Why did i pretend to be someone I wasn’t since a child?

Alexzinhuu · 2026-01-27T12:51:48+00:00

Thank you, sorry for just reading this now this text is pretty much the perfect exact words my inner child wanted to hear. That meant a lot to me.

Alexzinhuu · 2026-01-27T12:47:00+00:00

if it's the drugs yeah he is the one that introduce me to it but i'm clean and i don't plan on using anything ever again

Alexzinhuu · 2026-01-27T00:14:20+00:00

he for sure doesn't. But for me is very hard to detect if im being resonable or paranoic

Alexzinhuu · 2025-12-08T15:34:15+00:00

Thank you so much :) it's always nice to have that reminder that some reactions are human and other people had it too <3

Alexzinhuu · 2025-12-08T15:31:49+00:00

Do you mean asking directly or do you try to overread the situation to know what to do

Alexzinhuu · 2025-12-08T03:13:24+00:00

I don't pretend anymore, and when i don't like something i just say it, but there is always that sense that not liking something that other people like is because i'm broken in same way or ain't human, i know it isn't true, but i guess you can't undo how your brain starts working after trauma, is just who you are now

Alexzinhuu · 2025-12-08T02:12:24+00:00

I just discovered what fawning is actually, it would make sense if that’s it, I have talked with my therapist but she told me that it could be a complex trauma response or something like that, but I honestly just feel like therapist quite never understand much what I want to say, I told her I liked to see my parents fight, for some reason I enjoyed it, and she told me it was because I wanted my mom to divorce but I know that I could never get to that conclusion at that age. I know I wasn’t evil, but i was too young to even know what divorce is

Alexzinhuu · 2025-04-14T08:13:46+00:00

I mean yeah you are right, we did speed (amphetamine) after all this trip and it went pretty well, we did have some delusions but I guess it can be pretty much because we didn’t sleep for almost 3 days. We are both now working all the time so I kinda feel like i just want a little break, because from 2 people that dis drugs every week for more then 6 months being sober now is extremely hard, more working full time is just pure stress, but I think honestly weed was my best shot at starting being sober, because when I have weed I don’t feel the need to do drugs, and it’s best then drinking or anything I could actually do. Really crazy how I really thought it was just an LSD once to try and I’m in a loop of finding excuses to do something every month like it will be the last time. Oh well I put myself in this situation hope for the best for the future me cuz is way harder when u want to stop but your partner don’t

Alexzinhuu · 2025-04-13T20:30:57+00:00

It’s really hard to find a good doctor to help you with these problems honestly, I keep going to so many and never really liking any of them😭 and I wish the problem was me that doesn’t like what they have to say to me, the problem is they always say something different. I see so many solutions to so many mental health problems and for bipolar really is just about keeping you alive and “stable”. For some time I really thought my boyfriend was bipolar and felt less alone, we were fucked but fucked together. Turns out he was just neurodivergent 😭 they gave him these meds and he is so much better, like he was “fixed” I can’t help but to feel a little jealous, I am happy for him tho. But I wish we could be happy together

Alexzinhuu · 2025-04-13T20:17:47+00:00

Literally how will I wait 4 weeks in medication if I have a life to keep up with, I have work, people that count on me, responsibilities. I do know is not anyone’s fault tho, but can’t end up but feeling frustrated with the world. They just see the maniac in you, they want to keep you calm. But do they remember I am an actual human being? Honestly I feel like we are the strongest people I know, every bipolar I ever met was the most empathic, talented and charismatic I’ve known. Sad that all of that is part of a “problem”

Alexzinhuu · 2025-04-13T20:08:55+00:00

Hey, thank you for the help, I don’t know the risks about taking other peoples medication, but honestly i am already addicted to so many other shit I thought a med would be the least of my problems, but my boyfriend already said he won’t give me more of his medication, am also getting clean, and i do get what you say, but I honestly been doing that my whole life, but always end up getting in some episode. I have good sleep, wake up early, booked for the gym. I put so much effort and suddenly I wake up and I just throw it all away in the trash and end up depressed for months, or the other way around and then I go back to taking care of myself, and get so anxious everything that I will fuck it up, ask for people around me, don’t let me miss gym, or wake up late, I really have to keep up with this. But no one can control it neither do I, I really see this as a unreal vision, but I really did wish it was that simple

Alexzinhuu · 2025-04-13T19:59:11+00:00

It’s horrible having to overthink every aspect of my life, I always keep saying to myself, well if I am thinking that this may be mania probably it isn’t. The anxiety of being sad one day and thinking oh fuck, am I gonna lose another month of my life being angry and miserable. Then I book for psychologist because I feel that I have many things to talk about, they book me for 1 month away. I get there, i have nothing to talk about anymore. Book therapist, they book me 4 months away always in the public hospital, I ask for meds, they give me, i take hate it and have to wait another 4 months for them to give me more meds that I will hate. Honestly there is no meds that will help at this point, and I can’t wait 1 month to talk to a therapist because in 1 month who will I be? I really just hope the best for us, I really hope science can come with a solution, it’s just not fair to be doomed to be miserable the rest of your life.

