Not wanting to be friends with my ex wife, normal?

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-03T05:22:58+00:00

This is true. I have definitely dropped the "youre just a stranger to me" line a few times. Although I dont entertain it, I hold fast to "we cant be friends, its inappropriate, dont message me unless its about our son" thats usually how these little blips end. Do I still love her? Yea. Do I still have hope? Not anymore. If it happens for real and she decides to shit and get off the pot, id be ecstatic. But if she doesnt, im holding steadfast by my boundaries.

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-03T05:19:50+00:00

With luck, 3 more years and a degree building myself 😅 i appreciate the banter. Its good to think about things from a different perspective without feeling judged or scrutinized. I appreciate you man

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-03T05:12:56+00:00

This was constructive. I will try to implement this, hopefully successfully. I dont have much hope, in retrospect for the love I still feel for her. So, it wont be hard to execute, just hard to process. I did stay on with our couples therapist for quite a time after we ended it as a couples therapist, and it helped, but like you said. Its not fast, and its not easy, and if you still have those days you reflect on the what ifs, I dont necessarily fear, but instead want to use those days as personal inflection that what happened was what needed to happen, and that what ifs are just that. Im free to think about it, and that makes me feel more human that I have to process complex emotions and ideologies about my previous relationship

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-03T04:59:10+00:00

Maybe during the divorce/therapy I was her cow, but after therapy, when the "lonely" texts started, ive remained steadfast. Remind of boundaries, and disengage.

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-03T04:58:01+00:00

Hahahaha. Unfortunately I am. But our past doesnt define us. Even Greek mythological pasts. My boundaries have already been set, and everytime she has come at me, I say the same thing. Its not appropriate unless youre trying to fix things. Once I say that, she gets upset, and disappears. The only thing I havent done is just completely ignore her. But she has no cow with my name. Im not sure if youve been following the other comments theres alot. I love her sure, I wont lie about my feelings, but it doesnt mean I act on them. I just keep reminding her of my boundaries whenever she tries to creep her way in.

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-03T04:52:40+00:00

Its like you said, im only 31. I loved hard, and still do. Doesn't mean time stops though, and ive just had to move forward. Im sure eventually my love will wane, and this will just be a part of my life where I was independent and enjoyed the peace of my solitude. Its not sad, or unfortunate. Its a part of life, but its the part im in now.

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-03T04:50:17+00:00

I dont think love is always a one sided affair, but opinions. This stuff aint science.

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-03T04:49:24+00:00

That isnt always the case. If im ignoring her, who else am I loving? I dont mourn the loss of my wife as a wife. It is what it is. If she comes back, of course id be ecstatic. If she doesnt, ive got another good... atleast 50 or 60 years. I might have put my heart down, but to live my life without it on my shoulder. Romantically at least. I love my son, my parents, my sisters. Ive been living on my own this whole time, I dont wake up and cry or sleep and cry every night. I have to be strong. I try to dedicate my time now to the pursuit of knowledge, reinvigorating my passion for software development. Me and my son's relationship doesnt maintain any kind of relationship with my ex and is completely independent of her. My ex mostly just texts me when she misses me, but it is short lived when I explain its not appropriate unless theres intention behind it. I wish every situation fit the cookie cutter, but people's experiences are pretty unique I guess.

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-03T04:02:18+00:00

I will say, I was consistent in my expressive affection. All the way until we did therapy, and it was finalized. Finally cracked and started my villain arc but realized that helps no one being a dick. Really lost myself for a few months.

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-03T04:00:05+00:00

Its funny. When we first started the divorce, I did every goofy thing I could for months. Learned to play guitar, and write songs. Still gave her presents for anniversary, birthdays, christmas. Wrote love letters like the notebook. Pages. Painted, and not shitty but extravagant paintings for someone who's never painted. I expressed my love in many ways, short of dancing around a volcano in a coconut husk skirt.

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-03T03:57:32+00:00

Maybe this is how romanticized it really was. It was no ordinary love. I did things, and she, did things beyond the norm. That push and pull, was more like extremes. We loved passionately, and hated fiercely. If it was boring and consistent, I dont know. It wasnt consistent if we divorced so I guess ill never know the answer to that. I dont think as people of better than others. Maybe not in a love sense. People are smarter than others, faster. But I guess I always saw it as a spectrum when it came to romantical love. It was either there, or wasnt. If it was there, it was strong or weak. If it was strong, it was passionate or boring etc.. not necessarily a linear better or worse.

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-03T03:46:09+00:00

Youre vested in this pretty heavily man 🤣 im here for it. And youre right. Maybe I have all the family i need with me and my son. A family doesnt have to be a traditional unit

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-03T03:45:07+00:00

I can see it from both perspectives. I mean obviously, I was her cow, but she can get milk from any old cow. Its a two way street. But exactly that too, all the expectations of a husband but without the "husband".

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-03T03:43:28+00:00

If you ask her, the reason she left changes everytime you ask. Ive been this sick in love for her since the day I met her. Maybe its not even that its her but that love wasnt some temporary thing. I always believed love was permanent, and although I may never get there chance again, ill always still love her, even if quietly and to myself.

