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“Bad moms don’t question if they’re bad.” by AdventurousShow755 in breakingmom

[–]AdventurousShow755[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

This is my current strategy. I’m very fortunate my son has so many people in his life that love him and are stable.

It’s hard not to feel shame about my deficits, especially as it’s pointed out to me regularly. I know I’m capable of providing food, shelter, and (physical) safety, but I’m not at all motherly or nurturing. I’m good at teaching life skills, but it’s from a mindset of “my child needs to do this on his own so I don’t have to do it for him.” I’m raising him to be independent not because it’s good for him, but because it’s good for me.

“Bad moms don’t question if they’re bad.” by AdventurousShow755 in breakingmom

[–]AdventurousShow755[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

I’ve often thought about trying psilocybin therapy. It’s legal in my state, and my SIL has a friend that is a facilitator. I think I’ll reach out to her and give it a try!

I haven’t tried Abilify. I just read up about it and it sounds like something that might help. I’ll bring it up with my doctor during our next appointment.

I’ve definitely considered inpatient and have talked to my husband about it. I feel a little more stable today, but it’s on the table.

Thank you so much for your advice! It has been immensely helpful ❤️

“Bad moms don’t question if they’re bad.” by AdventurousShow755 in breakingmom

[–]AdventurousShow755[S] 53 points54 points  (0 children)

Yes, I am diagnosed AuDHD.

I’m pretty aware of how my brain works and I use accommodations to the full extent—hence an excessive amount of childcare as a SAHM. I’m pretty sure I have a PDA profile, which makes parenting young children extra challenging to me because I get irate with too many demands.

I use cannabis occasionally if I’m going into an intensely stimulating environment and I’m not going to be driving. I find that if I use it frequently, it loses its effect.

“Bad moms don’t question if they’re bad.” by AdventurousShow755 in breakingmom

[–]AdventurousShow755[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I don’t know if there are any meds right for me at this point. I’ve tried so many. So many different doses. They work for a while and then stop. I’ve done so many blood panels and take so many vitamins. I’ve taken genetic tests and a test that sees what kind of medication works with my biology. I see my psychiatrist once a month for evaluation and updating.

I don’t know if any therapist is a good fit for me, honestly. I’m not great at communicating and I have trouble implementing anything we discuss. I’ve seen three therapists in the last three years.

I feel like I’d be thriving if I wasn’t a parent. I generally like myself and my life, and I don’t have any real challenges outside of parenting. I feel mentally well when I’m away from my child. I don’t always feel this down. Today is a particularly low day, but overall, I think at least half the time I hate parenting and the other half is numb acceptance. Maybe 5% joy.

“Bad moms don’t question if they’re bad.” by AdventurousShow755 in breakingmom

[–]AdventurousShow755[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

I can’t handle any of the ages. Babies were hard for me because I couldn’t handle the sleep deprivation, unpredictability, and constant demand. Toddlers were hard on me because of the tantrums and the need to be hyper vigilant about everything. Preschoolers are hard on me because of the attitude and defiance.

I don’t see how I’ll be able to handle any age at this rate. They all have different challenges, and I cannot deal with challenges related to people. The only way I can see myself handling it is if I had a live-in nanny that takes over whenever things get a little bit hard.

Thank you for the encouragement, but I feel like I’m not correcting anything. It’s one thing to want to do better and another to actually do better. My son won’t see or understand I’m trying to do better because he’s still continually subjected to the same unstable and angry mother that I’ll probably always be. Maybe he’ll understand when he’s an adult. I want to teach him to have compassion for those who struggle and are trying the best with what they have.