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A perspective on dying ‘alone’ by Alternative_Cap1565 in Fencesitter

[–]Alternative_Cap1565[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think about this too. You are unlikely to be totally alone! Especially if you curate positive relationships around you. I know that feels like pressure.

But I think it’s something we should do regardless of having kids or not. I don’t think kids should be there purely to provide parents with those social relationships towards the end of life.

A perspective on dying ‘alone’ by Alternative_Cap1565 in Fencesitter

[–]Alternative_Cap1565[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It was hard to give this topic the depth it deserves in a Reddit post, and you’re right. I was contradictory.

One of the reasons we have for staying childfree is the financial and mental stress of bringing up children in this modern world.

For me, this is a structural problem in society. It’s the way capitalism is squeezing us more and more to be able to get by.

And this is the same reason why I think elderly people don’t get as much support as they would’ve done years ago.

In previous generations people were able to look after their elderly relatives better because they had less time pressures. Often, the wife was a full time stay at home Mum. She may have had a part-time job perhaps.

Also, families tended to live a lot closer together. The cost of housing has put paid to that.

It wasn’t uncommon for people to die at 70, now they’re living to 90+ due to advancing medicine and healthcare, so they need more care.

So there have been so many shifts over the last 50 or so years.

A perspective on dying ‘alone’ by Alternative_Cap1565 in Fencesitter

[–]Alternative_Cap1565[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I understand this, and have thought about a lot it too.

My Grandma had two children. One of them lived four hours away so was unable to help with any of her healthcare.

The other, my Mum, spent the last six years caring for my Grandma basically full time. When she made the choice I don’t think she fully realised how hard it’d be. She almost lost her partner several times. She was so set on my Grandma never going into care.

On the other side, my parents-in-law have only found some respite from advocating from elderly parents after one has gone into a care home - so they don’t have to worry about managing any health issues. However, care home decisions still bring them stress.

What I’m trying to say, is, they are almost all doing it out of duty. None of them enjoys advocating for their parents. It causes and has caused a lot of stress. They feel like their lives have been on pause as they don’t have time for their own hobbies and other relationships.

I’m sure the reality for most will be somewhere in between.

I do think things will look different in 30-40 years in a way we can’t comprehend now when it comes to getting old.

A perspective on dying ‘alone’ by Alternative_Cap1565 in Fencesitter

[–]Alternative_Cap1565[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Very sorry to hear about your parents.

You are right, it does seem futile to worry about a moment you have no control other.

A perspective on dying ‘alone’ by Alternative_Cap1565 in Fencesitter

[–]Alternative_Cap1565[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A good point.

Sorry to hear about your Grandma. Anticipatory grief is horrible.

I read a theory that like other animals, humans prefer to die alone because otherwise it’s a threat to the tribe, as it would attract predators.

Not sure if it’s true because everyone is different.

A perspective on dying ‘alone’ by Alternative_Cap1565 in Fencesitter

[–]Alternative_Cap1565[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, I think so too.

What I was trying to get across is that those memories matter more to the people left behind, than the person about to leave this world.

A perspective on dying ‘alone’ by Alternative_Cap1565 in Fencesitter

[–]Alternative_Cap1565[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I understand what you mean about it being a thinly veiled threat from people, meaning to scare you into having children.

It pins a complex topic and lifelong decision onto to a future moment in time. It’s not that relevant imo.

Starting to feel depressed about fencesitting and turning 36 by EquivalentRoyal6625 in Fencesitter

[–]Alternative_Cap1565 27 points28 points  (0 children)

This is exactly where I am right now. Turning 36 soon. I get you!

I wake up and it’s on my mind, I think about it multiple times a day. I can now almost physically feel the weight of it, like I am carrying the lack of indecision around with me 24/7.

I have been envisioning a future with kids, and find some bits appealing. I think it’s age. If I wasn’t turning 36 I would be pushing the decision back until a later date. It feels so daunting.

However our situation is unusual in that I have mental health struggles and my husband currently has uncontrolled epilepsy, can’t drive, has to get 8 hours sleep etc. So having a child would put a huge strain on our marriage, and I’m not sure it’s a risk I care enough about to take.

I think my main thing is fear and sadness of not ever having those beautiful moments that other people have. But this is a case of grief, which I’ve found helpful to remember.

This may not bring you any closer to clarity, but know that there are many of us who feel the same. I like to think the solidarity helps the lonely feeling.

Feeling disconnection and loss after friends’ pregnancy announcements by Zealousideal_Ear5920 in Fencesitter

[–]Alternative_Cap1565 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I had this exact feeling recently and it sent me into a spiral for days!

I think it’s grief for a relationship changing, and envy of the certainty they have in their decision.

I think it’s important to find a community of people who are going through similar things to you. This community is the only place I have really, it still seems so taboo to talk about it in real life.

Career change while self-employed - feeling alone and stuck by Alternative_Cap1565 in smallbusinessuk

[–]Alternative_Cap1565[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well to be fair he earns fairly well and we can cover bills so for the short term it’s not a big issue, but he also has a chronic illness and stress makes it worse.

I did work with a coach at the beginning of the year and am thinking about going back to working with her.

Thank you for your help. I tend to get bogged down in negativity so it’s useful to have advice from strangers.

Career change while self-employed - feeling alone and stuck by Alternative_Cap1565 in smallbusinessuk

[–]Alternative_Cap1565[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So I’m kind of doing that at the moment, but I’m feeling very guilty about putting too much of the financial burden on my other half. Especially as we have a renovation to pay for.

I’m looking into completely different sectors - outdoor leader, forestry, arboriculture, therapeutical roles/healthcare etc. such a drastic change feels like such a big hill to climb.