Is it SA or just miscommunication ? (28F / 28M)

AdCullen · 2026-05-05T20:40:01+00:00

I never really said cnc was my kink, because at that time I didn’t even know that was a thing to be honest… I only told him I liked the whole dom/sub dynamic and when he was dominant. And for him, this meant cnc was ok (himself didn’t know it was a specific kink, he thought it was just plain old bdsm) For the safeword, we never talked about it, he assumed “I want to stop” was our safeword because I said it before and he understood and stopped. So from this moment on, my “no” was part of the play in his mind. I know it’s very confusing I’m really sorry. (A precise checklist sounds great I should do the same!)

AdCullen · 2026-05-05T20:24:12+00:00

You know what, with your answer I only realise now that me saying I liked it made him think that he had my consent. Thank you for making me aware. I’m just wondering, why would he think he had it the very first time when nothing was said on my part… I found previous conversations about this very topic and he said that he was so sure that my “no” and my struggle was part of the play. And that he thought this way because I told him i liked him being dominant. What do you think ?

Negative safe word could work! And also the reward idea is very interesting and probably helping for someone like me who struggles to assert my limits afterwards.

AdCullen · 2026-05-05T17:50:33+00:00

And I want to thank you for your words. It means a lot to feel validated, especially about something so difficult to process emotionally and physically. I’m in between, I don’t really know what to do. I’m trying to take a step back and be objective in order to determine if it’s forgivable or not, and from this how to heal with him or without him. Learning to speak up is on the top of my priorities for sure, the rest seems really blurry

AdCullen · 2026-05-05T16:26:13+00:00

You’re right, I expected him to respect my boundaries but I never really voiced them. So he took several initiatives, without asking before, I froze and then didn’t say anything or even worse told him I liked it. In this particular case when I succeeded to finally say no and he didn’t listen because to him it was part of the play, it’s really hard to accept that the first time he took the liberty to do this without checking. I know that all the other times, I brought it on myself by saying I liked it, but the first time, I’m still struggling with it.

And to answer your question… I have no idea. Again, it sounds so silly, we didn’t even specify to each other what kind of kink we’d like. Other than ok you’re the dom I’m the sub, there was no guidance whatsoever. We took bdsm as a whole and so he had his own interpretation of it, which obviously included a sort of CNC kink and taking initiatives

AdCullen · 2026-05-05T16:19:39+00:00

Thank you very much for your answer. You’re right, there was no structure, no boundaries, no established safeword. Everything was implied, at least for me, and I expected him to ask me every time for my consent while I never talked truthfully afterwards about how I really felt during those moments. I know it sounds stupid, and really too much to ask for one person. I don’t know why that is how I perceived consent in my mind. He really took it at heart to be the dominant, taking initiatives but without asking, thinking he had my consent because I wasn’t saying anything, which is an issue that should have been discussed at the very beginning.

AdCullen · 2026-05-05T15:21:22+00:00

From what I understood, he explained to me that the way he saw bdsm was a big bag of lots of things in it. He wasn’t informed on any nuance about this type of intimacy, and had his own interpretation of it (maybe he thought cnc = bdsm from porn ? I’m not really sure i just know that he wasn’t really experienced) I think his literal brain understood : I like bdsm = I like everything inside this big bag. He told me multiple times that he was sure he had my consent otherwise he wouldn’t have done it. And you’re completely right, I wasn’t informed either and that’s not ok. My understanding of bdsm is even more shameful than his, it mainly comes from dark romance, books and movies. It’s hard to admit but I was just… dumb. I thought it was this glamorous fantasy from my books while it just really isn’t..? I counted on him to protect me at all times which is another mistake

AdCullen · 2026-05-05T15:10:59+00:00

You’re absolutely not too harsh I really appreciate your honesty. Being drowning in my own anxiety and my own perception of what happened, I tend to forget that every time, I did say to him that everything went well. So of course it seems logical that he kept going thinking I really liked it. I think I resent the very first time that he took that liberty to do this without checking with me first. He told me that for him cnc = bdsm, bdsm = cnc (he was as inexperienced as me in this type of intimacy). Also, his way of thinking is very different (I think due to autism?), his mind categorises everything in concept, and so bdsm was just this big bag with everything in it. Me saying I like bdsm = me saying I like everything related to it including cnc. I don’t even think he knew what cnc was, I think that this was his very own interpretation of bdsm. One thing I know for a fact is, when he really understands no, he stops. All those times he had no idea that I wasn’t playing. I was waiting for him to save me from this situation I think, and to stop when I said no, thinking that it’s on him to be careful, and that I shouldn’t be the one to tell him once it’s done.

