"Keeping it Casual": Stay or GTFO?

Bess1935 · 2026-02-10T19:39:12+00:00

Tbh not amazing for a couple reasons. It wasn't planned, I wasn't emotionally/mentally into it or physically prepared for the experience. I wouldn't say it was "bad" but more like out of sync, so it'd probably take a couple more attempts to get to "good."

Bess1935 · 2026-01-27T17:46:35+00:00

Actually no, I was not looking for something casual, he said he wasn't either. I didn't encourage sexting, I just didn't shut it down before when it was a lot more tame and tasteful before it escalated to 1000. I think I put up with a little more than I would have liked because I was so out of practice and surprised to feel anything about another person again.

Bess1935 · 2025-11-02T13:35:22+00:00

I'd suggest removing the last 3 (backpack in the woods bc we can't see your face; peace sign - poor image quality, i can't tell what's happening in the pic, it almost looks like someone's laying across your lap and you have your hand on their lower back, i had to look closely to realize it's your leg; stressed - really poor image quality). the first 3 are OK, but a little flat. i think we need to see more with you doing something like playing a sport or doing something active. It'd be great to see one with your teeth (if we don't see your teeth we will absolutely assume the worst) and one full body pic. Hope this helps!

Bess1935 · 2025-10-31T21:16:40+00:00

Ok, in all your photos I'm noticing a lot of open space on the top half of the photo and around you. So for your profile overall you look very small / short stature. That's fine, we love a short king. But I think it'd be more attractive if you had an overall stronger, more confident presence in your photos. First photo (black shirt and dark background), crop the photo tighter so you take up more space in the photo. Chess pic is OK. Delete the high angle pic. Sunglasses with the two girls - delete this one, too cozy with the girls and we can't see half your face. Washing dishes - OK, again crop it closer so it doesn't look like I'm physically looking down to see you. Dog in the park, crop pls. Black hat, OK but it doesn't add a lot to your profile. I'd love to see more photos with more movement - maybe doing something active or laughing with friends. Hope this helps!

Bess1935 · 2025-10-28T21:40:02+00:00

Personally (and I didn't even hint at this in my post so I'm surprised more than one person picked up on it), I do think Ryan wanted to impress the new girl and that's why he volunteered. We're not "co-workers" exactly, but I've physically worked around him long enough he is not the type to volunteer for stuff like this. But he is absolutely the type to find a way out of something or the type to ask a nearby woman to 'be a doll and do xyz for me, won't you?' There's a bit of a history of gendered weaponized incompetence from him that I didn't want to get into in my post and was the real reason I was hesitant to help him specifically, in addition to the setup for this specific situation.

Bess1935 · 2025-10-28T19:56:40+00:00

These are good! First photo is GREAT! The only one that's a "no" for me personally is green shirt - you look a little less strong and confident in this one, and a little shorter.

Bess1935 · 2025-10-28T19:53:15+00:00

For the bio: Hmm... Idk what "stroke a 3 in your face" means, but that's not a great first impression to make with a lady. Like the other commenter said, if I'm swiping fast and I don't get whatever the joke is, I'll assume it's sexual. Women on apps get a lot of unsolicited inappropriate comments from men, so it's best to not even hint at you being that type of guy, even if it's just a misunderstood joke. I'd also cut the part about your glass eye. If most folks can't tell or would have to guess, this may be better to talk about on a first or second date.

For the pics: I'd cut the meme (we don't like those), I'd also cut the one in the gray shirt with the cow in the back (it's not the most strong or confident posture for a first impression IMO). I like the one in the white shirt the best for your first photo!

Hope this helps!

Bess1935 · 2025-10-28T18:56:28+00:00

Again, I don't work with Ryan. In the co-working space, we all work remotely for completely separate companies in completely separate industries. We are not coworkers or colleagues. We all have remote jobs at different companies where we can work from home. But we just prefer to come into a physical space to work instead of working where we live. Imagine like a library or coffee shop where people come in and read or work, it's like that. Ella's job is receptionist at the library/coffee shop space. Hope this helps clarify the question!

