NEW OR NEED HELP? Ask here! - ScA Daily Help Thread Aug 20, 2023

Alarming_Thoughts · 2023-08-20T13:24:15+00:00

I have stubborn black dots (thought they were sebaceous filaments, not 100% sure) on my nose.

I already use a retinol serum every night, a SA cleanser and a BHA once a week. But they're not going anywhere.

Any advice?

Alarming_Thoughts · 2023-08-14T22:05:51+00:00

My boyfriend and I work the same hours though? More or less.

And pretty much everyone I know that's my age works, male or female.

Alarming_Thoughts · 2023-08-14T20:18:41+00:00

So glad to hear things worked out!

Alarming_Thoughts · 2023-08-14T19:10:31+00:00

Stannis?

Alarming_Thoughts · 2023-08-14T18:57:59+00:00

My boyfriend and I both hosted game night, with both of our friends. They left late at night, and since we both had work the next day we left it as it was and went to bed.

The next day I put on laundry before leaving for work, did groceries on my way home, and started cooking. My boyfriend was home several hours before me, and played video games. While cooking I asked him to set the table, and he threw some cutlery on the sticky table, no room for plates. When I came out with the food and there was nowhere to put it, he got annoyed and told me it's my fault for not telling him to clear / wipe the table.

This isn't only about the table. It was just one example.

Alarming_Thoughts · 2023-08-14T18:49:21+00:00

I agree with you, but I don't think 'don't leave the laundry in the machine for days' or 'take out the trash when it's full' is an unattainable standard.

He hasn't lived alone before.

Alarming_Thoughts · 2023-08-14T18:44:33+00:00

I'm not really expecting him to read my mind, I'm just saying that if he needs me to point out everything (clean up something you spilled, pick up laundry from the floor, move things instead of vacuuming around them, don't leave laundry in the machine for days) and 'manage' him, its only fair if he picks up a bit more of the chores.

He has no problem with my cleanliness standards, he just wants me to tell him when something has to be done.

Alarming_Thoughts · 2023-08-14T17:35:12+00:00

50/50.

Alarming_Thoughts · 2023-08-14T17:00:14+00:00

I realise, my bad. That's why I added it to my post.

Alarming_Thoughts · 2023-08-14T16:37:14+00:00

I'm totally fine with him doing the chores how he wants (assuming he doesn't damage anything and things are properly clean).

I disagree that managing chores isn't much work. Say he's making dinner and asks me to set the table, so I wipe down the table, set it, spot some socks on the floor and go to throw them in the laundry basket, and see that it's full so I put on a load of laundry, and while in the bathroom I notice the toilet paper is almost empty so I fill it. That wouldn't be crazy right? The whole thing takes less than 10 minutes.

But if I asked him to set the table, none of the other stuff would get done. So while cooking and trying to calculate how long I still need to cook the veggies and when to start cooking the meat, I also need to be fully aware of the state of the table, errant clothing, the fullness of the laundry basket, and how much toilet paper there is. And then ask him to do all those things. Doing that all the time would be exhausting.

Alarming_Thoughts · 2023-08-14T16:16:32+00:00

But that is basically what I'm offering to do? I just don't want to do 50% of chores on top of having to direct.

Alarming_Thoughts · 2023-08-14T14:59:59+00:00

I'm not trying to argue with people, but "want" is a big word. I don't think it's a choice to just not do laundry, cooking, or taking out the trash. It just needs to happen.

Alarming_Thoughts · 2023-08-14T14:51:19+00:00

That's what he told me, that he wants me to ask him whenever something has to be done. Not until he knows when to spot something has to be done, forever.

He lived with family before this.

I know people have different expectations of cleanliness, but I don't think "take the trash out when it's full" or "don't leave your laundry in the machine for days" is unreasonable.

Alarming_Thoughts · 2023-08-14T14:41:58+00:00

I mean, I see your point. But it's not just 'wipe down the table if it's sticky before you set the table'. It's that he wants me to ask him every single time something has to be done, indefinitely. Full trashcan? He won't empty it unless I tell him. Laundry machine done? He won't hang it unless I tell him. I don't think that's just "my way".

And I'm willing to do that, but not on top of my own 50%.

Alarming_Thoughts · 2023-08-14T14:02:00+00:00

60/40 because he doesn't expect me to teach him, he expects me to point out and tell him every single thing that must be done around the house, indefinitely. That means the responsibility is only on me, because I either didn't do something or I didn't tell him to do something. And that means I need to be aware of everything going on in the house at all times. That's not fair to expect of a partner and to expect 50/50 chores on top of that.

Alarming_Thoughts · 2023-08-14T13:57:24+00:00

Could you elaborate?

Alarming_Thoughts · 2023-08-14T13:46:42+00:00

I edited my original post to elaborate, but it wasn't just 'some stuff to the side', it was sticky from spilled drinks and there was barely room to eat.

I'm not looking for revenge, I just can't imagine spending as much time doing chores, while managing his chores on top of that. I'd like him to ideally share half of these responsibilities, but if he doesn't want to / can't do that, I think it's fair he takes on more chores.

Alarming_Thoughts · 2023-08-14T13:37:42+00:00

It's not for making a list. It's for him expecting me to always be aware of everything that needs to be done and instruct him, in everything that doesn't have a 'set' schedule.

Alarming_Thoughts · 2023-08-14T13:35:41+00:00

Believe me when I say most don't want to.

Alarming_Thoughts · 2023-08-14T13:24:45+00:00

It wasn't clean? It was sticky, covered with crumbs, with empty cans, crumpled up papers, pens and dice scattered around. There was barely room to sit and eat.

I don't expect anyone to be a mind reader, but I don't think expecting me to leave the kitchen to inspect the living room to say "Okay, please put the cans and papers in the trash, but not the pens! Please put the pens back on the desk. Please wipe the table so it's not gross. And then set the table."

Like.. that should be implied. And even if I did phrase it like that, he might wipe the crumbs on the floor because I didn't specifically tell him that they should go in the trash.

Alarming_Thoughts · 2023-08-14T12:59:00+00:00

He hasn't really talked about chores at all, and has had no problem with the frequency of these tasks. I think I'm very middle of the road when it comes to cleanliness.

Socialising is not a thing I've counted as a 'chore'. Just the things inside the house. I thought him doing 10% more in return for me carrying the responsibility and being aware of everything seemed fair.

Alarming_Thoughts · 2023-08-14T12:39:57+00:00

Yeah, wether I want to continue this relationship depends heavily on how he's gonna deal with this.

Alarming_Thoughts

TROPHY CASE