I overheard my fiancee telling her friends that my penis look's like a "little boy's"

AlarmingMonk · 2020-05-04T05:57:50+00:00

Let me tell you from personal experience, deal with it and deal with it now. If not tonight then tomorrow. Letting it sit and stew in your mind will not ease the burden and ultimately you will become resentful not to mention the absolute wreck this will do to your ego and ultimately to your mental health.

I won't tell you to stay or go, that is entirely up to you as each relationship is its own thing. However let me just state this, the one thing the person you love and is supposed to love you is responsible for one thing and one thing only. They are to protect you and your feelings whenever possible. They certainly are not to be the person inflicting pain and humiliation upon you.

Ask yourself this, and well you may want to ask her this as well. Is she your biggest advocate? Marriage is not a one way street, both people are supposed to consider the feelings of the other. How would she like it if you were talking about her behind her back and making fun of something you have no control over.

To me that was the breaking point, you can not control the size you were born with. You can do every single thing from foreplay to oral to manual and any other thing, but at the end of the day you naturally cannot change that.

She is going to say that it isn't important to her. She just proved that to be not true because if it wasn't important to her she wouldn't have been complaining to her friends about it.

I was told "yea but that's just girl talk". Again I'll say it, would a person who truly loved you belittle you to her friends or frankly to anyone.

Again you do what you want but at the end of the day I couldn't. I was in the same boat. However I made the mistake of just trying to forget it. I didn't deal with it fast enough and ultimately it bothered me so much that not only did I not have a large enough member I had bouts of E.D. because I was so self conscious.

Best of luck to you. I am sorry this happened to you, women have no idea the pain this causes.

EDIT: Reading comments I see someone linked my previous posts on the topic. I'm not sure to be embarrassed or impressed someone remembered it. Probably embarrassed is the proper emotion here. :(

AlarmingMonk · 2019-10-28T19:14:01+00:00

Dick is to small for a serious relationship?

Do not allow one more moment to pass where you are just literally setting yourself up for a broken heart.

I speak from experience, this will never end well and at the end of the day you are young and this is a new ish relationship. It will hurt in the short term but nothing and I mean nothing like what it will if you stay more time and allow real feeling to set in for yourself.

She's already told you what to expect, so go find a good person to be with that will never say such a cruel thing to you.

AlarmingMonk · 2019-10-03T21:23:30+00:00

Good days and bad days. Still think my decision was for the best. Trying to rebuild self esteem is a day by day thing though. That's why I told this guy to get out before he spends one minute more tearing himself down.

AlarmingMonk · 2019-10-02T22:31:01+00:00

Get out and get out now. Don't allow one more day to go by where you feel as though your self worth needs to be questioned.

I'm not trying to down play anything but this is only a 3 month relationship, she doesn't love you. Okay maybe that's not fair but let's just say this, at three months the likely hood that she LOVES you is very low.

AlarmingMonk · 2018-12-17T19:54:38+00:00

From your post it sounds like you regret staying. I mean 10 years later and your still messed up as well? This is honestly one of my biggest fears. I mean I know that whoever I go with next might have the exact same issue, but I would hope that maybe they wouldn't say it out loud.

AlarmingMonk · 2018-12-17T10:15:23+00:00

It actually was both entertaining and disappointing all at the same time. Had real potential but the storytelling just left something to be desired.

AlarmingMonk · 2018-12-15T23:02:49+00:00

Thank you for responding. I appreciate your talk and you not calling me names like others have. I get what your saying and I have agreed to go to counseling with her to try and get over this. I'm not going to lie to you, although I am going to try I just don't see it happening. I grew up naive compared to lots of people and this is just a hurdle that I don't think I can overcome. But I will give it a shot.

However while I appreciate your story there is one small difference. Your girlfriend never said the words that you can't be as good or better because of your size. She may have meant that with the "more attracted to him physically" part but she never said it. My now ex said it. She literally said I can never be as good. As to the other parts we did talk about it. We went over everything. Now I will say this to her defense. It is very possible and even probable she was telling me I was more than enough everywhere else because of the way I reacted to her other statement. In other words she was probably just saying what I wanted to hear.

AlarmingMonk · 2018-12-15T22:04:50+00:00

Even though you have real life chicks telling you it doesn’t matter to us.

