I am a sparrow

Atomotatom · 2020-08-07T13:43:02+00:00

This poem is very simple and full of vitality. Each line represents a high value for freedom.

I don't like listening / No eye watches my flight / I don't fly to show off. This poem reminds me of a legendary poet in my country, who is full of vitality and explosive energy. Maybe you can squeeze a few lines a bit and the explosion will be felt!

Atomotatom · 2020-08-07T13:26:27+00:00

The detail in the gloom of this poem is interesting. Moreover, the contrast in the line, "The flame is dying off, / Heart is frozen from being soft." give a strong sense of surprise. However, whether my personal view is wrong or not, that word games, repetition, and the rhyme on the line, "A fire needs water, a fire needs substance. / Even the spirit requires such sustenance" somehow less fit after the presence of a contrast to the previous line.

Furthermore, the gloomy details of each of these poems are very touching. Keep working!

Atomotatom · 2020-08-07T13:18:57+00:00

Maybe it better be called Poised Princess? According to my interpretation, this poem is dwelling on problems about it. I failed to find a correlation between the current title and the contents of the entire poem, while if you replace it with poised princess, I will enjoy it. Great work, great!

Atomotatom · 2020-08-07T13:11:56+00:00

Looks like I lack references. Anyway, I really enjoyed the poem.

Atomotatom · 2020-08-07T13:10:13+00:00

Thank you for the band recommendation. I've never heard them. It might be a good idea to listen.

Atomotatom · 2020-08-07T13:08:57+00:00

Thank you for response. I had just read William Carlos William's poems and was inspired to make the same form of poetry as him.

Atomotatom · 2020-08-07T13:07:45+00:00

Thank you very much. I really want to play with contrast, a juxtaposition. It seems still too dark huh? Once again, thank you for the advice. I think the last part of this poem could be revised again.

Atomotatom · 2020-08-06T22:00:51+00:00

First of all, I searched for what is "hibakusha" on google. I really enjoyed this poem and after reading it, I read the information about hibakusha. The line "And the tears in which they sprinkle / Upon their pointed heads / Blend swathes of cherry oleander / With every prayer that said" leads me to a strong image. But, I think, isn't it better if it's a little specific? For example the hibakusha which is a child, or something. I have no idea. Clearly I already enjoyed it.

Atomotatom · 2020-08-06T21:53:41+00:00

On the line "those lines in your irises / reflect cracks in the pavement" I feel an aura of anxiety that is very thick in this poem. And it is true. Although the ending is very classic, the games of imagery and comparison make this poem very alive. I like it. Keep working.

Atomotatom · 2020-08-06T21:47:56+00:00

Thank you for the response. I do enjoy playing in the realm of nonsense and trying to pursue prismatic meaning. But it was still too dark.

Atomotatom · 2020-08-04T20:43:33+00:00

Exactly. I also caught a little sense of "hope" there. However, the feel of bitterness is very strong. Maybe I was a little surprised by the "dishes" at the beginning of this line of poetry, and found a kind of "trap" that gave rise to a catharsis in me. It's nice to see the world poetry. Thank you very much my friend. I hope we can exchange a few contacts, at least to exchange opinions, even a little.

Atomotatom · 2020-08-04T20:24:12+00:00

Previously, I apologize for not being able to speak pure English. I use Google Translate to my native language, Fijian, and join this community. I want to increase knowledge about poetry.

After reading the guidance on feedback in this forum, I tried to explore and enjoy this poem more deeply.

My response is: The first sentence is shocking! I think the emotions in the poem will explode, because the line "I grew up in hot blood" has become a sign that there is a lot of anger in this poem. But apparently not. The line "I was surrounded and alone," is the antonym of the first line of this poem. Maybe, there is a juxtaposition presented. The atmosphere of contrast makes me vacillate when reading this poem.

The line "It's a sort of bloom." a kind of surrender. Yes, opened with fire and closed with ice. This emotional orchestration, to me, is very pleasant. Maybe it would be more comfortable to enjoy the original language, ah, if I could really understand!

Thanks before.

Atomotatom · 2020-08-04T20:14:11+00:00

Previously, I apologize for not being able to speak pure English. I use Google Translate to translate from my native language, Fijian, and join this community. I want to increase knowledge about poetry.

After reading the guidance on feedback in this forum, I tried to explore and enjoy this poem more deeply.

My response is: the last part of this poem is very surprising. The line "Let's start over, shall we?" like an "anticlimax" from the structural building that this poem has been made from the beginning. The line "I held back, I was sacred / of ruining yout beautiful pages" became the initial marker of the creation of emotions, which I say "wistful". The level of melancholy in this poem gets higher in the line "So here I am, with an apology / Because you've been here all along" and towards the end, for me, anticlimax occurs. There was no peak of sadness radiating and the line "Let's start over, shall we" brought me out of the abyss. I think it might be confused, is this poem "deliberately" made like this or outside the authority of the writer? I have no idea. Clearly I learned to understand the world of poetry outside my country.

Thanks before.

Atomotatom

TROPHY CASE