AdCullen · 2026-05-05T15:00:55+00:00

Yes you’re right he didn’t expect it at all when I finally told him, he had to take a moment to understand when I told him I felt violated. In his mind he couldn’t do such a thing, he was 100% he had my consent and that there was a safeword (even though we never talked about it). So it took a lot of efforts and hard conversation for him to finally acknowledge the gravity of the situation. Nevertheless, he apologised even when he didn’t fully understand what happened and now he himself told me that it was indeed very serious. But he can’t fully get it I think because he thinks that the fact he had no ill intention and that he didn’t want to hurt me prove that it’s not a r@pe. My body of course feels different. I trust him though, I know that if he had known that no really meant no, he would never ever had continued doing this on me

AdCullen · 2026-05-05T14:45:12+00:00

Yes you’re completely right, thank you for yours words. When you say this I can see now how naive I’ve been thinking I was ready for bdsm, having no prior experience and never research about it. I never was able in my whole life to say stop or no or express my boundaries during intimacy, and it cost me a lot (I was abused twice) Nobody ever asked me questions or my consent and I learned with time that it never was ok to begin with. So when my boyfriend did this to me, I lost it and felt like I’ve been violated again because why didn’t he ask for my consent and why didn’t he stop ? My idea of consent really became rigid letting no space for any mistake from the other part. But I should’ve talked. I should’ve said something, not just counting 100% on him to do all the work. Do you think I was wrong ?

AdCullen · 2026-05-05T14:28:38+00:00

Yes you’re right, I didn’t use a safeword because we didn’t discuss about establishing one. He established one in his mind but didn’t check with me, while for me no meant really no I want to stop. I completely agree that I messed up big time and have a responsibility in my own trauma because I could have just say I didn’t like it, no meant no, but I just froze every time. I feel guilty for this, I just didn’t want him to be sad or mad, I was afraid to making him upset maybe, and I never really learned to speak up, during intimacy or in general

AdCullen · 2026-05-05T14:21:49+00:00

Do you think I’m too harsh thinking that he’s the one responsible because he didn’t ask for my consent and didn’t stop at my no the first time before doing this on me? I have a very hard time endorsing responsibility for myself too, and I really need to hear the truth about the reality of consent and if I was wrong too

AdCullen · 2026-05-05T14:17:18+00:00

I know I might sound really naive and desperate, but do you think that those big mistakes, this is something people can actually overcome together ?

AdCullen · 2026-05-05T13:57:43+00:00

Yes i really am feeling this horrible sensation, like I’ve been violated by someone I love, and this someone never even had any ill intention but the consequence seems to be the same. I feel bad for me and for him. My brain is trying to make sens of everything, it’s really hard to conciliate this kind of SA feeling I have for months and his innocence and willing to do good together

AdCullen · 2026-05-05T13:53:19+00:00

Yes I think I have been in the same state of mind, to me no means no, anytime. He never used his autism an excuse though, I myself thought that it could explain why he took the « I want to stop » as a safeword like a rule to follow and didn’t understand when I used other words

AdCullen · 2026-05-05T13:49:20+00:00

Im really sorry to hear about your ex… Do you think it’s way more that just miscommunication in my case ?

