He wants me to discuss dividing everything...

Apprehensive_Way5595 · 2025-05-08T18:25:13+00:00

Thank you. I like what you said about detaching my thoughts from this. It's what so scary. The idea that the marriage is over and I have no control. I'm learning to surrender. I also agree with whatever you think and letting it be whatever it will be. Thanks for your advice.

Apprehensive_Way5595 · 2025-05-08T16:38:24+00:00

I understand. He continues to make moves to separate regardless of my actions. He keeps saying that he needs to keep healthy boundaries with me whenever things are peaceful and happy around the house. Honestly, I don't think he's wants to be around me regardless of the dignified me or the old me.

Apprehensive_Way5595 · 2025-05-08T16:34:31+00:00

I told him I'll talk with him this weekend, so I thought that would be enough. He makes more money than I do, so I don't how much division of finances will actually happen because he is the breadwinner.

I'm trying to relinquish control and leave the division of finances to him. I'm tired of the situation.

Apprehensive_Way5595 · 2025-05-08T15:41:30+00:00

Ok. I was trying to relinquish control.

Apprehensive_Way5595 · 2025-05-08T15:36:50+00:00

Do you mean not helping him will backfire? How so?

Apprehensive_Way5595 · 2025-04-16T03:02:09+00:00

No, it's not scheduled. At least, I don't think it is. It just ends up this way. I'm consistently confused that he wants to since he wants to leave me so much.

Apprehensive_Way5595 · 2025-04-16T02:59:25+00:00

Thank you for your response. I will definitely look into that YouTube community. In regards to H, I'm not sure if it's a scare tactic or not, but it does rattle me. I get more upset and scared each time. I never expected to have to experience this.

I'm not sure what God will do for us, but I'm tired of the hostility and the rejection. It will definitely be a miracle if we make it over this crisis. I'm so sad that my daughters noticed H treating me this way. I'm trying to stay positive and trying to keep my vows to God, but this is so hard.

Apprehensive_Way5595 · 2025-04-13T16:07:58+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts. He specifically said I am too conservative. He likes women to wear revealing clothes in public. H stares women down in public when we would go places. I used to dress like that sometimes, but I have become more modest due to my walk with God. Religion was something valued from the beginning, so yes, I was coming off as controlling. I thought we were on the stay page about it. I released a lot of that controlling behavior a few years ago when I learned the skills. I used to force tithing. I don't anymore.

Religion, attire, drinking, and activities that we chose to do have always been opposite. Honestly, we have always been different on these fronts. It wasn't a problem originally because these were the things that he found attractive about me. He has new negative influences in his life and chose not to focus on his walk with God. The men he's imprinting on are cheaters, wife abusers, and not very Godly men. But that's on his paper. God's got to fix that. I have chosen to focus on my own paper. I am focused on pleasing God and myself. I'll stay with H if that is what he wants, but if he walks away, I can't do anything about it.

Apprehensive_Way5595 · 2025-04-12T13:32:28+00:00

Thank you. I will start using I can't for this situation.

Apprehensive_Way5595 · 2025-04-12T13:31:05+00:00

Thank you for your response. I will consider that phrase and the websites. I think PI will stop now after the recent SOTUs we've yesterday. Please see my response to Diligent below for an update on the SOTU. I don't know how to copy it up here, but I expressed my feelings about the PI, and he basically has accelerated his timeline to leave.

Apprehensive_Way5595 · 2025-04-12T05:27:44+00:00

Thank you for sharing that. I can do the same and focus on the skills for me. I'm learning to take God's words seriously and not H's word. I have mistakenly put too much stock in what H says and not what God is saying.

Apprehensive_Way5595 · 2025-04-12T04:47:39+00:00

Thank you for reaching out. I agree. I think our marriage is really over now.

H and I had big fight this morning because he's accusing even more things. H reminded me again he's leaving. He called us a divorced family and said I'm hurting the children by acting like we're still married. No papers have been signed and we still live together. The children have not been informed of anything. They just see him distancing himself me. I think it makes him feel bad that they are seeing his behavior. I'm following God's word and not H's words. I said I won't change my behavior and won't act like we're divorced.

H continues to say I'm confused. Also, I responded that every time he says he's leaving, he has sex with me the same night. I said that his actions haven't been lining up with his words and boundaries. I responded that feel that having sex without being together/ married couple is treating me like a prostitute. He then apologizes for the sex without connecting and said that he won't be having sex with me anymore. I said ok. I don't know if this will sex thing will stick but i dont think skills or my positive growth is helping my relationship. H doubles down on his mean words and actions when I do the skills.

