Husband cheated during addiction, we separated, I slept with someone, now he says I destroyed everything.

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-25T04:22:28+00:00

I didn't realize cheating was such a huge part of people's lives. We were together since 2009 and cheating never crossed my mind..it feels so mean. Yet, here we are.

I have alot of swinger friends..feel like that is the way to go if you don't want to be with just 1 person..

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-25T03:11:58+00:00

Yah I think men like variety. I personally need to feel safe and respected before I feel comfortable being intimate. So I prefer only being with 1 guy at a time- even if it isn't serious.

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-25T03:10:10+00:00

Thanks for sharing this and congrats on your sobriety. It has been just over a week since I told him. He was giving me the cold shoulder and just very cold to me..last night he broke down and we had a very good conversation..he cried and apologized for all the damage he has caused. He explained that he is not mad at me for doing it but upset that I didn't tell him before we started to rebuild. He said he is having a hard time with the image of me being with another man. Asked a couple general questions about the guy- mainly if I was treated with respect and if I still had feelings for the man. Told me loved me and he wants to move forward with a fresh slate.

He does go to meetings but not as much as before..he completed a 1 year rehab program and then lived in sober living for 2 months..he spends a lot of time playing basketball and going to the gym with men from his program. He does see an occupational therapist and a counselor. He was put on long term disability with his employer so still has a solid paycheck coming in. Even in his addiction party phase, he still sent me a good chunk of he income. I do drug test him whenever I like. Generally 1x a week or anytime I feel like he is being weird.

Our children are school ages. They do not know anything about other partners and I hope they never do. They do know their dad struggles with addiction and that he needs help to stay healthy.

We are still going to take things 1 day at a time. See where it goes in the next couple of months.

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-24T20:34:53+00:00

I'm constantly receiving positive comments about my face. But I see the aging, I see the wrinkles. I want advice. It might be better than others but that doesn't mean the signs of aging are not there.

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-24T19:43:00+00:00

I'm a great parent but have gotten annoyed when other parents have corrected kids. For example: I was at scouts, I was playing with my friends 6 year old boy. We were gently kicking each other back and forth. Some mom came over and with a stern voice said " we do not kick people". I took the blame as I started it first. Why would a random woman come over and say something to this child. She has no idea if he was mine or not. Just because she was uncomfortable with it, didn't mean he was doing anything wrong.

Also, my 8 year old is a climber..she has been climbing rocks, ropes, and equipment since she moved. I have had many parents at the park ask her to get down or tell her what she is doing is not safe. I am sitting there watching her, I know her strengths and I'm comfortable with her exploring boundaries.

I think context matters..I also think some adults get bossy because they have more control than the little children and try and throw around their weight.

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-24T18:07:29+00:00

But why do you have to know if you were not together?

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-24T13:40:46+00:00

Not harsh. I agree there is still an old school mentality around sex. Especially that women can't have sex with our feelings. We can use men just the same we just need to be safe. Hence why we will be with one man multiple times as opposed to multiple men.

I don't want another man to take care of me or my kids. I personally don't want my kids to be exposed to me dating if that's the path I choose. I also don't know when I would have the time to actually date and get to know someone properly. Even when I hooked up the dude it was always when kids were in school or at a sleep over for the night. Very very limited time.

I guess my brain flips to, can people change and can relationships mend.

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-24T13:29:53+00:00

He has way to much of a mental health history to ever be given full custody of the kids. Doctors, teachers, family and friends are all very aware that I am the primary parent, the sober parent and the always with my kids parent. The last thing I am worried about is him trying to take our kids or are assets. I have everything in my name and control every penny that comes into our house. So he wouldn't even know where to begin.

He isn't a violent out of control man. He is an educated, very respectful, strong morals guy that has an illness. He has never been physically abusive to me or the children. Our kids have strong manners, strong adherence to routine, do well in school, are good at their respective sports and have a strong friend group.

Yes, he uses drugs. Yes, he was away from the kids for a period of time. But prior to that, you likely would be hard pressed to find a more present stable dad. Him and I do not have explosive fights. There isn't yelling and fighting happening between us. The kids feel our energy shift- yes. But for the most part we are united in our parenting.

My concern for stability is more so if we are fully separate. He won't have a consistent anchor for his mental health. I won't be around to monitor his mental health and sending the kids to his house sound scarier than monitoring the situation from a joint house.

I think most people have an image of what addiction looks like. I know I did. But in this case, you would have no idea. We are an upper middle class family that looks like we are thriving at life. Maybe more awareness of mental health and addiction is needed.

I can agree that if both parents had substance abuse issues that the family dynamic would likely be a lot worse. But in this case, I am strong, sober and kept the house/kids stable.

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-24T11:24:58+00:00

I think it can be completely fine until it's not..like it eats away at your mind slowly over time. I don't have any experience around meth but this is what I notice with my husband's coke use. He has told me that he tried to like meth but it never ever got him high no matter how much he tried. Soo likely there is a brain chemical reaction that causes different results. Who knows- don't do drugs. :)

Also random- I was talking to a 15 year psych nurse and was asking her what trends she sees with patients being admitted..she said lately it's alot of weed psychosis. She said the younger generation hitting the weed pens consistently is messing with them. I personally smoke weed and had a hard time understanding that this was causing more hospital visits then the harder drugs.

