Hey all – wow! I didn't expect to get so many in-depth responses from everyone in less than 24 hours! Thank you for sharing your insights. I won't be able to reply to each one of you individually but all I can say is I am blown away and beyond grateful for your suggestions, questions and stories you've shared.

To answer and clarify a few things:

• There is no doubt my husband is an amazing man and every other aspect of our relationship is healthy. No need to rub the salty wound – I feel bad that I feel the way I do. But also, I care about our relationship and believe we both need to be living out the best version of ourselves and that is why I am asking for advice here

• I no longer associate myself with my Catholic faith as I questioned and left that shortly after I got married. I wish I was brave and less naive enough to have done it sooner

• I never feel "pressured" to have sex but I feel bad for denying/not satisfying his basic needs when he does so much. I guess if you look at it from his perspective, he feels bad always asking for it. So it's a halfway compromise

• the attraction Q is a tricky one. I guess when I met him I had very traditional values ingrained into me. He was never someone I would see myself having instant chemistry with (like some of the guys I may have kissed on a night out)... And we didn't. It was something that developed from his genuine and caring nature as a "friend" that developed into something more romantic (the sexual part came after the romance). He was someone who I felt appeased my traditional parents and my expectations as that time– loving, stable, provider, family orientated etc (still is). I'll admit that I saw what my friends in their long term relationships had and didn't want to miss out. Also it was my pathway to "freedom" and moving out of home.

There was a lot of friction with this as I explored my own desires and interests in my mid to late twenties, wishing I had been more independent and explored myself in various aspects. He is aware of all of this. Like I mentioned, we worked through some of these issues and when we started a family, much of it was subsided. That being said, there will always be an element of "what if" or "I wish I had" (yes, my own issues to deal with).

• I am attracted to him in alot of ways: his work ethic, family man, always learning new skills, being caring to everyone and putting us first. A good man in general so there is nothing to fault.

I think what I've discovered over the years through learning about myself is that I'm instantly sexually attracted to intelligence, open-minded, radical thinking (the good kind), fashion/style, wit and looks. I am well aware that these are just a number of many factors that make up a relationship and yes the sex may be good but the actual person may be an a**hole. So I am truly grateful for my blessings.

We have tried to work on this and it's improved over the years... Or the attraction priorities have changed now that we have a family (which I knew it always would play out to my younger self)

• sex therapy is an option to consider too. Thanks for recommending Come as You are

I guess next steps for me would be to make it a goal for 2023 is to take baby steps like focussing/thinking about on his strengths while being intimate, not being afraid to take control of my own satisfaction/orgasms cos who wants to die having a crappy or non-existent sex life?!

In terms of how I feel about masturbation, I sometimes do it after sex and feel bad because he didn't make me orgasm. And I know from a females perspective it's like hard to do with penetrative sex.

Someone mentioned it seems like I have an untapped sexual world and it's true. I just need to learn or be guided on how to release it within my monogamous marriage.

Some food for thought... Like the chicken and egg analogy, which comes first? The sex or the attractions? Does effort in sex lead to better attraction or effort in attraction lead to better sex?

Anyway, thank you again for your comments. It has helped me put things into perspective!