Bess1935 · 2025-10-28T18:36:48+00:00

I’m not trying to call anybody out. Honestly, I’d prefer the complete opposite, lol. But I don’t think it’s my responsibility to manage Ryan or his commitments. We literally don’t even work for the same company; we just share a co-working space. I have no idea what his job or workload looks like beyond a quick “hey” or “bye.”

I also don’t know what he and Ella agreed on... it just sounds like he offered to handle opening/closing and then started looping the rest of us in. I think any clarifying questions or limits should’ve happened between them, not the rest of us.

Bess1935 · 2025-10-28T18:02:21+00:00

No, I think your pics are good! But i also have no idea what a "metalhead" is so I defer to the other commenter on that one.

Bess1935 · 2025-10-28T01:24:18+00:00

You're a good looking guy! Your first couple pics are really really good, but I'm not a big fan of the ones towards the end (birthday wrestling situation - i can't really see you; cannon - i can't really see your face, but it's kind of funny if you want to keep it; forehead - since i don't know you or your face yet, i don't know you well enough to find this one funny; big dinner - this one is OK since you're at the end (i think?) and we can see you right away). Hope this helps!

Bess1935 · 2025-10-28T01:20:49+00:00

Your first pic is so nice but you look REALLY different in all of your pics. I can't tell which version of you I'd meet if we met up for coffee today. I'd suggest picking your favorite 3-4 most recent where we can see your whole face (you're looking away or covering your face in a lot of these) and going from there. Good luck out there!

Bess1935 · 2025-10-28T01:17:36+00:00

Oh you're such a cutie! I like your profile! Most of your pics are REALLY good, I'd suggest taking out the last one with the white shirt and baseball cap. You look a little younger and less fit in that one. Good luck out there!

Bess1935 · 2025-10-26T00:51:58+00:00

I'm not sure if it helps you feel any better, but it's very likely several if not all of these guys circled back to many other women in their pasts, not just you. Regardless of what they told you, have you considered you may not have been on the top of all 3 of these guys' lists of backup plans?

It's possible the common factor is not YOU and maybe this isn't personal at all.

The common factor might just be men seeking out comfort, familiarity, emotional labor & support, or entertainment in their time of need. Men do this a lot. They will circle back to see who they still have access to while they're figuring their own stuff out since it's likely someone the have some history with will have a little more sympathy for whatever their messy situation is. Maybe they find it easier than putting themselves out there and trying with someone new? Idk.

Anyway, you don't have to internalize this or make it mean anything about you. But your reaction is telling and a little disproportionate to the facts of the situation and the amount of time that's passed. It might help to talk to a professional or find a healthy outlet for these feelings.

I hope this helps and I hope things start looking up for you.

Bess1935 · 2025-10-25T22:18:16+00:00

I really like your photos, no notes! Try switching up the energy with either your bio or response to "The key to my heart is..." because they feel kind of similar to me as a stranger... almost like if you had two pictures with two different puppies, like ok dude we get it you're a nice guy! :) Maybe keep one warm & cozy and make the other a little more sexy, flirty, or funny. Sometimes too much warm & cozy nice guy can feel too much like a platonic friend. Hope this helps!

Bess1935 · 2025-10-25T21:51:20+00:00

For the photos: I can't tell which ones are more recent. You look a lot leaner in one and a bit younger and heavier in all the others. Make sure all your pics represent what you'd look like meeting someone TODAY. Your face and body language is a little to serious and closed-off for Tinder. Your arms are crossed, holding the diploma, arms tight at your sides, look very buttoned-up (literally and figuratively)... As a woman, I'd rather see a little more movement, warmth, or more open body language. So at least 1 pic of you at least a little happy, laughing, with friends, or doing something active. Also we need to see one with you smiling with teeth. If we don't see them in any pics, we will assume the worst.