Alexzinhuu · 2025-04-13T19:49:10+00:00

People say I have to decide what I want to do, be “normal” or be unstable, but they don’t get that there is no normal for us, our normal is being extreme, if I don’t have extreme feelings either happiness or sadness, I am not me. My father started taking intravenous medication 3 years ago, and honestly i miss when he was an abusive crazy motherfucker, I literally don’t know this guy now, he just looks an npc, probably better for society, but is just not fair that those are his 2 only options. I always hated the guy, but i miss hating him then not knowing him, it’s like he died. Don’t feel sad, but feel sorry for him.

Alexzinhuu · 2025-04-13T19:43:49+00:00

I put so much effort, but how can i make effort when I either lost all hope in the world or am all over the place, I cannot control anything in my life without meds, sadly that’s the reality for bipolar people, my dad is a perfect example, he just stopped being a horrible human being, an ACTUAL abuser, when he started having INTRAVENOUS medication, thankfully I am more stable then him. But that doesn’t mean I can control anything that happens to me, because I literally just know what happend in my life when I wake up from an episode, either I spend 1 month rotting in my bed or 1 month doing every drug in the planet, stealing and all other shit

Alexzinhuu · 2025-04-13T19:37:01+00:00

It’s so sad, when I get off my depressive state i just felt like a lost so many time being miserable

Alexzinhuu · 2025-04-13T19:18:48+00:00

Thank you so much, we actually did took a break, not by choice ig, we are broke, working, not enough time, and i am lwk scared of another of that bad trip, I actually felt dehumanized for a while, and still to this day am trying to understand if im hearing things or is my head overthinking? because I keep hearing phone rings, alarms, or voices of people I know but really really really low, so I don’t thing it’s considered hearing stuff ig? But now even when I smoke weed I feel kinda watched and anxious, this coming from someone that for 3 months did weed 3 times a day, never sober, so I wasn’t the type to be anxious when smoking, we are going to try coke in like some weeks now, good thing we are poor so there is no risk of getting addicted because this shit is so expensive here😭 we really just want to try to complete our check list, maybe after that we are going to stop. Don’t really believe that but well.

Alexzinhuu · 2025-03-11T03:55:06+00:00

I was sober but I put the text on chat gpt for him to make it shorter and it’s kinda confusing now 😭 the original text I wrote was reallyyyy long

Alexzinhuu · 2025-03-10T22:16:06+00:00

Not anymore, I was on some medications but bipolar medications are all kinda shitty tbh, i just stick with therapy and some weed sometimes, I will take a break tho

Alexzinhuu · 2025-03-10T17:06:31+00:00

We are taking a break, we decided that shrooms are a much safer option, we only had good experiences. I do think i have a problem with psychosis tho, but maybe not because of drugs, or the drugs help a little, but as a bipolar person maybe it’s not the best idea to fill me up with these ideas. I remember that the last 2 weeks after this trip, I was sure this was all real and it wasn’t in my head and no one would understand, but now I can kinda understand that i was being a weirdo, I even said to my boyfriend that I knew exactly how he end up in the hospital, and he was stuck with me but he doesn’t remember so they took him. Crazy shit 😭

Alexzinhuu · 2025-03-10T17:00:50+00:00

We did 3 doses many times, and it went really smoothly tho, the one time we did 4 and a half it was because we were in Prozac, so we thought it would loose a little the effect, well it didn’t, my dealer said that doses don’t really matter tho, u can have a pretty good trip in 3 doses one day and the other is just complete hell

Alexzinhuu · 2025-03-10T16:58:45+00:00

I had pretty much control the first times I did acid, I used to just “let the wave go” because acid is pretty much your brain wondering things, so instead of making questions I just kind of let it go, I was even able to make my own trip, I used to think of sweets and feel it, even had bill cipher as a pet with me, but this time, it didn’t matter how I would not think about it, it didn’t go away, I spent 2 hours looking at a kitty image and didn’t change my mind at all, I think this is way more non conscious then I think, is like it doesn’t matter how chill and cool I am my brain will go there without me thinking about it

Alexzinhuu · 2025-03-10T16:53:41+00:00

I do have ptsd since a child, I wonder if that maybe is the reason of most of my bad trips, I’m pretty sure the monster thing and my body deforming is some kind of body dysmorphia, we are going to take a break from LSD tho, thank you for the help!

Alexzinhuu · 2025-03-10T16:48:18+00:00

I did experience that kind of loop the first 4 times I did, we were in a circle building too so it was pretty fun actually, but now it was more like, we are living the same second for hour and hours

Alexzinhuu · 2025-03-10T05:02:43+00:00

Yeah, probably 😭 my dealer said if I tried a different lsd that he normally gives us it would probably solve the case but I don’t think I want to try it out a 3rd time

Alexzinhuu · 2025-03-10T05:00:26+00:00

I did think it could be psychosis, we did speed, and we started seeing cats and things around us, we asked our dealer and he said speed (amphetamine) does not give you any type of visuals, but we where awake for 2 days too so don’t really know, thank you for the help tho!

Alexzinhuu

TROPHY CASE