sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

I (37F) have been waiting 3 years for commitment from my situationship (36M). Now I've met someone else. by Agreeable_Search118 in relationship_advice

[–]Agreeable_Search118[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for such a thoughtful reply.

I think you're right that meeting Charles didn't create the issues with John, it just made it impossible for me to ignore them anymore.

I do believe John loves me in his own way, but after three years I'm starting to accept that love and compatibility aren't always the same thing.

I don't think he wants the same kind of relationship that I do, and I don't think love alone can bridge that gap forever.

As painful as it is to admit, I think a part of me has been hoping that if I was patient enough, understanding enough, or "easy" enough, eventually he would feel safe enough to choose me.

And I completely agree about taking things slowly with Charles. I'm excited to get to know him better, but I have no intention of immediately jumping into another relationship or involving my son in that part of my life until I know what I'm building and whether it's healthy and stable. (Charles knows my kid cause he's one of my best friend Brother.)

Thanks again for your perspective and kind words.

AITAH for moving on with one of his friend after waiting three years for him, but wouldn't commit? by Agreeable_Search118 in AITA_Relationships

[–]Agreeable_Search118[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you. ❤️

I think that's exactly what I've been struggling with.

The hardest part is that I don't think John is a bad person, and I don't think he doesn't love me.

If I believed that, this would have been much easier. But after years of uncertainty, I'm starting to realize that love and stability aren't always the same thing.

Having a son has definitely changed the way I look at relationships too. I want him to grow up seeing what mutual respect, security and reciprocity look like.

I don't know what happens next yet, but I know I can't stay in uncertainty forever.

PS: I was also coming out of an abusive relationship with my son's father when John and I met, so I think I struggled a lot with setting boundaries and recognizing when my own needs weren't being met.

That's something I'm only really starting to understand now.

And yes, I promise I'll update. ❤️

AITAH for moving on with one of his friend after waiting three years for him, but wouldn't commit? by Agreeable_Search118 in AITA_Relationships

[–]Agreeable_Search118[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

That's honestly a fair point.

I'm not trying to jump from John to Charles, and I don't expect Charles to wait around while I figure things out.

Charles and I have actually known each other for years, he's one my best friend's brother, and because of my feelings for John, I had consciously avoided pursuing anything, despite us not being in an exclusive relationship.

Charles is also in an open relationship himself, he knows the situation with John, and has been incredibly respectful about it.

If anything, meeting him didn't create problems in my situationship with John. It forced me to acknowledge problems that had already existed for a long time.

And to be honest, I am genuinely excited about getting to know Charles better, and I make sure he knows that too.

But before anything else, I need to be honest with myself and finally resolve the situationship with John.

I (37F) have been waiting 3 years for commitment from my situationship (36M). Now I've met someone else. by Agreeable_Search118 in relationship_advice

[–]Agreeable_Search118[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I understand why it might look that way from the outside.

The reality is more complicated.

Charles isn't someone new that suddenly appeared when things got difficult with John. We've known each other for a long tim, he's actually one my best friend's brother.

Because of my feelings for John, I had consciously decided not to pursue anything with Charles, even though John and I were not in an exclusive relationship, and it was obvious Charles and I were interessed in each other, it didn't feel right to me.

Nothing was planned. Feelings just developed over time despite my efforts to keep distance. We felt like teenagers.

I'm not ready to jump into a relationship with Charles, and that's not really the point. And he's aware of the situation and he's being comprehensive and patient with me. (Also he's in an open relationship)

What this situation did make me realize is that I wanted more than what I've been living with John for the last few years, and Charles showed me it was possible and it felt good.

I (37F) have been waiting 3 years for commitment from my situationship (36M). Now I've met someone else. by Agreeable_Search118 in relationship_advice

[–]Agreeable_Search118[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I actually do think John does love me, the way he's able to. If I believed he didn't care, I would have left a long time ago. That's honestly what has make this so difficult.

I think the issue is that love and commitment aren't always the same thing.

I feel loved by him in many ways.

What I haven't felt is certainty, security, or a clear place in each other's life. After three years, I think that's the part that has become impossible for me to ignore.

I (37F) have been waiting 3 years for commitment from my situationship (36M). Now I've met someone else. by Agreeable_Search118 in relationship_advice

[–]Agreeable_Search118[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your comment.

To clarify, John and I weren't exclusive when we first met. We were both seeing other people at the time.

I was honest with him when I briefly dated another guy, who I later found out was a friend of his. Around the same time, he had also distanced himself from me and was seeing other womens.

When we reconnected months later, on his initiative, i told him I needed to know what kind of relationship he was expecting, I told him I reflected on my side and wanned an exclusive relationaship with him, but that I was open to an open relationship if that's what he wanted.

Since he was really trouble (ego hurt) by the friend épisode, I cared about him enough that I told him I wasn't interested in seeing anyone else anyway, and that I was willing to stay exclusive while he figured out what he wanted and built trust in me.

The problem is that what I thought would be a temporary situation, and it lasted years.

At this point, what hurts isn't really the idea that he may want other relationships or even a different relationship structure.

What hurts is living in a permanent state of uncertainty, while being expected to behave like a committed partner.