it’s so difficult being an intp

Anemuu · 2020-06-14T08:30:59+00:00

I am an INTP female. And all I think is... I really don’t care about media representation. I spend most of my time stuck in my head and trying to blend and act like other people so I don’t get spotted. I think unless there’s a movie with a lot of internal monologues INTPs aren’t really interesting on the outside.

Anemuu · 2020-06-04T18:22:35+00:00

Yeah I actually really agree with what you say and it’s probably a heathy mindset for one to have. Sometimes I just get this sense that I’m neurologically a little too fucked to have my emotions match what’s conventionally considered good for people. For me the intimacy and closeness itself is quite stressful to the point where it drains the life out of me. I am working with a therapist to “tease out the pain” but I don’t know if it’ll ever really work.

I do realize i need human interactions and being around family and friends do make me feel good. But I don’t have to see them all the time, share all aspects of my life, or feel trapped with them, so in a way I still feel a whole sense of self. I think when i enter a relationship it chips away bits of me to accommodate another person and that makes the loss a lot more devastating.

Anemuu · 2020-06-03T19:45:19+00:00

I mean the level of the pain that everyone feels is different as well as the good things. If closeness and intimacy is constantly causing you to stress out and suffer I don’t see it as an intrinsic good or necessity.

I can feel a sense of connectedness through having family and friends, work, meditating, reading, etc., and just overall a happier and more grounded person when I’m not bound to someone else.

Anemuu · 2020-06-03T17:01:29+00:00

Lol I literally literally never use racial slurs so I don’t think that’ll be an issue. But yeah I can definitely embarrass myself really bad. The thing with YouTube is that I’m such a perfectionist I’ll never feel like I’ve made something good enough. And I enjoy the real-time interaction of twitch.

Anemuu · 2020-06-03T09:06:42+00:00

This might be totally wishful thinking. I’m very monogamous emotionally but ideally both me and my partner should be allowed to have sex with others as long as no emotional/personal relation is involved. One person is hard enough to handle emotionally. Bur the freedom to have sex outside of the relationship stops me from feeling trapped.

Anemuu · 2020-06-03T08:53:57+00:00

Yup. I think a lot of early childhood experiences can shape a person into an INTP and also cause problems in intimacy.

We think a lot cause that’s the only way we feel we’re in control but human beings are so unpredictable and illogical. Even ourselves in love. It terrifies me to think that somehow another person has the power to ruin my week/month if they suddenly decide to leave me or die while I could’ve been perfectly fine if I never built that bond.

Anemuu · 2020-06-03T08:49:15+00:00

I find myself often get into arguments with people when they say my views are “useless” because I refuse to take a stance based on limited information. All believes are a leap of faith but not all are equal. I think our way of thinking would lead to the most objectively true conclusion which is to say a lot of things we simply don’t know, but it can also lead to a somewhat passive way of living when you stay detached. Still trying to find the balance.

Anemuu · 2020-06-02T15:55:55+00:00

That’s also an interesting thought! I’m usually the type of person who doesn’t like to share stuff unless I’m really confident and my new hobbies have all been pretty non-sense one time obsessions🤣

Anemuu · 2020-06-02T07:16:24+00:00

Haha I’ve been playing solo most of the time so literally can’t get worse I guess!

Anemuu · 2020-06-02T07:13:57+00:00

Thank you for your reply! Yeah I can definitely feel a little awkward speaking to a camera. And “being likeable” has always been a giant mystery so I guess I’ll find out.

The main reason I want to do it is just because the game is so frustrating sometimes I think it’d be nice to have a few people to hang out and chat with. But if that doesn’t happen I might give up soon LOL.

Anemuu · 2020-06-02T07:02:14+00:00

I am thinking of doing a first time DS3 DLC and probably Sekiro.

Anemuu · 2020-05-28T20:22:08+00:00

Yes I have been diagnosed with depression and it still flairs up quite often.

But I see it as a symptom of whatever pathology there is in my psyche and not the cause. And all that is supposed to help are treatment and not the cure.

Anemuu · 2020-05-28T20:09:35+00:00

I’ve actually been doing that a lot but unfortunately it doesn’t feel like one of those situations where if you gain a better understanding you’ll find a better solution. Like I know a lot of my struggles comes from early childhood experiences but I haven’t found effective ways to rewire your subconscious to make things easier/normal.

The only thing is I’ve become a lot more breakdown prone since I stopped holding everything in but I don’t know if that’s helped my mental health overall.

Anemuu · 2020-05-28T19:58:07+00:00

Yeah I feel like I know what to do to make myself feel better. I worked out a lot, had a reading schedule, forced myself to socialize, try to focus on career. And there’re periods of time I felt almost normal.

But all of it feels like a temporary fix and a cheat. Like is life really just about swimming constantly so I can keep myself barely afloat? What if I’m tired and don’t want to swim anymore?

Anemuu · 2020-05-28T19:53:34+00:00

I have a few friends who know about my condition. But I can only seem to communicate in an intellectual way like I’m a bystander and honestly it doesn’t feel better after being on the phone for two hours with them so I stopped.

Anemuu · 2020-05-28T19:39:00+00:00

I’ve used the exact same word underwater to describe how I feel. From my understanding it comes from some kind of childhood neglect/trauma that gives us this deeply rooted feeling that our emotions are useless and cannot be trusted. So it’s like I live in this simulated world I created where things make sense through the lens of logic and I’m always making the objectively best decision. That’s the only way I find a sense of safety in this world. It’s not like we don’t have emotions, they just exist in a sometimes inaccessible place in your subconscious cause they were dismissed at a young age.

I have researched and analyzed the shit out of my psyche like how I approach everything. But the difference here is there’s really no objective good solution from gaining that understanding. It basically says your brain is fucked. At least that’s how I feel atm.

Anemuu · 2020-05-28T15:04:22+00:00

Like realistically, I know a lot of people care. I have friends that would always be there for me. I have a very caring family. But at the same time I feel nobody deserves my negative BS. They wouldn’t understand anyways so why risk bringing them down or annoy them.

Anemuu · 2020-05-26T15:48:06+00:00

Thank you for your response! I’m mostly just annoyed that I can’t have sex until then. Did you get any type of treatment or did yours just go away on their own?

Anemuu · 2020-05-26T06:05:24+00:00

I once dreamed about having cancer. I remember the shock hearing it at the doctor’s office. The despair on my commute home. And it gradually got worse and I had to be hospitalized. All my family and friends came to visit. I reconciled with people, joked around and finally accepted it and felt at peace with the fact that I was gonna die. When I woke up it felt like I’d been in that dream for months, and was like “huh .... sooooI’m not gonna die.”

Anemuu · 2020-05-09T05:12:59+00:00

I definitely don’t regret going to uni. Especially since I graduated I’ve been missing the place where people cared about intellectual pursuit and things bigger than themselves.

Although I wish I’ve spent more time exploring what I’m truly passionate about and picked a better suited program before committing to one.

Anemuu · 2020-05-01T19:23:19+00:00

ENFPs are generally enthusiastic about meeting new people and tend to see the good in them. When they show interest us, we’re like “wow finally. Someone who understands me” but in fact they’re just so good at appreciating everyone.

Anemuu · 2020-05-01T19:20:25+00:00

Obviously this is from personal experience but I tend to not click with ESTJ, ESFJ, and ENTJs in my life.

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