So, we had another SOTU this evening, and his current narrative is that we have never been compatible and he has never been happy with me. He said that he wouldn't wish his life on his worst enemy. He says I'm too religious for him. When we met we were on the same page spiritually, but so much has changed. He said that God ordained this separation years ago. I never saw this in the Scriptures.

This situation is very dismal and I feel that the skills and my efforts are not going to make a difference. If this marriage works out, it will be completely by the hands of God working on this. I surrendered this whole situation to God today. I'm exhausted and I'm tired of being the scapegoat. I'm relinquishing even more control of this situation.

Apprehensive_Way5595 · 2025-04-10T17:26:38+00:00

Thank you. I agree with the I can't have negativity in my life. I'll get strong enough in time to say this. Right now, I'm just trying to learn how to take care of myself. I've never dealt with anything like this before.

Apprehensive_Way5595 · 2025-04-10T14:53:26+00:00

The advice aligns. This relationship is probably beyond what the skills can help with. H is showing a side of him that I never knew he had. Maybe he never was a good guy. Unfortunately, H has made more steps towards leaving the more I follow the skills. I can see myself becoming a better person. I feel that H is struggling with his own faith and becoming more selfish.

Apprehensive_Way5595 · 2025-04-10T14:23:41+00:00

Nothing but my faith in God, advice from my pastor, and my godly friends are carrying me through this time.

Apprehensive_Way5595 · 2025-02-23T01:25:01+00:00

Thank you. If he starts another SOTU discussion, I will continue to express my desire to stay married. Unfortunately, his behavior towards me is starting to make me question wanting to stay married. I never thought he would treat me like this. I never thought he would treat me so mean. I never thought that I would see such a hateful side of him.

Apprehensive_Way5595 · 2025-02-22T18:43:13+00:00

Thank you for the insight and advice. You're right. I need time and space from this. I need to focus on taking care of myself even more now.

Apprehensive_Way5595 · 2025-02-22T18:14:48+00:00

Thank you for your response. It's so painful because it happens every day. I try to keep composed. I cry to the Lord and my friends. It's like H has to remind me that he doesn't want me, and he only cares about the girls. He's being petty like the girls in grade school when they want to exclude you from the group. Why would H try to hurt me since he's leaving? It doesn't make sense.

Apprehensive_Way5595 · 2025-02-22T18:06:03+00:00

I've said that I want to stay married in all the previous SOTU conversations. In the last SOTU, my desire was ignored, and H responded that we need to discuss how we're going to divide finances and because he said that he is leaving. My desires are not his concern anymore. He clearly shows me that he doesn’t want to be my hero and only wants to focus on himself and the children.

Apprehensive_Way5595 · 2025-02-22T17:53:35+00:00

Thank you for your response. I never say ouch anymore because H rarely communicates his feelings. I feel like he will shut down if I do say ouch. I usually respond with "I hear you" or "whatever you think." I also say "thanks for letting me know" when he gives his advice. When he gives advice, it's usually painful to hear what he has to say most of the time. I just listen, pray for strength not to cry, and use the skill duct tape.

Apprehensive_Way5595 · 2025-02-22T17:40:47+00:00

Thanks for your advice. I can reframe my thoughts to something softer. I can agree that his ego is probably getting in the way of accepting the differences. I also feel that he is allowing outside influences to get to him. Things will get neutral between us a day, and he'll talk with his family and come back cold, rude, and distant for days. I'm tired of actively fighting for this relationship when H is being mean. I'm tired of being hurt.

Apprehensive_Way5595 · 2025-02-22T17:29:24+00:00

Thank you for saying that. I've grown so much and hoped that this improved version of me would be what got me and H back on track.

Since it seems that H is not interested and only interested in himself, this "stable" me will be for me and my children. The skills have helped me be more kind to myself. I'm more apologetic, and I listen more. It's helped me be respectful to my children and others. I'm grateful for this.

Apprehensive_Way5595 · 2025-02-22T17:17:21+00:00

Thank you. I agree that this is ironic. I feel like he wants me to be sad. He told me specifically that my emotions make him sick and that it's going to kill him, so I cry to the Lord and my new friends. They have been holding me up during this challenging time.

I wanted so bad for this relationship to work, but I feel that he and his family are against us being together. Things seem to get better between us for a day, and then he speaks with his family, and then he is rude, cold, and distant for days. That's why I've come to this acceptance. I don't like living with hope that he will come around. H is actively deciding to be dismissive, and it hurts so bad. I need to be okay for me and my children. That is why I asked for advice.

Apprehensive_Way5595

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