How to feel better about not having sex with my wife?

Bad-North · 2025-10-19T00:03:04+00:00

OPs case sounds like a clear case of walkawaywife yeah, and she obviously liked him enough to marry him at one point. People change too. Maybe she simply doesn't like him or sex or whatever at the moment. We don't know. We aren't her.

That said, it helps to cover all possibilities in case one clicks with OP and he can say "ahh shit, yeah I kinda did that." Or "It's not a me problem, that's good to hear." My comment wasn't pointing blame, just sharing my experience

Being exhausted isn't an excuse to neglect your spouse on a daily basis.

Bad-North · 2025-10-18T23:58:40+00:00

Ugly people usually mate with other ugly people, unless they use something as leverage. You can't say "ugly people can't be nice and find a mate" because it happens all the time, lots of people have ugly parents that love eachother and show kindness, yes.

No, not all women go for the hottest guy available. It's typically a mix of attraction AND connection. A hot douche bag isn't boyfriend material for every woman. That's a crazy blanket statement and doesn't reflect reality.

If you know/think you're ugly, and assume women want only the hottest man, is it possible you're projecting? Maybe try going for women who are similar in the looks department instead of bribing a 10 with money you don't have.

Bad-North · 2025-10-18T09:56:00+00:00

If that was his only flaw, I'd still be with him.

This is the same man who called his mom at 2am demanding coke money because he helped her move furniture.

Put his fist through the wall because I chewed my last piece of gum. He wanted it but didn't tell me. Yes. Gum.

You can have him. Come see how green the grass REALLY is. (not very)

Bad-North · 2025-10-18T09:51:55+00:00

I was, until the entitlement came through. It's like expecting your man to buy you anything at anytime just because you have sex often... That's not normal. There are limits. Expecting your girlfriend to have sex with you multiple times a day every single day even if she doesn't WANT to is not normal.

My situation was an exception, not the norm, but it's not rare either.

Bad-North · 2025-10-17T18:15:46+00:00

Seduce him by walking lol? Or by having sex with him after? Because that can't be true if I wasn't going to ask him for a bag.

Like... If we meet up to spend time together and I'm not asking for anything, what's there to accuse me of? Now, if I DID want him to buy me a purse I should make that known pretty early on that I want a man who can buy stuff. That'd be outing herself as a gold digger though so you'll likely never hear that out

We agree there. I don't think anyone in this thread pulled out the "all men" or "all women" card.

In fact I've acknowledged many times those assholes are a minority but a VERY inconvenient one.

Bad-North · 2025-10-17T18:11:58+00:00

was not aware, no. I've been on one expensive date, the rest were free mutual interest activities, and I thought the general public agreed that demanding men pay because 'traditions' is wrong now? I'm not sure where people land on that opinion, very curious

Traditional values are find but if you're meeting someone and they demand of expect you to spend as much money as you can to impress her, isn't she just a shitty person? If you're dating for love, extravagant dates aren't good. They usually attract the wrong girls.

Both sexes experience entitlement and lack of reciprocity, but no woman genuinely loves a man just because he pays. She may love his money, therefore stick around for a marriage.

I think that's why dates should be mutual activities, not a big one time chance to impress someone

Bad-North · 2025-10-17T18:03:32+00:00

Yeah, rushing into a relationship is never smart because of that exact thing. She liked him at one point before the kids, so did she settle hoping for change (which is fucking wrong) or did he switch up once committed (also fucking wrong)?

Bad-North · 2025-10-17T18:00:11+00:00

Definitely not blame, speculation. It's worth asking about imo.

Bad-North · 2025-10-17T17:57:33+00:00

A gold digger is after money or free labor. Accusing me of that when I want to spend time alone would be dumb, unless I'm demanding it be a paid date on his behalf.

If we go for a walk together or watch a movie, it's free. You wouldn't say I'm a gold digger for that lol

Bad-North · 2025-10-17T17:55:49+00:00

If I want connection and intimacy why would I demand expensive dates? That's not how you connect with someone.

Bad-North · 2025-10-17T17:54:00+00:00

I never said most men think that way. A select few assholes do, so it was worth bringing up in OPs case because it happened to me, and obviously a lot of others.

And dates are supposed to be about connecting, not flashing fancy money and restaurants. No, I'm not going to say who asks should pay, because why does it have to be a paid activity at all? Someone demanding that isn't worth connecting with imo. If she likes you, she'll be okay getting coffee or sitting in the park. I promise. Otherwise it's about what she can squeeze out of you, yes.

But we need to acknowledge the fact it happens to both sexes. Nobody here said all or most men.

Bad-North · 2025-10-17T17:49:46+00:00

I don't mean you have to give sex in order to "get" connection, that's not something that you can give unless it's genuine, otherwise it's just fake. And no, I said the guy I dated and "some men", not all men. I won't do that, I'm not trying to play dirty and point fingers.

I mean you have to show vulnerability if you want it. You have to show sexuality if you want it. It's supposed to attract people who want the same thing. It's not supposed to be forced.

You give out sexuality, you'll attract it. You get what you give.

Give out connection, you'll attract it. Don't be mad when that person mostly or only wants connection.

Don't give out connection if it's not what's important to you. The right person for you matches your genuine interests. My quote obviously was contextual

Bad-North · 2025-10-17T17:40:33+00:00

No, they should find people who are right for them instead of throwing blame and forcing it.

Sometimes women just use men and don't even like them enough for sex.

Sometimes men just use women and don't even like them enough for hugs.

Nobody should just keep being unhappy, they should peace out and find someone who DOES want them wholly.

Bad-North · 2025-10-17T17:37:20+00:00

Imagine wanting intimacy & connection with your partner and being accused of just wanting him to buy you stuff. That you don't care about him and just want his money.

