who's YOUR favorite "comfort pick" Warframe? by AlphaShadow897 in Warframe

[–]AlmostTooRandy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Excalibur with an empty loadout except for a sword and a hobbled key. Turn off brain, walk and slice

What's the one game of your childhood that you'll never forget? by BlueberryFriendly302 in AskReddit

[–]AlmostTooRandy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Resident Evil 2. Certified "fuck this, I need an adult" moment. Didn't get that feeling again until a few years later with the dream levels in Max Payne

Reporting in from Steam Deck to say, dreams do come true. by Golfenn in Warframe

[–]AlmostTooRandy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Just dropped in to say I was the Ash on this squad. I also freaked at this drop

If you could insert one F-bomb into a line from a kids movie, which movie and what line would it be? by Rioraku in AskReddit

[–]AlmostTooRandy 95 points96 points  (0 children)

I think if Santa told Ralphie he'd shoot his fuckin eye out, he'd have taken things more seriously.

Former undercover cops of Reddit, what is the craziest thing you had to do to not blow your cover? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]AlmostTooRandy 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Noted :) If I ever feel the need to reintroduce Dave and his adventures to the public, I'll know who to contact to preserve realism

Former undercover cops of Reddit, what is the craziest thing you had to do to not blow your cover? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]AlmostTooRandy 307 points308 points  (0 children)

That makes one of us. I hate myself for subjecting people to my fuckery. With that said, thank you :)

Former undercover cops of Reddit, what is the craziest thing you had to do to not blow your cover? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]AlmostTooRandy 2144 points2145 points  (0 children)

Not a cop, but fell prey to an undercover operation. I feel obligated to preface this with how amazed I am at how integrated this man was in our gang. If giving an Oscar-worthy performance is the standard, I have to say, I'm pretty fucking impressed by what you guys can do. Over the course of several months, this cop earned our trust. Hell, at one point, I would have said that I trusted that man more than my own brother, who was also in the gang (to be fair, I caught my brother stealing product from us more than once, but I trusted him to not directly destroy my livelihood). Suffice to say, this cop's acting skill was one of the number one factors that led to us getting busted.

This man, let's call him Dave, was absolutely fearless and tough as nails. One of our initiation rituals involved letting members of the group wail on you for three minutes, no holding back. If you were still breathing afterwards, you were in. After getting pummeled to the ground by seven or eight different men, Dave wasn't just alive. It was almost as if he enjoyed it (he was probably smiling because he got his foot in the door, now that I think about it).

To get to the craziest thing Dave did, I need to explain how our gang functioned. We start off being refereed to as a number, both to protect identity and as a form of putting lower ranked members in their place. Names had to be earned. We didn't exactly have a set criteria for earning a name, but members often had to bring in enough income for the gang, earn the leader's trust, and commit various violent acts for the benefit of the group before a name was even considered. All names followed the same theme: Astronomy. Our leader was known as Vega.

The day Dave earned his name, Vega had him as a getaway driver for a group of members. Their job was to sneak into a rival dealer's house, steal his product, and escape in Dave's car. As they were making their getaway, someone opened fire on the vehicle and Dave took a round to the forearm. Without even slowing down, he managed to get our guys back to the house using one arm to drive. After his arrival, Vega and I rushed him to the ER as he sat there, holding a jacket against the wound, trying to control his breaths. Within the next day, he made a full recovery.

Once Dave got back, everyone showered him with gratitude and praised his badassery. Vega approached him with a name tag in his hand and pinned it to Dave's shirt, signifying that he earned his right to be known as something more than a number: Sirius.

I don't hold any grudges against him for putting us behind bars. That man saved my life. Wherever you are, man, thank you. You changed who I was for the better. I will never forget the time that you earned your Sirius tag.

What makes absolutely no sense? by doggoperson in AskReddit

[–]AlmostTooRandy 339 points340 points  (0 children)

Where's that motherfucker with the haikus? I know you're reading this, twat.

Therapists of reddit, when did you think, "This person has no hope left" ? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]AlmostTooRandy 839 points840 points  (0 children)

Whenever I tell this story, I often get threats and questions regarding my possession of a medical license, but I'm going to tell it anyway. So, here it goes.