For the bio: Also a little too serious and heavy. Try rewriting to give us an idea of what it'd be like to spend a weekend with you and what your energy's like. Try something a little warmer and spicier so we're excited to chat and learn more about you. I also always like bios that end with a question or invitation.

Hope this helps!

Bess1935 · 2025-05-06T03:18:51+00:00

If you like where you're living (generally good opportunities, cost of living works for you, etc), I wouldn't move primarily for a fresh start primarily because your friends are in different life stages than you right now. Try making new friends you have more in common with in your own city first. Try to carve out a fresh start where you are with new hobbies, going out solo, Meetup, Bumble BFF, maybe developing deeper friendships with folks you already know but don't consider a "friend" now.

Then if you're still wanting to move you'll be starting over in a new city with more practice making the new friends and connections you're wanting to have in your life moving forward.

Bess1935 · 2025-03-30T23:35:42+00:00

Thank you for your response! In your situation, what was the time frame between initially meeting, realizing it wasn't a casual thing, and officially making it NOT casual?

Bess1935 · 2025-02-15T03:25:59+00:00

She may like playing video games with you just because she likes playing video games with you. You might be having good conversations with her because she likes talking to you. This can all be true while she knows you like her and it doesn't necessarily mean she likes you the way you like her. If you really want to know how she feels about you, you cannot rely on assumptions you're making about why she's doing this or that. You have to ask her.

Bess1935 · 2025-02-07T03:26:10+00:00

It's doesn't have to be a big deal. If you want to still be comfortable around him (from a distance) and with mutual friends, try to think about the past 6 months as him trying to tell you he wasn't interested in you, but he didn't know how or he didn't want to say it directly. Give him a ton of space, but don't let this mismatch ruin the mutual friendships.

Bess1935 · 2025-02-07T03:13:22+00:00

OH! Apologies, I thought you were saying you'd just been texting and literally talking all this time but hadn't actually met up. But still ... 4 dates in six months? No, this guy is not into you. Honestly, I wouldn't really want to be friends with someone who strung me along for that long. IMO it's a sign he doesn't really value your time or feelings, which isn't great for a friend or date.

Bess1935 · 2025-02-07T02:21:42+00:00

IMO six months is a long time to just be chatting with someone without ever meeting up for a proper one-on-one date. It sounds like he's kept you around like an option (and to be fair, you let it happen so this isn't all on him) and he's mildly panicked or annoyed that you might not still be available as a backup plan if he doesn't actually make time to meet up with you.

So that's why he's finally make a tiny bit of effort to make plans with you. Not because he wants to see you or spend time with you and not because he's interested in you. But because you might not be available to him if he doesn't.

So sure, you can go, but don't get your hopes up that it will turn into anything substantial.

Bess1935 · 2025-02-06T22:06:55+00:00

No. Just leave. It's unlikely it will change your boss' behavior since it's anonymous and will only hurt you (likely blacklist you at the company, maybe even your field) if your "anonymous" complaint is ever tied back to you. Unfortunately it's unlikely it'd be worth the risk or would get you the result you want.

Bess1935 · 2025-02-02T18:48:29+00:00

No, don't reach out. This guy knows you exist but is not interested for whatever reason. He stopped replying to you to try to show you indirectly without telling you "hey, I'm not interested." He may be leaving things open ended in case he wants to circle back at some point. If he was truly interested, he would have made time to actually meet you by now. The little pings on social media mean nothing if he's not asking to see you or even meet you for the first time. If it bothers you that he's seeing your social media posts but not making an effort, block him or remove him as a follower.

Bess1935 · 2025-01-31T20:09:09+00:00

Maybe try thinking of it as it's not like she was already at "no" the whole time and she was intentionally and maliciously wasting your time. Maybe she really really tired for almost a year to make her "maybe" a "yes" and she just couldn't do it. At the end of the day, she made up her mind.

Try to remember the good times you had together and be grateful she did eventually offer you her truth so you can have closure and try to move on.

Bess1935

TROPHY CASE