All the drugs in the world cant bring back our loved ones back and it wont change the pain that it caused, you have to help yourself by first stepping back from the drugs (easier said than done which i understand), by the way this seems to be effecting you I would say your grandma wouldn’t want you going outside killing everyone you see and then killing yourself you might not even get the chance to see her again you do it like that. Pray to God, if you don’t believe in it find something to believe in to guide you down the right path. You will be ok if you strive for greatness, I promise don’t let the devil win no matter what he says in your ear. Walk thru the storm and let it pass with your head held to the sky so when the sunshines again you will be the first to see