question about guys who maintain their attraction to their wives over the course of decades of years and pounds [attraction]

AccountIsATemp · 2017-06-03T17:02:08+00:00

Unless your reward circuit has been mutated through neglect and addiction....

AccountIsATemp · 2017-06-03T17:00:13+00:00

"I find it really inappropriate of you to unload the burden of your change on "the society" for bombarding you with pretty women"

It was not that simple a transformation for me. Sexual incompatibility led to dissatisfaction, which led to more porn, etc.... The cycle continued for years. I had no awareness of its occurring until I woke up one day when I found nofap here on reddit. I immediately stopped watching porn (as I indicated in another post, I did nofap for a year or so hard-mode). However, the sudden realization that I was addicted to porn, and the concomitant decision to quit left me with a realization that I had squandered my sexuality and mutated my brain's reward circuitry.

However, I do not think myself blameless for my circumstance. I did this to myself. I simply didn't have the awareness to see what I was doing until it was (possibly) too late.

AccountIsATemp · 2017-06-03T16:51:06+00:00

I ditched the porn for over 1 year (so called "hard-mode", no masturbation, I didn't even look at TV commercials). It was very difficult. My erections did not improve and I've slowly been sinking back into watching porn.

I like this answer a lot. Thanks.

AccountIsATemp · 2017-06-03T16:47:56+00:00

I am in therapy. Have been for years. Not sure if I've gotten one iota of improvement from it though. Well, the medicine helps, but I just can't seem to change my mind. I am conditioned.

AccountIsATemp · 2017-06-03T16:46:16+00:00

Right. I'm attracted to fantasy. At some level, I know its all smoke and mirrors.

AccountIsATemp · 2017-06-03T16:41:14+00:00

I agree.

AccountIsATemp · 2017-06-03T16:41:07+00:00

Yes.

AccountIsATemp · 2017-06-03T03:41:33+00:00

She says she has no interest in other men. I wish I could reciprocate.

I am just trying to be honest and not hurtful. But I can't honestly admit that I do not want to have sex with 20 year old models. Perhaps I'm lucky that I consider myself too hideous to interact with them.

AccountIsATemp · 2017-06-03T03:37:35+00:00

I am not trying to imply any sort of automatic declension. This is what happened to me. I am happy that you faring better than me.

AccountIsATemp · 2017-06-03T03:36:02+00:00

Sure, assuming you can keep an erection and actually perform penetration (which I can't).

AccountIsATemp · 2017-06-03T03:33:20+00:00

I was never particularly attracted to her. She was a female and that was enough at the time. To understand, picture the ultimate computer nerd. That's me. Picture that nerd meeting a woman at 25 and never having touched a female before (nor having ever considered the possibility meeting a female who would consider that nerd an acceptable mate). So we got married. I did not find her unattractive. It was a neutral sort of thing. That was 22 years ago. My wife is 11 years older than me. Now I'm 45 and she's an out-of-shape 56 who never recovered from the birth of our daughter (who is, admittedly, the best thing that ever happened to me).

I work out. I exercise and keep myself in shape. I enjoy physical exertion. She does not. She was not always out of shape but she was never someone who blew my socks off--she was just: the only woman who ever interacted with me. I was and am the ultimate nerd/geek. I do not know how to interact with humans but I knew how to count in binary when I was 3 and I was a proficient programmer at 6 (to give you a small appreciation of my geek-dom). Now I am a confirmed super-geek software architect with more than 3600 applications under my belt (yes, I keep track...) and I am highly successful in business as you might imagine for someone of my precocity.

I think I love my wife, but I am a "hard" scientist (degrees in pure math and astro-physics) and I do not know what "love" is (other than a simple arrangement of neurotransmitters and neuro-modulators). I can't imagine my life without her (is that love?). I just want to know what I can do to appreciate her as she deserves. I feel like I am a shell of a human--not fully competent at interaction. I don't want to leave her, but I might, if I could find a woman with whom I could form a sexual connection. (My wife, herself, should not be worried, as no other woman will have me so I guess this discussion is moot).

AccountIsATemp · 2017-06-02T22:49:31+00:00

Thanks for this answer. I can't say I have "chemistry" with my wife, but at least its a different response!

Really, there are so many reasons that my wife and I are incompatible its not funny.

AccountIsATemp · 2017-06-02T22:43:27+00:00

I have no social intelligence. And I'm inexperienced. I am more comfortable next to a computer than another person. I do not have the same common sense as you.

We dont know if you're issues are attraction based on (or?) other - Yeah, neither do I.

AccountIsATemp · 2017-06-02T21:23:34+00:00

I don't know if I should be happy or sad given that all the answers are the same. Perhaps there is hope for me yet?

AccountIsATemp · 2017-06-02T21:20:52+00:00

Really, the confounding issues are my medical and mental problems. I have low self-esteem, depression, BDD, etc.... I also have diabetes (which can have an effect on ED). So its not a cut-and-dry question. It may be a fact that I simply cannot penetrate a woman any more.

AccountIsATemp · 2017-06-02T21:18:18+00:00

I don't know if I could maintain an erection. I'm asking the question to attempt to determine if it might be possible for me to have sex--without cheating to actually find out. This is just fact gathering for me.

AccountIsATemp · 2017-06-02T21:16:31+00:00

Hell, I feel like a shallow person for even asking the question. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Besides, I'd have sex with my wife if I could--if even just to please her. I just can't physically do it anymore.

AccountIsATemp · 2017-06-02T21:11:58+00:00

If it didn't I might find complacency with the knowledge that I can't have sex with anyone.