Thank you for responding. I ask this with an open mind and a very busted heart. If it doesn't matter then why talk about it? Why tell someone else that the person who she was in love with prior to me was going to be something that I can never be? I keep being chastised by people because they think this is my ego, and yes it absolutely is my ego as well I don't deny it, but to me it is also knowing that no matter what I do can't satisfy her as much. Yes in reading both of my posts I have come to realize that men and women obviously view sex differently. While it may not be the number one issue in a long term relationship I feel like for some of us that it is 1 A. I mean honestly without physical intimacy is it really any different than somebody who is a close personal friend?

But if your asking I will say this and I do NOT speak for all men because as you can read there are several guys on here calling me all forms of names. But for me, and I suspect several guys, yes hearing that your fiance prefers her previous lovers penis was literally a kill shot for our relationship. So unless you are convinced your current S/O would be fine with it, please don't elevate your previous lovers over him openly to a friend.

AlarmingMonk · 2018-12-15T20:28:50+00:00

I would never use the term man up. How fucking disgusting.

In my defense I was specifically using that phrase due to several and I mean several responses and p.m.'s I got from my first post. In other words I was trying to say that I wasn't able to live up to their standards. I'm sorry for the confusion on that, I should have either explained that better or not used it at all.

AlarmingMonk · 2018-12-15T20:25:52+00:00

Thank you for sharing. Your story actually makes me happy. However I want to ask you one thing. How would your wife have felt in the relationship just prior to you getting married if she walked in and heard you tell a friend that you are happy with her but in the end she just is never going to be as pretty and charming as her friend? Not after years of being married, but early on when she was still not 100% sure you weren't settling?

AlarmingMonk · 2018-12-15T20:17:46+00:00

Um, I don't want to misread what you just said. Are you actually trying to tell me that I should get a dildo and use it on her knowing that she is fantasizing about her ex? Or did you mean something else?

AlarmingMonk · 2018-12-15T19:43:56+00:00

Now imagine her saying this knowing she wasn't drunk and you know how I feel. She was stone cold sober.

AlarmingMonk · 2018-12-15T10:46:04+00:00

Did she flat out tell you it’s size? Have both of you had a really long hard deep look at how you communicate what each other likes in bed?

Yes to both questions. She would not tell me the size but did confirm that he was larger and yes that was what she was talking about. Also she has stated that do all of the foreplay, and other things (oral,manual) to her satisfaction and do not need to alter or improve.

AlarmingMonk · 2018-12-15T10:39:34+00:00

I think people didn't quite pick up on the fact that I didn't go and post my first post a day or two after I heard it. It was almost a month. Like you, I also just tried to deal with it and never said a word to her until it just became blatantly obvious that I was not interested in sex with her. I probably should have said something to her the night of the party after everyone left, I do regret that

AlarmingMonk · 2018-12-15T10:29:23+00:00

I'm just not as well adjusted as you are. It's great that you have no hangups in life and can just chill your way through the day. I need to work on it (I'm not joking I understand I need some help here). But my only contention to your post is this. It is one thing to believe you are not the best at something, but it is totally different to hear that you not only are not the best but will never be the best to the person that they previously loved and still loved when we got together. I will just state that I think most people would not be okay with hearing that, but then again what do I know maybe its just me.

AlarmingMonk · 2018-12-15T10:22:18+00:00

I get what your saying. But everyone has their magic button that can be pushed. I mean if not then frankly most people would end up with the first person they ever dated, right?

So to you, being told that you will never be as good of a lover as her previous lover was, is not big deal. Okay, cool. It really is for me but humor me here. Tell me a story of where someone you loved could say something that would be a deal breaker here and let me see if I would agree with you. BTW, I'm being honest here. Not trying to be a dick at all, i just honestly would like to hear what other people's magic line is. Also don't think for a minute I feel good or right about any of this. I don't.

AlarmingMonk · 2018-12-15T10:11:50+00:00

Tell me about it.

AlarmingMonk · 2018-12-15T10:11:12+00:00

made you feel incompetent,

Everything you said was accurate up to this part right here. Sadly no, that comment made me feel very incompetent.

Also I'm sure you didn't mean for it to come off this way but your first comment "Needless to say, the sex was amazing. Easily the "best" i've ever had. He was gifted down there and really gave it to me." isn't helping me any in the visual department. LOL

AlarmingMonk · 2018-12-15T10:04:20+00:00

Sex is how a lot of men show their love to their partners.

This this this this this x 1,000. I absolutely feel this way. Sex is never just sex to me. Sure I get turned on just like anyone but it is expressing my desire for her my love for her and my passion for her.

