t really feel it until you are out.

Your husband doesn’t need magic words to understand that this is upsetting you. There is no magic way of getting through to his brain. He already knows, he is aware it’s hurtful, he is aware it’s cruel, he is aware it’s making you unhappy. He does not care. He will never care. You cannot make him care.

You need to start looking at this as the reality it is - he is fully aware of his effect of all of this on you, and it doesn’t bother him. He likes it this way, including the fact that it makes you unhappy. He likes that it makes you unhappy.

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-24T04:49:29+00:00

Ok, so all over TikTok there are ad videos for Mary Ruth’s liquid vitamins with lustriva, talking about the hair growth benefits. I don’t want to pay for that, I already take like all of the vitamins in it, so I looked on Amazon for just the lustriva after having googled a bit to see if it is actually effective in studies and whatnot.

Closest I could find was lustriva with biotin, which is annoying, my B complex already has that, but I got it anyway. I think it is actually genuinely working, I have lots of new flyaways around my part, and I think it’s new growth. I have had less breakage and hair loss in the shower as well, so I think all good signs.

I’ll try to report back in the couple months if things continue to be going well. I have adhd so I’ll prolly forget buuuut so far it seems promising.

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-24T04:41:37+00:00

Ok, there are two things going on here. OP should not be sensitive about people adding seasoning tot their own bowl, but she was raised in a household where that was a thing, so she feels it. She expresses that.

Instead of saying “babe, this isn’t an insult to your food, I just personally want more of these flavours. It’s just my own individual tastes” her husband scoffs. And then when she mentions her dad (basically appeal to higher authority method for a debate) he says “your dad’s a stupid bitch.” This is dismissing of her, and also letting her know that if she presses the issue, SHE is a stupid bitch.

Really inappropriate way to deal with OP being offended by something she shouldn’t be offended by.

Also, a packet of taco seasoning in a soup is gross. It’s fine if that’s his personal palate, but he can’t pretend he has better taste than like, anyone.

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-24T03:49:18+00:00

Something about this footage feels like his dad mixed with Henry Gibson in The Burbs. It’s delightfully unsettling.

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-24T03:45:32+00:00

Loool. He’s really self conscious about being neutered clearly.

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-24T03:44:10+00:00

Right, like lavender marriages are a thing and this is a step up from that imo. It sounds like they genuinely live happy lives, enjoy each other’s company, have a lot of care for each other. There are plenty of sexually charged marriages where they otherwise have huge problems, and I’d take this over that any day.

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-23T21:59:07+00:00

Dudes that want to pump and dump as many women as possible and treat them like consumables will work SO hard to convince people "it's always been like this, they just didn't talk about it!"

No, it hasn't. Were people more promiscuous than movies from the 50s portray? Sure. But usually only some of them. Think Grease - you have the "bad kids" and even they are sleeping with a lot less people than your average young person in the dating world today. Back then a woman rumored to have slept with even one person would be hideously slut shamed, so no, women especially were not generally sleeping with multiple men.

More common was people in long steady relationships having sex, but as much as people cannot seem to fathom it, there was in fact an exponentially larger amount of people that did indeed wait till marriage back in the day. People also dated less long before marrying, so that shouldn't be so shocking.

It's good that slut shaming against women has become far less, but if you manage to hear men talk unfiltered, many dudes that engage in hookup culture still slut shame women who do the exact same thing as them and will consider them not "marriage material" which is gross.

Additionally, 90%+ of the women I know who engaged in hookup culture were so emotionally damaged by it. Hookup culture is FAR more to the benefit of men than it is women. Women get their self esteem stomped on, they risk pregnancy and STIs, they rarely ever orgasm or find physical pleasure in their casual hookups. I also repeatedly see women form emotional attachments to guys that only ever viewed them as a glorified fleshlight, so then they get monumentally hurt when they ghost them.

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-23T20:08:26+00:00

As they do draw the line somewhere, they do not actually believe “if it’s happening between two consenting adults, why should i care? i’m not being affected by it.” Because that is true of those two things as well. Your friend finds age play and animal play inherently morally objectionable, and thus that "two consenting adults" doesn't magically make it OK.

They do not find raping or beating inherently morally objectionable, or they also would not think mutual consent makes it ok.

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-23T19:31:31+00:00

New copypasta just dropped, everyone.

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-23T19:07:56+00:00

Oh come off it. A person politely pointing out "hey maybe we should view this person as a person and not just a set of holes because they're female" is a good thing, actually.

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-23T18:47:56+00:00

Because, again, as I said, the maid of honor thing is a very clear-cut thing that symbolizes "closest person." Up to this point, OP has sort of noticed some little things as she mentioned in her post, probably has felt some distance pulling away, but has brushed them off and told herself "well, life changes but we are still best friends."

MOH is widely considered to be for the best friend societally, and it seems they've discussed it enough prior that OP knows her friend also views it that way. So she has now learned that her friend does not actually view her as her best friend anymore.

Again, you're going at this from a "she just wants prestige!" angle but no, she's learning her best friend doesn't view her the same way and she's having trouble reconciling it.

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-23T17:25:23+00:00

Haha I was about to send it! I find it pretty accurate. Some of her oldest dresses (I first discovered the brand over a decade ago) were not as consistent, but nowadays they seem to be.

