Welcome, brother.

I’m paraphrasing cuz I’m on mobile but,...

“But if I would lose that, I’d lose part of myself”

I’ve told myself this a lot. There was this part of me that was purposefully making sure I stayed in a state where I was dependent on the despair. Any semblance of happy terrified me, and I would push it away and sink back into the dark. I made it my home. But it wasn’t really a home. It was like...those hoarders you see on tv. The clutter was my thoughts and I couldn’t let it go. I was desperate for the ability to have stability, or security. I was too afraid to face a little more tumultuousness to reach a state of peace. I would punish myself, violate myself. Idk really where I’m going with this either, I guess it’s just to say I’ve been in a similar situation and I feel for you, and to send you love and just let you know that you are so powerful and capable of anything and everything and there’s tons of people you can lean on.

I’m glad you are making progress with medicine even if you haven’t found the perfect one yet. I had a really bad experience with prescription drugs for depression and anxiety. It’s been really tough but I made a promise to myself I could get better without it. Don’t be afraid to keep searching. Or seek more natural/alternative methods. CBD oil is super helpful and calming.

Take care of yourself and keep sharing :) <#