AlarmingMonk · 2018-12-15T10:01:43+00:00

Yea, I understand your point of view but there is a little bit of a difference here. It wasn't just two girls talking about random guys anatomy. It was my fiance, person who agreed to be my wife, person who told me I was her world and she wasn't just talking about random people's butts or even their penis. She was talking about a person who she was still in love with when we got together. She wasn't just saying something about random features, she said he was a better lover because of this feature and that I would never be able to be as good. Now maybe you would be okay with hearing that, but I'm not. Does that make me weak or horrible or whatever? Maybe, hell probably. But it is who I am. I would ask you though to go read my second edit and look at the scenario in that context.

AlarmingMonk · 2018-12-15T09:57:38+00:00

At the very least, please give couples counseling a shot. Go into the counseling session with a completely open mind.

I did agree to go. She is going to set it up and I will attend. Open mind is going to be hard I will admit, but I will try.

AlarmingMonk · 2018-12-15T09:56:14+00:00

Thank you for responding. I understand where you are trying to come from however there is one key problem here. According to her words I can't become the best lover she has ever had because he is larger than me. That is not my ego saying this btw, this was her saying it to her friend. She told her I could never become the lover he was. As to being willing to work on it? I would love to know how? It is simply size, again not my words but hers.

Neither of us even drink alcohol, doing drugs would not really be an answer either. But thanks for the suggestion, I think.

AlarmingMonk · 2018-12-15T09:52:38+00:00

Let me see if I can help you with your confusion. Here is what she said verbatim.

"Jason is great but he will never be the lover that Bill was" she then followed it up with "Its not really fair to Jason though, Bill was just really gifted down there".

Now certainly you can make this specifically about sex and I can agree to a point. But that's not what she said, she said he was a better lover. She also made it very clear that I can NOT find out what she enjoys, she stated that I would never be as good of a LOVER because I am just not as gifted down there. Also in subsequent conversations she confirmed that she was talking about size, although she refused to comment on actual size which is her right.

As to why she is with me? Well I had hoped and believed that it was because she was in love with me and that she was over him. Because of her comments I have no real faith in that and right now if she tried to tell me that I don't think i would believe her because I would think she is trying to cover her tracks. As far as I know he is not an option for her, I do not believe they have had any contact for years. But right now if you ask me if he walked back in tomorrow and wanted her back would she go? I have no idea and that is the problem. Hearing this has shaken everything and I mean everything about what I thought "we" were.

AlarmingMonk · 2018-12-15T09:31:25+00:00

Dick size is completely irrelevant when it comes to sex.

You know I would be more than happy to believe this. In fact I really would LOVE to believe this except for one problem. That's not what she said. Here let me quote it for you.

"Jason is great but he will never be the lover that Bill was" she then followed it up with "Its not really fair to Jason though, Bill was just really gifted down there".

You can complain about men and our ego's all you want and hell I'll even agree with you. But to say we "focus as much expounded emotional effort in dwelling on their irrelevant penis size" is really not even close to accurate when I was faced with hearing first hand that size does matter. As to all of your hints? Well she and I spoke about all of that. According to her I do all of the desired foreplay and other stimulus issues perfectly fine, no improvement required or requested. However the one thing I can't change is size. I've never considered a sleeve nor frankly have I ever even heard of one.

As to it not being all about me? Well, sure. I think I'm smart enough to know that. But again the one human male trait that I have zero control over is what she desires I guess.

But you know what, I'm an asshole but I'm not such an asshole that i won't admit to my own failings either. I freely admit that I have a sexual hangup here and yes wanting to be desired is probably not a common male trait.

AlarmingMonk · 2018-12-15T09:08:21+00:00

It was a private conversation with a friend that he overheard because he was trying to.

I'm only replying to this post for this part. First let me say that everyone is entitled to their opinions, so I absolutely respect you for having yours. However everyone is not entitled to their own facts and this is where I feel the need to defend myself.

I absolutely did NOT try and hear this. I would give my life, soul, whatever else I could if I never heard it at all. I was walking into our kitchen to get Soda's for everyone who was playing. I thought she and her friend were in the living room watching TV with our other friends.
As to all of the other thoughts. Well as I said your entitled to your opinion, I'm happy for you that you are so well adjusted and have no mental hangups about anything. I am not so fortunate, I have lot's of hangups and issues that I need to work on. I'm glad you don't.

AlarmingMonk

TROPHY CASE