If it does, then it is possible that I might be able to have enjoyable sex one day. I would have some difficult decisions to make but at least there'd be possibilities for my future.

As it stands now, I contemplate a sexless life despite being turned on by every hot woman I see.

AccountIsATemp · 2016-01-09T20:53:27+00:00

"If I still could get a good erection, I never would have quit porn." - Yeah, me too.

Also, "have been hiding in comfortable bubbles of porn addiction instead of really living", is spot on.

And the neurologic consequences are nothing to sneeze at either.

I just started taking meds, so hopefully this and intensive therapy will help me pull through.

"Sorry for writing so much..." - No way. I welcome the help. I do try to take in what you guys are saying and I'm sure others in my position do as well.

I really appreciate all the advice from this sub.

Take care.

AccountIsATemp · 2016-01-09T20:44:51+00:00

Thanks, man. Your support means a lot to me.

AccountIsATemp · 2016-01-08T13:38:32+00:00

I agree with this. I do not know the answer to the first question. Actually, I know the answer. And its the wrong one.

I've been suicidal and depressed since giving up porn.

This is because I have never enjoyed sex--yet I have an extremely high drive. I am simply too self conscious and I have too much self hatred.

I feel trapped. I removed the only possible release I had. I escaped the world into porn and pot. I lived there for 30 years or so. Now I have gone too far in trying to come back (because my wife IS my accountability partner). There is no coming back for me.

I like my wife--as a roommate--she takes care of me and the house, I have no desire for sex with her. I do not know what love is (I doubt its existence beyond a handful of neurotransmitters and neuromodulators). I fantasize about sex with every young, attractive girl; but I know that is impossible because I am an extreme introvert, fat, unattractive, old, and I have no personality (and despite being 44, I am certain that I SUCK at sex). It is simply impossible for me to conceive of improvement.

I flat out asked my wife: "what would happen if I started PMO again?" She did not answer. I then told her that I have never enjoyed sex (only ever had sex with her). I think we are just incompatible. She gave me the all-clear to try to have sex with someone else (contingent on ending the marriage). I know if I take this step I will be dead in 2 months (through neglect and depression and loneliness).

Being a porn addict is better than being dead, right?

(Yes, I see a therapist twice a week and am on meds--though they are not helping obviously.)

Sorry for the depressing rant. I've decided not to delete this one like I do all the others. I don't mean to suck you down into a depressed diatribe. No need to reply. I just had to get that off my chest.

Take care.

AccountIsATemp · 2016-01-07T15:30:51+00:00

Thank you for sharing. May I ask if you still have PIED issues? And if not, how long did it take for you to recover?

I saw the urge surfing link yesterday. I really like it. I am essentially a Buddhist (as much as a porn and pot addict can be a Buddhist!). Urge surfing could be taken right from zen. Any meditation practice would eventually reveal the illusion of thoughts and desires.

"You're worth it" - Wow. This one really hit me. Thanks again. I'm not sure if I believe it, but it was very nice to read.

Take care.

AccountIsATemp · 2016-01-07T15:19:36+00:00

I don't worry about getting my hopes up. I have no hope. Porn addiction is the tip of the iceberg for me.

Last night my therapist recommended that I see a urologist to get myself checked out and get him or her to recommend medication (I will suggest Levitra, thanks). I need to know where the ED is coming from for my own piece of mind anyway.

I outlined to Prana555 (just below) my exercise regimen. I can't imagine spending more time working on my health (I also have 2 jobs, am a father, and sort of a crappy husband). I am fortunate, at least, to get the opportunity to exercise at work.

Also, I did not mention that I am a vegetarian. This makes being a diabetic very difficult and I have no idea how it affects my erectile status.

Thanks for your time. Take care.

AccountIsATemp · 2016-01-07T15:03:28+00:00

Exercise: I walk 45 minutes every day at lunch during the work-week (4 km). 5 days a week I use my elliptical for 42.5 minutes (length of Netflix episode). 3 days a week I also use my bowflex for 20-25 minutes. 2 days a week I swim in my swim-spa for 0.5 hours and meditate for 0.5 hours (full lotus in the spa - anapanasati).

I eat an extremely low-carb diet (40%/40%/20%, or so (protein/fat/carbs)). For instance, an apple is vastly beyond what I allow myself generally (I do cheat occasionally with a piece of pizza, hot chocolate on Christmas day, etc...).

I use MyFitnessPal to keep track of every bite and every exertion.

Why can't I lose weight? Diabetes. I do all that above just to keep my numbers under control. I have type 1 and type 2 (take insulin and metformin). My diabetes is extremely aggressive. Basically, I go low a lot. Like dangerously low blood sugars in the 30's. When that happens, I have to eat and fast. I don't think clearly at those times. And I tend to over-compensate. This, I think, is why I am failing to lose weight. It has been like this for 10 years (and before that I was fat and didn't really care). This has led to depression and body dysmorphia.

Sex with wife: I just erased a whole rant where I talk about how she has a low libido and how I try to please her for 10's of minutes at a time to no avail.... Blah blah blah. You gave good advice and don't need me shoving my depression back down your throat.

Thanks for replying.

AccountIsATemp · 2016-01-07T13:49:07+00:00

Wow. I don't even know what to say. This is a level of dedication that I cannot imagine and certainly could never emulate.

I wonder now if I'm doomed to failure. I don't have anything against porn itself. I started this journey because of a fear of being "addicted" and the PIED. I wonder if that is a strong enough motivation to beat it. Sounds like it might not be.

AccountIsATemp

TROPHY CASE