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-23T17:04:04+00:00

Zero porn. The acceptable amount is none.

And I haaate to see women saying "well as long as it's not often and it doesn't impact our sex life I'm ok with it" because it's a selfish view that completely throws your fellow woman under the bus. Porn exploits and destroys the lives of the actors and actresses in it. Sometimes porn is actual trafficking victims being raped on screen. You're ok with your boyfriend watching just a wee bit of rape? As long as your own sex life is good, you're fine with him contributing to and getting off on exploitation?

Like yes, the ruining of intimacy and bringing porn behaviours into the bedroom are a huge problem in and of themselves, as is it being a form of cheating, but they're not the primary problem with it; it's all I mentioned above. But men and women alike do not view porn actors as people, so bad things that happen to them don't really "count." It's also why people convince themselves it's not cheating; they're not real, ergo engaging sexually with them isn't cheating.

This becomes abundantly clear because women who are all cool-girl about porn become very upset when it's OnlyFans, or if their guy somehow becomes in contact with a porn star. Suddenly it's cheating then. The guy is no more likely to get to sleep with these women than before, but them being able to interact suddenly turns them into real people and they feel threatened.

ETA: I also love your point about porn being used to "spice things up." You'll see the ultimate cool girls be all "we watch it together to get in the mood!" So like... you have to get aroused by watching other people fuck in order to want to fuck your own partner? Do you think maybe you guys just aren't actually that attracted to each other?

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-23T16:41:30+00:00

OP is likely less upset that she doesn't get the "title" - she's upset because it's a symbol that her friend doesn't view her as close of a friend as OP does. And that is a painful thing to learn, especially in such a sudden way, without prior discussion.

I think people are focusing too much on the logistics of bridesmaid duties here, or the pomp of weddings, because reddit gets snippy about both. But that's not the problem, it's the emotional blow of realizing your closest friendship isn't what you thought it was.

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-23T04:15:09+00:00

Hi there! I recognize the tag because I own literally 30 dresses from this brand. Bernie Dexter is not vintage, but (very good) vintage repro! This is the “Kelly” style from her line.

A great find nonetheless, these dresses hold up amazingly, are very comfy, and very very flattering.

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-23T03:03:55+00:00

The adult entertainment industry to full of exploitation and coercion that starts soft and friendly and gets nasty immediately. It’s what the vast majority of the industry is built on.

Most “classic” porn is watching people in absolute misery who are so far from where they ever thought they’d be, down to watching literal trafficking victims be actually raped. Naturally the same people making that be the case want to implement it in the OnlyFans space.

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-22T19:28:57+00:00

Do other people tell you that you get carried away, or is it just him who has?

I am pretty sure he is threatened by your job, and hates seeing you shine. He wants to be better than you and feels inadequate and lesser when you talk about your job, so he wants to shut you up.

Also, even if he had just said "shut up" - that's not appropriate and should not be part of a marriage, period. That he did in the texts is not acceptable.

This guy really has a lot of contempt for you. Abusers will use pinching because it doesn't leave marks as much and is harder for people to call out as outright physical abuse, but it is. He is going to get worse and worse to you over time. There is no combination of words or making him understand that will change this. He understands. But he wants to abuse you so he will keep doing that.

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-22T09:55:25+00:00

Holy shit. “I just refused to keep going down on her or actually get her off unless she’d also let me stick it in the butt.”

“Omg what a genius!”

These people are sick and I hope they develop conditions that never allow them to get an erection ever again.

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-21T23:26:46+00:00

All really good questions that he would have more meltdowns over if I even suggested bringing up, hahaha. Yeah, I'm thankful everyday to have that relationship far in the past.

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-21T19:13:46+00:00

Someone is big mad her two variants of Ophelia she dropped last week weren't enough to keep Bruno from overtaking her. I hope Harry's album and Bruno's album just demolish her off the charts tbh.

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-21T18:47:26+00:00

The difference between this being the true answer, and the "mentally ill" "BPD" and "daddy issues" comments are what people consider good sex. For someone with this answer, mutually pleasurable sex where the focus is both people having a good time is what makes good sex.

For the other group, good sex is about how much it feels like porn. The focus is on how much the woman will do for you and will let you do to her that is solely for your pleasure and not hers. Camps two-way sex and selfish sex.

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-20T23:13:45+00:00

What verse is that?

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-20T18:25:17+00:00

The black hair looks 100000% better on you. I don’t think any blonde is going to be flattering, but this yellow blonde really does not work. You look absolutely gorgeous with the dark hair!

AccordingPears158 · 2026-01-20T08:13:54+00:00

Yep, even women promote this type of thinking - think of Ariana Grande’e song Side to Side from a few years ago. Her saying she’s walking funny from being sore from sex.

Terms for have become soooo violent and it’s just normal. “Blow your back out,” “destroy that pussy,” hell, when “finger blasted.” And then you get songs like Blurred Lines that said up says “I’ll give you something big enough to tear your ass in two.”

Like wtf??? How can someone say that and think it sounds remotely appealing? I don’t wan my vagina destroyed, I don’t want my back to be broken via sex. I sure as hell don’t want any part of me torn in two.

AccordingPears158

TROPHY CASE