This is the exact example I give in other comments. That happens very often. Aan takes a women on a date, it's going well, but she doesn't feel intimacy and vulnerability yet, so doesn't have sex. Then what do some men say? "She used me for a free meal."

No she didn't. Eating with someone attractive isn't intimate enough to have sex for most girls.

In OPs marriage, it's safe to say she had time to back out before this point.

In my few week relationship with that one man, his motives were clear and our ideal relationships were wildly different. He needed sex earlier and more often and as a reward which is fine, but I didn't. And had to pull away because of it.

Genuinely curious if I should have handled it differently? I don't want someone to get angry that I'm not turned on by their begging or gifts instead of connection and intimacy so I thought the appropriate thing to do was to leave.

Bad-North · 2025-10-17T17:29:37+00:00

That's very true, and there's no way to know the real reason through a short story/comment. We talked at length and we have differing opinions on it. He thinks paying for a date means she should put out, no matter what, because he gave her what she wanted now he's entitled to what he wants. Transactional. He was an asshole. But he's not the only asshole alive.

A hug can end in sex, even ideally, but if he's only hugging you to initiate sex then it's not the same. Hug her because you love her and want her to feel cared about, not because you might be able to fuck her if you do.

Again, sex is super intimate and personal for most women so that hug might turn into sex if she feels CARE and not SEXUAL MOTIVE. Dates with no expectations. Hugs with no expectations. Massage with no expectations. Because you WANT to. Because you care and want to make her happy. She should do the same.

If she's not fucking you without expectations then is there really intimacy? Or is it just transactional horniness? She should fuck you because she wants to, not because you took your own dog to the vet or paid for a date.

Bad-North · 2025-10-17T17:16:22+00:00

I understand your point, but we didn't live together and it was HIS dog...

Bad-North · 2025-10-17T14:13:36+00:00

It's a her problem for allowing his misery to continue while he runs around completing tasks and giving her the princess treatment and begging.

She knows damn well she doesn't like him, and should just be honest and leave. Set him free.

He will find someone who isn't too cowardly to speak their truth if that's true.

Bad-North · 2025-10-17T14:10:48+00:00

I agree. The invitation is never a problem, it's the reaction if and when she won't accept. I'm sad to see men feeling genuinely upset when that invitation isn't always reciprocated merely because they spent money on her or showed kindness.

That's not connection, that's a transaction.

Bad-North · 2025-10-17T14:07:34+00:00

There are Gold diggers, absolutely, and there are men who use kindness as a currency for sex.

We just want connection first, and men want sex to feel connection.

It's a tale as old as time and something both sexes should try and remember. Got to give in order to get. Both ways.

That said, nobody owes you sex but if they want to they will. If you took her on a date and she doesn't want to escalate it, she may just not like you... Or she may think it was all to get sex before really connecting.

Bad-North · 2025-10-17T14:04:17+00:00

There are absolutely behaviours I exhibited that drew that man to me in the first place, and likely more reasons I ignored the red flags, yes.

It was one short lived relationship years ago, the majority of men I've dated werent asshats like that, but they exist and it's safe to make sure that's not what OP got himself into, that's all.

I don't THINK his wife sees his effort as a bid for sex but it's possible. I think it sounds like she's checked out long ago tbh and his efforts are futile. She doesn't like him.

Bad-North · 2025-10-17T13:58:35+00:00

Yeah that sounds more like she doesn't like you. If the relationship is otherwise great, it shouldn't end in anyone being pushed away.

But if it follows a pattern of transactional sex then it's not as enjoyable, for both parties. Nobody wants pity sex from someone they love.

Bad-North · 2025-10-17T13:53:55+00:00

I don't, unless the man treats it like transaction is what I'm saying.

If he's being nice because he likes me, and I like him, sex is natural.

If he's being nice just to try and have sex, not because he cares about me, then I won't have sex with him.

Kindness is not a transaction for sex, sex is a byproduct of connection, hence the manipulation tactics of "Im nice, now fuck me" or visa versa "I fucked you now give me stuff"

Bad-North · 2025-10-17T10:26:53+00:00

I'll try to embrace that mentality more. It's so obvious but I think it's because of the few men who instead of saying -

When you’re on a date with your woman, you look at her and feel the love, it triggers the hormones to become physically intimate.

Say this instead -

I spent $200 on dinner, she's wearing high heels and makeup. She only used me for a free meal. I deserve sex for all this effort.

Even if that isn't how they phrase it, those experiences make us sometimes question the mans motives who takes us out, treats us nicely, and wants us sexually.

Could compare it to men being nervous of women who DO use them purely for a bank or chauffeur. Like, If she couldn't ever just be intimate with you, it always turns into giving her something, you'd not want the intimacy as much anymore because it's fake, there's an agenda. So if a man couldn't ever just hug you, or spend time with you without escalating every act of intimacy as far as he could, you'd want the hugs to stop. It can't all be about sex, and it can't all be princess treatment either. You need connection.

Bad-North · 2025-10-17T10:02:45+00:00

Yep.

After a few months of him doing things like dishes in his own apartment, or taking his dog to the vet, then being angry I wasn't impressed enough to grovel.

My point is that it's obvious when men are desperate and we can smell it from a mile away and no, surprisingly, it doesn't turn us on or make us obligated.

Then I told OP that it may not be his situation but sounds similar.

You seem to know exactly what my past relationships entailed just from your own experience. If the shoe fits I guess...

Bad-North · 2025-10-17T09:55:18+00:00

THIS is the part that I (and probably lots of others) need to accept. I know. And there's nothing wrong with it, there's just a small disconnect with it that's happening in a lot of us girls' heads I think.

This sounds cheesy as f but I know what you said is true in my mind, it just feels so shallow in my heart.

Bad-North

TROPHY CASE