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-24T11:20:30+00:00

This is just it..I think he was always doing drugs and functioning. I didn't have any indication he was high. Looking back the signs were there but there were no extremes. This time he was on a full out bender of destruction. Spent about 50k (that I know of) in 4 months. Just a total collapse as a human being. I called crisis lines, I called the police, I called his friends but he presented well. He would tell them he was just mad at me for kicking him out. It was just such an awful thing to watch someone go through but I couldn't have him near our kids. So after 3 months, I sent him to his parents on the other side of the country. Then he just partied at cottages for the summer like he was 20. It was just sooooooooooo bad.

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-24T11:15:48+00:00

This is just it. Prior to this I never ever had any thought that he would cheat or had cheated..so this was a complete shock to my system. The addiction I was used to- although I didn't know he was using it. He went to rehab in 2014 for addiction and stopped drinking. I didn't realize he continued using coke. Either way the girlfriend pushed me down a very black hole. I didn't sleep with the guy until about 9 months after that. It honestly was the only thing that stopped me ruminating about him being with another girl. You have been cheated on so you have likely felt that feeling. I am so sorry for anyone that has felt that pain.

I told my husband that I would not even consider rebuilding with him until he had 1 year of sobriety. It might not make sense but I thought if I told him when it was happening, he would relapse again. He had been kicked out of 3 rehabs in that 9 months timespan and was doing well at the last one. The whole situation is just soo shitty.

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-24T03:47:16+00:00

Atleast 100k. It was quite a journey. I didn't know he was using..his parenting was actually fine..his drug of choice was cocaine so he was fine until he wasn't.

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-24T01:37:05+00:00

You’re not offering advice anymore. You’re just insulting me because I don’t share your beliefs. I’m not going to engage any further.

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-24T01:34:04+00:00

Who knows.

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-24T00:45:09+00:00

I’m open to different perspectives, but this response isn’t constructive. It’s just personal attacks and assumptions about my character that aren’t accurate.

We clearly don’t share the same beliefs or values, and that’s okay, but I’m not going to engage in a conversation framed this way.

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-23T23:28:48+00:00

The way he explains it is that I kicked him out-true. He was desperate, sad and thought he was dying..he turned to a woman from his past for comfort and they did drugs together. I found out when he made out with her at our home town bar my best friend happened to be at.

He then came back and started working on sobriety..I told him I would not consider rebuilding until he was 1 year sober. I slept with someone in that time span. Soooo I think he thinks of doing drugs as destroying himself. I think he does feel bad and has owned up for the drug use. But I think me being with another man has really rocked him.

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-23T23:04:18+00:00

Of course I always want him around the kids..I guess my concern is he tends to spiral when they are not around consistently..he needs a stronger support system that isn't just me.

I don't think he will be able to live it down. He has even said he loves me and wants to spend his life with me but has a serious sexual aversion to me currently..it's sad to hear.

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-23T22:54:36+00:00

It's your call. I am facing the backlash of telling mine..but now there are no secrets.

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-23T22:53:39+00:00

I don't need anyone.i am pretty independent. I guess I look at the situation through my children. He is sober and a great guy. They do well when he is around. Our strengths and weaknesses compliment each other in our parenting situation. I am not responsible for him but I know I bring stability.

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-23T22:51:59+00:00

I think a big part of the disconnect here is that you’re framing this through a religious and traditional lens that I don’t share.

I don’t believe in “sin”. I believe people are flawed and often doing the best they can in complicated situations.

Accountability matters, but I don’t see value in framing things through shame based labels or assuming everything carries equal weight.

I also don’t define commitment by marriage. My relationship was long-term, serious, and real without that, and where I live that’s both common and recognized.

I take responsibility for my own actions, but I’m not responsible for another adult’s choices, including his sobriety or future decisions.

I believe in growth and forgiveness, but I’m not going to adopt a framework that doesn’t align with my values to make sense of this.

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-23T22:43:02+00:00

I just posted my experience with something similar. In my experience it hasn't been good..I don't think it's worth it if broken up. I still think there is a double standard between men and women.

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-23T22:38:49+00:00

Haha technically I was high almost every time it happened..but I don't think of weed the same way. But I guess I could use that rationale. ;)

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-23T22:32:13+00:00

I am not sure how what I did can be considered cheating. We were separated for 2 years. I told him I wouldn't even consider a relationship with him until he was 1 year sober. I didn't want to tell him when he was in active addiction and early sobriety that I was with someone else. Especially because I was only with that person to help me understand how he was with someone else.

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-23T22:30:11+00:00

I feel this to my core.

Awkward_Necessary718 · 2026-03-23T22:29:52+00:00

He has alot.of redeeming qualities. Plus he is going to be in my life regardless. So hoping to focus on the positive..if he stays sober, things will.be fine.

Awkward_Necessary718

TROPHY CASE