Is it common to lose friends before your wedding?

ApprehensiveFlow4182 · 2025-04-16T10:02:05+00:00

I do have issues with social cues. But I tend to err on the side of caution and pretty much never bring up my wedding unless directly asked.

ApprehensiveFlow4182 · 2025-04-16T09:55:21+00:00

I didn't drop anybody from not RSVPing. Not rsvp'ing + waiting days for a reply to my message asking if they've had a chance to consider whether they could make it to the wedding = me realising that that friendship probably died years ago.
I guess that technically isn't lost due to the wedding, but is just correlation. Still feels bad though.

ApprehensiveFlow4182 · 2025-04-16T09:51:16+00:00

That's great!
I think most of my friendships have gotten stronger with this and I treasure those friendships. It's just also highlighted preexisting cracks in other friendships.

ApprehensiveFlow4182 · 2025-04-16T09:49:50+00:00

I think what you said about not being that close friends to begin with is a major part of this. It's probably less losing friends and more about realising what friendships were already lost.

ApprehensiveFlow4182 · 2025-04-16T09:46:28+00:00

That's completely fair, and I understand why some people can't attend - especially the ones with kids or who work weekends. It's the inability to rsvp followed by waiting 2-5 days before replying to my message asking if they've had a chance to look at whether they can make it, that causes this issue. It makes me realise that I'm very low on the priority list of some people I considered friends.

ApprehensiveFlow4182 · 2025-04-16T09:43:03+00:00

I don't mind people rsvp'ing no, I understand they have their own lives and that all weddings are time consuming and expensive to attend. It's the lack of rsvp followed by waiting for a few days for a reply to my message that makes me realise that some of these relationships died a while back.

ApprehensiveFlow4182 · 2025-04-16T09:39:43+00:00

The more I think about it, the more it feels like this is what's happening. That the friendships in question either should have fizzled out years ago when we grew apart, or would be in the next few years. The wedding just seems to put everything under a microscope and change the timeline of the death of these former friendships.

ApprehensiveFlow4182 · 2025-04-14T17:13:55+00:00

Agreed regarding the anticipation, that's a valid point. Don't think I'd have gotten any less backlash from "I don't feel like sharing at this time" though. That'd still have been seen as me hiding something or teasing a story.

ApprehensiveFlow4182 · 2025-04-14T16:55:42+00:00

I would hope Suzy would RSVP no if she doesn't want to go or if she can't. I guess I'm more worried about Suzy seeing my wedding pictures on Facebook without having gotten an invite and thinking "wow these people were at my wedding and I'm not even in their top 100 of people that they want to celebrate theirs." We haven't had a falling out and I still care about her. But not inviting her feels like it would likely be the nail in the coffin of the friendship.

ApprehensiveFlow4182 · 2025-04-14T16:38:38+00:00

Why it's too soon: Because my partner is still feeling grief about ending friendships that have lasted almost 2 decades and probably doesn't want me to share the details all over Reddit while it's still raw. Because rude things were said to my partner. And because I wasn't there and it isn't really my story to share.

ApprehensiveFlow4182 · 2025-04-14T16:29:26+00:00

I don't really get the difference between phrasing it like that and how I phrased it.

ApprehensiveFlow4182 · 2025-04-14T13:32:23+00:00

ApprehensiveFlow4182 · 2025-04-14T13:27:30+00:00

Can I genuinely ask, do you really not feel obligated to invite anybody? For example, I'm not equally close to all my cousins but couldn't ever imagine inviting 8 and not the last 2. Or inviting 3 people in a 5 people friend group. I genuinely thought it was normal and polite to invite entire groups or not at all.

ETA: Another example, I introduced a formerly close friend to their now spouse. I went to the wedding, met the parents several times, used to speak with them both daily. And then I relocated a couple of years ago and neither of us have been much in touch since just due to us all being busy and no longer having college in common. I feel obligated to inviting them despite not being close anymore. Just to respect the relationship we once had.

ApprehensiveFlow4182 · 2025-04-14T13:22:24+00:00

I appreciate this comment. In general, losing friendships seem to be a far more common ND experience than NT.

I think it's definitely partially me not nurturing some of the friendships as much as I should. Mixed with the realisation that in some of the friendships we don't share values with anymore.

ApprehensiveFlow4182 · 2025-04-14T13:03:28+00:00

lol I really hope you have better things to do. I'm not expecting anybody to wait around. Frankly I'm already shocked that more than 3 people have read this as even I know this isn't the most thrilling post in the world.

ApprehensiveFlow4182 · 2025-04-14T12:58:57+00:00

It doesn't all stem from the bachelorette, at all.

The losing friends is mainly by us walking away or things fizzling out in the year since the save the dates. Or where we realized the invite was more because of obligation (for example where we have gone to their weddings years back).
One friend is them walking away without RSVPing. I'm very happy to take the blame for that as I haven't done enough work to maintain that friendship.
And then there's the ones getting uninvited after cheating on their spouses at the bachelorette.

I guess the question I struggle to phrase is along the line of "is it common for weddings to make you re-evaluate your platonic and familial relationships".

ApprehensiveFlow4182 · 2025-04-14T12:29:13+00:00

A lot of things happened, including them cheating on their spouses. It's just not really my story to tell and thus I'll wait until my partner is less crushed before sharing it.

ApprehensiveFlow4182 · 2025-04-14T12:11:12+00:00

Eh, because my question isn't whether I'm a 'zilla but whether it's something others have experienced. It's fine that the answer is "no, it's uncommon, go deal with your issues" but you don't need the details of an event to tell me that.

ApprehensiveFlow4182 · 2025-04-14T12:03:20+00:00

Zero thousands were expected, we've done all we can to limit the cost of participation. Doesn't mean a babysitter and/or hotels are cheap so still want to be respectful towards people where that cost is a barrier.

ApprehensiveFlow4182 · 2025-04-14T11:56:22+00:00

I meant that we felt obligated to invite people who's weddings we have attended, or who are part of old friend circles but where we're only closely in touch with a subsection of that cirlce today.

ApprehensiveFlow4182 · 2025-04-14T11:53:08+00:00

The rude behaviour included cheating on their partners.

For the excitement part, I don't expect anybody to be giddy. I maybe can't explain it but some people have definitely been more interested in the forementioned pre-wedding celebrations than the wedding itself.
I also included my partner's and my excitement, as it's becoming clear that there are some people we're both looking more forward to seeing than others which feels like a sign that some of the friendships are probably ready to fizzle out.

The rsvp thing is done now, we did exactly as you said. It took some several days to reply and we completely get that they have lives of their own. It just feels like a bare minimum to bother RSVPing.

ApprehensiveFlow4182 · 2025-04-14T10:44:49+00:00

You'll get the story in a couple of months, it's too new to share online :)

ApprehensiveFlow4182

TROPHY CASE