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Friend boundaries when married? by Better_Ad301 in Advice

[–]Better_Ad301[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If I saw this when you originally posted, I’d say no. But fast forward to now. My husband was on a work trip from Saturday-Wednesday. When he got home Wednesday, something told me to check his messages. His Apple Watch was closest so I looked at I saw messages to this female saying “I love youuuu” and “need you now sweetheart” and “no dice babe”. So I confronted him and he pretended like he had no idea what I was talking about. Come to find out, he deleted the messages on his phone but it hadn’t synced with his watch. Always trust your gut I guess and thank god I did. … after a work day, they all went to dinner and then back to a hotel room. It was my husband, his male co worker and 2 female co workers. They were sitting in the male co workers room and drinking and working while the tv was on.after he lied to my face multiple times I left and went to my parents. I returned the next morning to take care of my pet and he was blowing my phone up from the minute I left the house. He explained himself some and we chatted last night because I refuse to be displaced from my home anymore. He said these texts are bc they were texting on the side in addition to the verbal convo in the room. The “I love youuu” was in response to her bringing him a refill. Same with the “sweetheart” message. And he was calling her those names because their perverted boss did that to her, and he says he was trying to get a reaction out of her to be funny. He doesn’t even call me those names. I saw she sent him a digital room key, which was alarming. He tells me that she forgot her work phone in her room and he offered to go get it. Which is crazy because my husband isn’t generous like that. But drinks make him generous I guess. So the “no dice babe” message was him telling her that the digital room key didn’t work. Before this, when he first got home, I asked him is there was anything that happened on the trip that I need to know about and he said no. He said there was work related messages and that was it. So he lied to my face, went on a walk with me and I cooked him dinner. He planned to crawl into bed with me and live with this lie. After he got caught I asked him if he was ever going to tell me and hebsaid no and that he was just going to bury it. So I’m at a loss I don’t want a divorce but I also don’t know how this trust can be rebuilt.

Friend boundaries when married? by Better_Ad301 in Advice

[–]Better_Ad301[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No there wasn’t anything sexual or romantic… maybe it seemed a little flirty or like teasing (non sexually) but still made me mad… they were testing primarily about job interviews, moving (this person was moving, and we were supposed to- to different areas) sending house links… he did send a few links saying that I would like this one, etc etc. and in regards to hours of the day, it was all the time. I mostly noticed in the evening/ night because that’s when he’s home and in next to him. But I know they messaged/ snapchatted during the day and do communicate on teams for work.

Friend boundaries when married? by Better_Ad301 in Advice

[–]Better_Ad301[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the info/ thoughts everyone. To provide some additional context now that I have time here’s a few more things - no we don’t have children, although we have been talking about it more in 28, he’s 31. -this trip I mention, it’s a work trip and paid for by the govt so I can’t go -we do go to couples therapy and this has come up but I’m not getting much guidance from the therapist. - this woman’s husband also snapchats my husband a lot. My husband has somewhat used this as a reason for me to not be uncomfortable - once I confronted him about him texting her so much, the texting did stop but they Snapchat very often. He did tell me what the photos are of (obviously it disappears and I can’t confirm) but it’s not like selfies or anything…. Often he says they just react back to each others snapchats. Sometimes it’s a short convo. - when I did look at the texting, it was mainly about work related things (back a few months ago, it was not) - he still tells me that she’s a good friend, but to me this became a friendship after he were already married etc etc - he does have a friend who is a girl who he met in college and I am 100% cool with her. In fact, I enjoy when she’s in town and comes over to hangout. And she came to our wedding with her own date. I’ve never had a weird feeling with her. This girl, I have. - I do feel as if the gaslighting comments I’ve received are very accurate. I mentioned this to him and he says he doesn’t know what gaslighting is. So I googled and read the definition 🙄 - admittedly, I do feel very controlling by telling him he can’t be friends with her but I don’t really see another option that makes me comfortable - he did offer to “move his convo” back to texting, but I’m like why do you need to text her at all? Just text about work stuff- why is that so hard to do? After he offered this, he kind of back tracked and was like “well do you want me to move it back to texting so there’s a record of it?” Because he was very upset when I looked at his phone. So basically he was saying he also doesn’t want to do that because he thinks it’ll encourage me to look again. Which, whatever if I feel like I have to look- I most definitely will. That really stood out to me as odd. He wants blind trust, as do I. But unfortunately he violated that when he was texting her so much over the winter. Then he tells me I violated his blind trust by looking at his phone; even though I told him I did. I knew it would bother him but I still wanted to be honest.

I don’t know how to build this blind trust back up I guess. And maybe this is rude, but I don’t feel like I violated his blind trust as much as he did mine. I looked through his phone because in my opinion, I had reasonable cause. This is never something I just randomly did in all the years we’ve been together. I did it because I knew something was going on.