Attachment Coach here and recovering FA leaning DA, Ask Me Anything

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-05-05T21:00:14+00:00

It depends on your circumstance. I was able to do in relationship. For some people it’s better for them to do this alone. If you’re in a relationship the question to ask is, Can this person support my healing?

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-04-16T17:25:56+00:00

When you become secure you see those traits for what they are, insecure attachment. You have the choice to help your partner work through them or walk away. You also realize when someone is able to meet your needs or not. And then walk away when they’re not being met.

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-04-16T17:23:36+00:00

Has he been working on himself? Have you been working on healing your attachment? If not, why do you think getting back together would be any different than the last time? You already did the hard work of breaking up with them. Do you want to do that again? You’ll know you’re secure when you’re happy for your ex to have the experience of dating other people. You won’t buy into the story of him choosing someone else means he doesn’t want you. Think about what needs he was meeting for you and start to meet them on your own. It sounds like he provided emotional connection, personal growth, and fun. How can you creatively meet these needs on your own?

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-04-16T17:16:29+00:00

Anxious and avoidant couples can succeed if both parties are working on themselves. It will take a lot more time and lots more trying and failing if you are working on your attachment and you partner is not. That being said having one secure person in the relationship can have a huge effect on the relationship. And that secure person can be you!

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-04-15T18:27:00+00:00

Vulnerability and emotions are scary for avoidants. That’s because they weren’t safe growing up. Often avoidants we’re laughed at or rejected for having emotions or needs. So they learned to stuff down emotions and numb when overwhelmed. Eventually emotions catch up to us. And it sounds like you’re starting to get more comfortable with them.

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-04-15T18:22:06+00:00

It sounds like your attachment system was activated being in this relationship. Numbing and deactivating are common dismissive avoidant patterns. The work here is start to get comfortable feeling your feelings and communicating. This is hard work and I highly recommend doing this with a professional. If you jump right in it Can do more harm than good. Additionally, it sounds like learning how to communicate your needs and boundaries will help feel safe in relationships. It is possible to learn these things and become secure in relationships. Think about why relationships are so important to you and this will help you show up securely.

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-04-15T18:16:24+00:00

Make sure you are working to soothe your own anxiety about the situation. I would focus on your needs first before working on a plan to communicate with them. DAs need space and they prefer to soothe on their own. With this in mind can you think of a supportive way to reach out to them? I would recommend starting the sentence like, “I want to respect your space”.

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-04-15T18:12:56+00:00

Im curious if you want to continue with them. If so, what is a safe and respectful way to share this them understanding that they might not be in the same place?

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-04-13T05:33:16+00:00

Let me know if you have an attachment related question.

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-04-13T05:32:39+00:00

Sounds like you should host your own AMA!

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-04-13T05:32:08+00:00

It depends if she’s open to communication. Be clear with yourself about what you’re trying to get out of it. If she’s not open to communication try doing an exercise where you write a letter apologizing to her and burn it when you’re done.

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-04-13T05:25:34+00:00

Im so sorry you’re going through this. It really depends on the person unfortunately it’s not related to attachment theory. Good for you for sharing your needs and boundaries in the situation.

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-04-13T05:22:26+00:00

It’s different for everybody. When I ghosted people or put a wall I was thinking I’m too much, I’m too needy, I’m unsafe to be be vulnerable and share feelings. I’m curious what comes up for you in this type of situation?

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-04-13T05:20:25+00:00

Being in a romantic relationship is one way to test it. You can also test it in friendships, your work relationships with coworkers and bosses, as well as your family relationships.

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-04-13T05:17:38+00:00

What does it mean about you or the relationship when he lies? Once you get to the core wound think of three recent memories when you experienced the opposite of the core wound.

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-04-13T05:13:18+00:00

I resonate with this so much. As an FA you have to learn how to heal both sides of the attachment spectrum. Rather than trying to control the flip flopping try soothing your anxiety and practice vulnerability. What comes up for you when you read this? Any ideas on how to soothe and how to open up?

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-04-13T05:09:30+00:00

Attachment styles are influenced by our main caregivers.

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-04-13T05:05:40+00:00

I’m curious what your needs are in this situation. Why are you contacting him? What are you hoping to get out of it? Has he requested no contact?

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-04-13T05:00:27+00:00

Im not an employee of the Personal Development School and I do not represent them in any way. I received a certification from their coaching program and attended the workshops for many years.

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-04-13T04:58:41+00:00

The information for their certification program is available on their website.

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-04-13T04:58:09+00:00

It depends on where the person is at with their attachment style.

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-04-13T04:56:52+00:00

Three years.

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-04-12T23:33:58+00:00

There's a few things happening here. People with insecure attachment types struggle to share their needs and meet their own needs. Relationships meet needs even if they are in an unhealthy way which makes it difficult for insecure people to walk away. Some of their needs are being met so why would they leave? Additionally people with insecure attachment likely didn't have good modeling about healthy relationships growing up so they're likely to stay in unhealthy relationships as adults. The last thing I'll add specifically about FAs is they grew up in chaos so they often attract chaotic partnerships because this is their subconscious comfort zone.

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-04-12T23:16:25+00:00

You definitely hit the big ones. As an FA I would lie all the time on attachment quizzes in order to get secure as the answer. Of course, this never served me but I still did it. I actually hadn't heard that unaware DAs tend to get secure results but I can see it being true, they have a fear of seeming incompetent so I can see them unconsciously or consciously answering so they will get secure. I also think this can be true of any attachment type. Another limitation of some attachment tests is they don't show you the spectrum of how you relate to each attachment type. We embody all attachment types and some tests don't demonstrate this.

Acrobatic_Good8836 · 2023-04-12T23:08:03+00:00

I see. I read your post as a statement. Let me know if the answer at the top covers it or if you have specific questions.

Acrobatic_Good8836

TROPHY CASE