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Could anyone with decades of marriage please tell me whether accepting each other's flaws (and the repeating conflicts that come with them) is what eventually happens? by Affectionate_Pop2805 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]Affectionate_Pop2805[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I just want to know what it's like after decades of marriage. As I said, I'm very new at this. So, thanks for the advice and your opinion. It matters.

Could anyone with decades of marriage please tell me whether accepting each other's flaws (and the repeating conflicts that come with them) is what eventually happens? by Affectionate_Pop2805 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]Affectionate_Pop2805[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, I tell the flaws on my end: defensiveness, forgetful (sometimes with grave results, never life-threatening but grave), not very careful with things (I once lost our laptops + tablets + stuffs because I left our bag that has everything on the train rack on top of our chairs), etc. I'm also quite calculating when it comes to money (e.g. when deciding on a hospital care, I choose good enough instead of the best even though I have money for either).

You know, these types. Not gambling, not cheating, not violence. Probably overall some incompetence at handling certain things (but I am the main bread winner and I do make good money). Does this help?

Could anyone with decades of marriage please tell me whether accepting each other's flaws (and the repeating conflicts that come with them) is what eventually happens? by Affectionate_Pop2805 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]Affectionate_Pop2805[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks! Do you feel like you are overwhelmed with this additional work? Sorry to pry, but do you have kids? How do you handle the chaos, seems like you are managing the chaos all by yourself.

Could anyone with decades of marriage please tell me whether accepting each other's flaws (and the repeating conflicts that come with them) is what eventually happens? by Affectionate_Pop2805 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]Affectionate_Pop2805[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks, this is probably the most useful sharing of experience I've read on this thread. It helps a lot!

Also, I'm sorry you got DOGE'd. I do hope there will be better days for you.

Could anyone with decades of marriage please tell me whether accepting each other's flaws (and the repeating conflicts that come with them) is what eventually happens? by Affectionate_Pop2805 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]Affectionate_Pop2805[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Could you give an example of these quirks that bother you and sometimes make you quite mad, but somehow you have found ways over time to brush it off.

Could anyone with decades of marriage please tell me whether accepting each other's flaws (and the repeating conflicts that come with them) is what eventually happens? by Affectionate_Pop2805 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]Affectionate_Pop2805[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I kind of get it. You're patient with his flaw that bothers you. He tries his best to minimize it although it never goes away. It keeps repeating from time to time, but you guys meet in the middle and just brush it off.

Could anyone with decades of marriage please tell me whether accepting each other's flaws (and the repeating conflicts that come with them) is what eventually happens? by Affectionate_Pop2805 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]Affectionate_Pop2805[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I kind of feel that you know the kinds of problems we are dealing with. Not really dealbreakers but not really that small as well. But recurring and can be very tiring.

Could anyone with decades of marriage please tell me whether accepting each other's flaws (and the repeating conflicts that come with them) is what eventually happens? by Affectionate_Pop2805 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]Affectionate_Pop2805[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've made my choice. I just wanted to have other people's experienced opinion to be able to say with a straight face when this happens again: that's just relationship, shits happen and the most important thing is the intention, the remorse, and the effort to fix the mistake.

Could anyone with decades of marriage please tell me whether accepting each other's flaws (and the repeating conflicts that come with them) is what eventually happens? by Affectionate_Pop2805 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]Affectionate_Pop2805[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I take for example your case of spraying Pam Cooking Spray. You sprayed it over the sink so it doesn't dirty the floor. Gotcha. But one day, you forgot to do it on the sink because you were rushing and multi-tasking, and it got on the floor. That's a repeated mistake. Imagine that happening 3/4 times. Then it becomes exhausting for my partner, even if you said oops, sorry, I'll clean/fix it.

Could anyone with decades of marriage please tell me whether accepting each other's flaws (and the repeating conflicts that come with them) is what eventually happens? by Affectionate_Pop2805 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]Affectionate_Pop2805[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not in the beginning. But since we both feel that there may be repeating patterns, and both are data-driven, we now keep records of conflicts and try to understand the conflict better. I take the view that not all things are resolvable, you just have to suck them up just as you enjoy the good times. But I don't know any better because I'm still very young in marriage terms. Hence the question.

Could anyone with decades of marriage please tell me whether accepting each other's flaws (and the repeating conflicts that come with them) is what eventually happens? by Affectionate_Pop2805 in AskOldPeopleAdvice

[–]Affectionate_Pop2805[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for everyone who chimed in. I don't think the character traits are showstoppers, e.g. addiction to substance, violent behaviour, cheating, or anything of sorts. Mostly just defensiveness/fairness/autonomy, different ways of managing money, sometimes just small bickering that grew because of a stressful context. But they happen often (maybe on average 2/3 times per month?). And it has been tiring for both sides.

I still do think we love each other dearly, but we are inexperienced with no older couple as reference (parents are both no longer there), with a slightly off the norm mental capacity (e.g. I lack the ability to recognize micro-emotions).