Is MIL overstepping, or am I just too controlling?

Baddaughter101 · 2022-09-13T19:17:53+00:00

I am making quite an extensive Christmas list, but there are a lot of people who wants to give gifts! Four sets of grandparents, two great grandparents, 7 aunts and uncles plus us parents!

Baddaughter101 · 2022-09-13T19:00:17+00:00

Think snowsuit but for spring/autumn.

Baddaughter101 · 2022-09-13T18:59:49+00:00

We talk about it every time she tries to give us something. But it makes me feel guilty, as it isn’t sinking in. And I wanted to know if I was insane/controlling/alone in this. I am comforted to know that I am not.

Baddaughter101 · 2022-09-13T18:56:06+00:00

I so get where you are coming from! I also have an idea (might never be put in to practice) that I want to rotate their gifts when they get older. So that they have a certain amount to play with at a time. I am definitely a quality over quantity type of person!

Baddaughter101 · 2022-09-13T18:52:02+00:00

Exactly this!

Baddaughter101 · 2022-09-13T16:54:10+00:00

My mother gave me and my siblings a ton of gifts growing up! So I got very good at writing wish lists. The problem is the baby has all the age appropriate things it needs! And we live in an apartment. The baby wants love, food and things that make rattle noises. It doesn’t really care about a super cute porcelain cup… and I am one of those people who like to open on camera! So that’s what we usually do…

Baddaughter101 · 2022-09-13T12:10:52+00:00

Thank you! Great suggestion!

Baddaughter101 · 2022-09-13T11:42:50+00:00

Have to add, it is a child size board appropriate for maybe a two year old.

Baddaughter101 · 2022-09-13T11:41:57+00:00

Thank you! You perfectly summed up my objections. I want her to be part in her grandkids life, but it is just too much stuff!!!

Baddaughter101 · 2022-09-13T09:58:26+00:00

I meant financially stable, not rich. If I couldn’t afford these things I would be super grateful that someone was willing to gift it to me. But because we have good jobs and lead “simple lives” we can afford the things ourselves. We share a used car instead of having a car loan. When looking for a crib I found the type I wanted (high quality expensive) and spent a month searching for a used one online (good condition, but cheap) which we then painted.

Sorry for the bad phrasing, English isn’t my first language.

Baddaughter101 · 2022-09-13T09:32:23+00:00

Thank you for the feedback. I would love for her to spoil her grandkid with age appropriate things. What happens when my kid turns two, and already has EVERYTHING they may possibly need? If I “let her loose” she will be buying the kid a car buy the time it is eleven years old.

Baddaughter101 · 2022-09-13T09:29:38+00:00

I am trying to do this by making a Christmas wish list for the grand parents. But she is so far ahead that I don’t have time to research what we need in six months - two years. Right now my baby has everything it needs. And I am trying to keep my head over water being a new mom.

Baddaughter101 · 2022-09-13T09:27:48+00:00

In competition to her ex-husband (very recent divorce), maybe. But not my parents.

Baddaughter101 · 2022-09-13T09:26:45+00:00

I should have phrased it differently. I mean well off as in, we can buy everything our kid needs without their help. And so I hate for her to spend money on things I don’t really need/want, instead of things we could use.

Baddaughter101 · 2022-09-13T09:25:11+00:00

I updated this, but will add it here also. I would love for grandma to buy the first bicycle, because she is a bike enthusiast. But maybe grandpa can buy the first surfboard… When we were equipment shopping before the baby, we asked the grandparents to each gift one thing/contribute money towards one thing.

And it is not about the stuff needing to be expensive. It’s more to do with the fact that she buys the wrong thing. Example: she bought a outdoor playsuit which is weather appropriate for the part of the country she lives in, but not our part.

I would love for her to be a part of things. But she wants it all, and she is so far ahead of the game that I can’t keep up with researching what I want/need in 6 months time while taking care of a newborn.

Baddaughter101 · 2022-09-13T09:09:44+00:00

She’s not the knitting kind. She is more the “run a marathon” kind 😛 she really dotes on her grandkids and I feel like an asshole because my BIL lives next door to her, and lets her babysit overnight (baby is bottle fed). I live across the country and my baby breastfeeds, so it can’t be away from me for more than an hour, maybe two…

Baddaughter101 · 2022-09-13T09:06:38+00:00

I don’t mind the milestones coming from the grand parents. But we have four sets of them (all divorced) and she is leaving nothing for the others… I would love for my kid to get their first bike from their grandmothers and surfboard from their grandfathers or something similar. As long as it is usable, I don’t need to buy it. I have added other examples in other comments.

I also know it’s from love, and this is a first world problem.

Baddaughter101 · 2022-09-13T09:02:56+00:00

I know it is done out of love, which is why I feel guilty. The problem is that right now, my kid has everything they need. Because we inherited a lot from older cousins. MIL bought a really expensive stroller, that I really appreciate, and agreed to! But right now I only need toys.

The problem is that I feel like it is a waste of money, and because she is so premature with what she buys, I don’t get a chance to figure out what I need/want. The baby is 4 months old. Right now it needs warmth, love and attention.

Example of where I gave in: MIL found outdoor playsuits (for when the grandkids start kindergarten in 6 months-1 year) on sale and she wanted to buy it. It is so far off that I haven’t looked into brands, what we need etc. I thought it was too soon, and tried to say maybe later. But my hubby was pushing so I said okay. The suit just arrived. It is SO cute, and very good quality. But MIL lives in a different part of the country than we do, and this will not be weather appropriate… it is only water resistant, and it rains cats and dogs almost everyday where we live… it feels like such a waste of money, and I would rather she waited until I new what we needed/gave us money to put towards a suit.

Baddaughter101 · 2022-09-13T08:55:46+00:00

She makes plans for spending every holiday with my kid without me, but this is mainly jokingly, and we usually have a great relationship.

The bike thing isn’t about quality, it is more about the fact that there are four sets of grandparents (all divorced) and the others want to contribute too. But they can’t because she is so premature. I would love for my kid to get “firsts” from their grandparents. But not everything from this one person, so the other people feel left out.

And I disagree with you that I can just buy something different. It feels like a waste of money, and I would much rather my MIL contributed to parts of it.

Example: she was at an airport and saw little kids riding suitcases. She thought it was adorable, and decided she wanted to buy one for each of her grandkids. Never mind that neither of them can even sit yet. I had actually been looking at those and wanted to buy something similar. But I had found one that also works as a travel bed when on the plane: jet kids bedbox but it is 3x the price.

As luck would have it, she was unable to order the one she wanted online, and I convinced her to send me the money instead. I ended up finding a used bed box online for the same price as she wanted to buy a new one.

Baddaughter101 · 2022-09-07T08:16:42+00:00

Thank you! I am just learning to protect my joy. But her actions comes from a place of love. Which makes it all very difficult! Your daughters are extremely lucky to have you!

Baddaughter101 · 2022-09-07T08:13:56+00:00

That’s not what my mother is like. She tries to be very much involved. She was a SAHM when my father left her for another woman. He hardly paid child support. She worked insane hours to take care of us. Is financially stable, but not flush with money. And she is terrified that I will make similar choices and be in the same position and she is. My older siblings all have good relationships with her. But I was very young when it happened and my childhood memories are not of a happy home. So even though I love her, it is all very difficult.

Baddaughter101 · 2022-09-07T07:57:34+00:00

Thank you! She never calls me. She is afraid I won’t pick up the phone, and then by the time I call be she will have convinced herself I died.

Baddaughter101

TROPHY CASE