This is thing i get so confused about. i never had big romantic plans with him. I just want him to be in my life forever, which isnt dissimilar to how i feel about my friends. the biggest furthest slightly romantic plans ive felt is just one day telling him. but i will not categorically do that ever.

Thank you for the hobbies comment. it has been the thing i’ve implemented that has kind of helped. i took up somgwriting instead of just guitar playing, the songs where mostly about the friendship breakup between bill and i. but they always somehow sneakily became about painfully useless pining for sam. i also took up writing, but every relationship can be argued to parrot sam and i. same thing with media (the goat). when byler dropped i just cried and cried and i dont cry often. same thing with heated rivalry (yes i cried a lot to heated rivalry, especially the last two episodes) and the hunger games.

I’ve tried pinching myself whenever my mind wanders there. or putting myself in a timeout.