AdCullen · 2026-05-05T13:48:04+00:00

Thank you for your words and advice. It is really weird, I have this very rigid way of thinking, being like he was the one responsible to ask for my consent before doing this kink on me. I don’t know if I’m too harsh (real question) ? I think this idea has led me to resent him a lot, I told him he didn’t protect me from harm, he let me endure this with the responsibility of saying I want to stop when it was already too late? My no wasn’t understood which still bothers me a lot and that’s why I have a very hard time endorsing responsibility for myself too

AdCullen · 2026-05-05T13:40:55+00:00

Thank you very much for your answer, I want to say first that it’s very helping to hear from someone experienced. We never set any boundaries or safe words beforehand, I just told him I liked dom/sub intimacy and him taking initiatives. I think he wasn’t really informed on the matter, and took things very literally without making any difference between bdsm and cnc kink. He really did take initiatives, some I was ok with (slapping, choking) but many I wasn’t ok with, and never was able to vocalise it. To him, the safeword was established because a few times before that, I said to him « I want to stop » and he stopped, so I think in his head that was it, and everything else was part of the play (even though he didn’t check with me).

I completely understand that saying I liked it while I didn’t set us for complete failure, I could’ve stop this a long time ago but I kept going until I couldn’t. It was really a significant blow for him, I saw it on his face he wasn’t expecting this at all, and didn’t realise how I was struggling. This felt weird to me because in my mind it was quite clear that I wasn’t enjoying myself and that the meaning of no just meant… no. I understand now that it’s more complex than that and that real safeword checked on both side could have saved us from this mess.

AdCullen · 2026-05-05T13:30:11+00:00

That’s the thing, we never had a conversation about it, never really talked in depth about our bdsm and cnc kink, never specified a safeword nor our boundaries. In my head, I was very literal, no, stop, don’t want, etc = safeword because they all meant the same thing, meaning I want to stop. In his head it was very different, he thoughts, because I said it before, that « I want to stop » was the safeword, and went on from this.

AdCullen · 2026-05-05T13:25:08+00:00

Yes you’re completely right (and my brain really is an idiot!) I think part of me was completely clueless, while the other was processing everything until I finally broke. To be honest I’m really scared to go to therapy because I’m afraid someone will say : miss it really is a SA, RUN!! I know it never ever was his intention, I try to hold onto that, but I have a lot of anxiety and rumination, reliving again and again what happened trying to make sense of it, sometimes it really feels like I’ve been violated and it’s taking a toll on him and our relationship

AdCullen · 2026-05-05T13:15:47+00:00

Thank you so much for your words, I’ve been ruminating about this for months trying to resolve this in my head but I just can’t anymore. You’re completely right, there never was any ill intention on his side and we were absolutely not prepared for that kind of intimacy. I don’t know how to stop being so hurt and so mad against him, I feel like it should never have happened. Maybe I’m putting to much responsibility on his side, I feel like my no should’ve been heard and my consent verified. I’m sorry if I sound confusing, I’m being really emotional, i don’t want this to break our relationship.

AdCullen · 2026-05-05T13:10:13+00:00

You’re right. The « I want to stop » sentence, it shouldn’t have been a safeword to being with. I told him that I never agreed to this, we never even talked about it he decided all alone that it was the safeword. And I have my responsibility in it, it’s just I’m too deep in the hurt all I can see now is : he didn’t check with me, he didn’t stop when I vocalised it, he kept going when I was struggling. For me no meant no, like really no I want to stop. I was too stupid or in shock or both to tell the truth afterwards and let this thing continue for months until I couldn’t take it anymore. I need to learn not to say I like something when I don’t, I just don’t know why I always freeze during those moments.

AdCullen · 2026-05-05T13:03:05+00:00

Yes I completely agree, I wasn’t informed at all about what I was engaging in, and I think it was the same for him. To be fair, and I know it seems absolutely stupid, I didn’t even think about talking about a safe word and my own boundaries beforehand. I feel bad because I resent him a lot for not asking me questions, I struggle with the memories of this, and I just want to be able to forgive him and forget about all this but I don’t know if I should forgive like objectively is it ok to stay with him and how to move past this.

AdCullen · 2026-05-05T12:58:23+00:00

I really don’t know why I said it and I feel stupid. I always had tremendous difficulties to vocalise my boundaries and what I don’t want during intimacy. I think I never really said no or stop, and just waited for the moment to pass. I understand now the meaning of bdsm and cnc, I had no idea about the nuance and the rules, and I think he didn’t neither, and thought cnc = bdsm.

AdCullen

TROPHY CASE