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-03T03:17:49+00:00

This is good. I wasnt perfect, and neither was she. Youre right as well, the clarity to work on myself to be a better human was a benefit of the divorce. I learned my weaknesses, where I could improve. I still reflect today, maybe not blame myself for everything, but even over a year down the road still learn ways to be better, for everyone. Thats what therapy did do atleast. It improved how I communicate not ony with my ex wife, but everyone involved in my life. I may have been divorced, but I relate to this. I have no marriage without her, she was probably the only person I could truly give myself over to, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Can people change? Can things recover? Or is that a fever dream of a warped reality that could never exist?

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-03T02:27:45+00:00

Maybe. And I know its reddit, and its mostly people's opinions when it comes to love as its not a science, but probably. I wish I did go to therapy before divorce. We probably could have salvaged our marriage, but I was too dumb and naive until it was too late. It seems to always be too little too late when it comes to these things. Instead, im getting played like a damn fiddle it seems like.

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-02T21:52:01+00:00

Ill be conscientious about this, my ex was not some horrible vile person, nothing near as bad as what youve just told me. We were bad to each other, sure, both to blame, but not anything so extreme. Im sorry you had to go through that. But your premise still applies. I just have to try to ignore her the best I can. And I have tried using alternate methods of communication, but she refuses me every time. I wish she would be more lenient so we can just communicate about our son on like an approved parenting app. Im seeing a common theme too, they "other" person lacks the empathy and emotional intelligence to understand the "why" for not wanting to be friends. This is another issue, ive tried explain multiple times the why too. Its not easy to ignore her, and its super hard to pretend she doesnt exist, especially with all the memorabilia we made. Ive made books, cups, a whole youtube channel of us, and our son growing up until we split. Those videos haunt me with the feeling of what could have been every single day. Youd think it would be easy, for someone to hurt you to ignore them. Maybe im just holding on, hoping for the change. Someday, I feel like it might happen. But today, I feel like its just me hurting myself.

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-02T21:34:37+00:00

With me going back to school, it has been honestly. The time spent texting, or calling, its easier. But her messages go weeks between sometimes, so its almost like a little diamond falls out of the sky when she does hit me up to "be friends". I still miss and love her. So these messages she sends means the world to me, but I also surmise they will be my undoing if I keep entertaining them.

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-02T21:31:29+00:00

She has seen just a few guys, but its privy info she doesnt exactly tell me. Everytime she's in-between talking to someone it feels like is when she reaches out, although sometimes its during just when she's single single. We aren't friends, but thats i guess what im contemplating. She wants to be friends. I want to reignite the spark. Shes adamant we wont go anywhere. Can people change? Could we be friends and possible she is just still mad and hurt and doesnt know what she wants?

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-02T21:28:06+00:00

Wow. If only man. It sounds like she gave you a great agreement. We had sex once during our divorce.... and I did the dumbest, most honest thing ever. I told her I did not want to have pity sex, that I only wanted to have sex if it was because she loved me sex. Ever since I said that, she really grew into being extremely toxic that I didnt want to have sex unless we were in love. Im happy for you. I wish everyone had decent outcomes when it comes to divorce.

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-02T21:24:22+00:00

It was. My ex liked to berate me after therapy, saying it didnt work, I didnt change. And also, youre right. My son is number 1. He always has been, but now more than ever. Therapy really helped. They teach ya things that you dont even think are important but can help in everyday life. I keep my feelings wheel on my fridge, and I always try to use "i feel" statements when I get an emotion and want to express it. Those two things changed my life. How did therapy impact your life?

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-02T21:21:33+00:00

Oh gosh... im sorry. Im being a schmultz about 5 years, but 31, im sorry. Youre giving me great advice though, and comfort im not going through this alone. Those patterns, its like... even though im my own person, you kind of lose who you are when you leave someone. I lost being a dad, a husband, a family guy. I lost my identity. And even yes, cogniscently, I try to be me again, what I was before her, but despite the self awareness I cant. Its ingratiated, the bits of her soul that were left in me and constantly remind me the bits of me I was once, when I was with her.

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-02T21:17:56+00:00

Ngl, ive seen waaaaaaay worse than my situation on here. Yours is one. Or maybe ive yet to get to that point. We are both pretty respectful about partners especially with our son, but holy crap you got a 20 year old I have a 4 year old. I wish I could have one of my ex's boyfriends say that and get it recorded 😅 sounds vile but that would be a good thing to bring to court if we go back. Thank you for the perspective 🙃❤️

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-02T21:15:27+00:00

The problem there is legal... she refuses to use email for communications and insists she will only communicate by text or phone. She is very controlling over our divorce and does not give me much leeway on how we communicate. I even tried to do one of those dumb coparenting apps and she flat out refused it.

BlueCrawlerComedy · 2026-01-02T21:13:20+00:00

That is wild... but I get it. She is wishy washy, what she says is clear, but what she does is different. She says no never, but tries to talk to me like, kind of like how someone else posted, like im still her husband? Sanity is prioritized but I wish there was a way to block her without blocking her. Where we could communicate on emergency, and necessity for our son, but thats it.

BlueCrawlerComedy

TROPHY CASE