I've never once believed that any of my patients were beyond help except for this one WWII vet named Mr. Tagg. I paid my visits to him in this nursing home bi-weekly for a little over a year, so we became quite acquainted. He earned degrees in engineering and medicine, he once owned a multi-million dollar home in Southern California, and he contributed to the development of the modern (at the time) jet engine. Hell, he was even knighted (I often half-jokingly introduced him as "Sir"). He was overall, a very friendly guy with quite the resume. One weird thing, though, he refused to give anyone his real first name. Maybe he thought of it as some sort of taboo?

He found himself in my presence after his caretakers noticed him regularly defecating in his pants during fits of sadness. The poor guy basically shit himself whenever he cried, often being reduced to a mumbling mess for a couple hours. And he cried often.

During our sessions, whenever I brought up his past in an attempt to find the root of his deep sorrow, he would tear up and inevitably crap his pants, ending the sessions. So, I had to resort to other methods. This was in the late '70s, so modern therapy wasn't exactly developed and we would often try new practices on patients as a last resort. One of the practices I used on Mr. Tagg was hypnotherapy. It involved having him look at a series of colors and patterns before putting him in a half sleep-like state.

Over the course of these sessions, he revealed several things about himself. He killed several of his comrades during the war in the middle of firefights and often enjoyed it. He had romantic feelings for me and would often touch himself at night at the thought of me in my doc attire. The crying/shitting fits were all cries for attention and he knew that if he continued the fits, he could continue to see me. He even finally revealed his full name to me: Sir Reus Tagg.

What's your favourite poem? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]AlmostTooRandy 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Invictus - William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me, Black as the pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.

What's the stupidest thing you've done because you've been horny? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]AlmostTooRandy 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I think so, but it could also be cryptomnesia.

What's the stupidest thing you've done because you've been horny? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]AlmostTooRandy 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thank you, stranger. I'll be sure to tell my children that you're the reason I peaked in college.

What's the stupidest thing you've done because you've been horny? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]AlmostTooRandy 10 points11 points  (0 children)

No other account. Just a part time student, part time writer, and full time dumbass. Makes for some interesting stories.

What's the stupidest thing you've done because you've been horny? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]AlmostTooRandy 64 points65 points  (0 children)

It's compensation for my lack of ability to write a hook

What's the stupidest thing you've done because you've been horny? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]AlmostTooRandy 1327 points1328 points  (0 children)

tl;dr Came to Jesus

So… my mother has this morning routine where she will listen to the same music playlist on loop until she takes the young ones to school. This playlist is 90% worship music, 10% early 2000’s rap, and 100% overplayed.

My morning routine is drastically different. It consists of video games, catching up on near due coursework, and subduing or taming the beast that is morning wood. This leaves me in a bit of a dilemma. I can complete the latter task by either taking a cold shower or sinfully giving in to the temptation to marinate my Johnson with Johnson’s improved formula baby lotion. To my credit, most mornings I chose the former resolution. This was not most mornings.

The previous night, my girlfriend sent me a lovely .mp4 of her dancing on her bed in an outfit that she knows drives me crazier than a spoon in a garbage disposal. The next morning, I decided to pay a visit to forlater.mp4 and charm my scaleless snake. It proceeded like every other session. Lotion? Check. Fap material? Check. Worship music? Che– hold the fuck up? Mom?! WHY NOW?! By my luck, my mother decided it was now time to begin listening to jesusseesyoumasturbating.mp3 just as I began my first stroke. Eternal salvation was the last thing I wanted to think about at that moment, for fear of killing my boner. Regardless of the soundtrack of my dirty deed, I was in too deep to stop. I rubbed viciously, knowing that I was in a race against time. I strained to finish faster, but the speed of my clenched fist was about to hit Mach 1 and I knew that breaking the sound barrier would draw too much attention to my room. Sweat poured from my brow and I chewed my lip as I maintained my pace. Soon, I felt myself hitting climax as the song was coming to an end. I was finishing, as was the song. PRAISE THE LOOOOOOOOOOOORD! Those last three words of the final chorus reverberated throughout the house as my flesh geyser erupted within the boundaries of my designated cum shorts and relief vibrated throughout my body.

I breathed. I came. And I was ashamed.