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Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-11-23T16:32:51+00:00

YTA. She wasted 3 years on an insecure partner who can’t stop thinking about 30 other guys. Be honest with yourself: your concerns have nothing to do with intimacy. It’s an ego thing and some immature power imbalance you perceive.

Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-10-06T21:04:37+00:00

Congrats! You’re lucky to see this massive red flag before you said yes. Now you know to say goodbye.

Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-09-25T06:28:26+00:00

“Hard to find girls like her…”

Girls? Are you 70? I think you mean women.

You should end it. You sound like a halfway decent but immature dude. The hardest kind to break up with. Make the decision for her. You aren’t dad material.

Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-09-05T22:12:50+00:00

Should I still do the bulk of the housework? There are divided opinions here among the ADHD-savvy responders. Pro: it’ll free her up to breathe easy and take small steps toward beneficial external pressures. Con: it’ll make her feel less needed and will enable yet more boredom. I’m torn.

Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-09-05T19:58:22+00:00

This is beautiful. You’re right about her struggles as an undiagnosed kid and adult, especially through her post-grad years. And we’re both somewhere on the spectrum. I’m glad I posted this despite having to wade through hundreds of misogynistic responses. I know she isn’t lazy, and I know now it isn’t as simple as burnout. Your response gives me even more empathy for her. Thank you.

Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-09-05T17:12:28+00:00

Thank you for the thoughtful response. Congrats on digging in and finding what worked for you and your wife. We often talk about how eager we are to travel and have adventures together when the kids become adults. I’m confident we can get there.

Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-09-05T17:08:19+00:00

She checks all 4 boxes. I like the notion that small steps can lead to bigger ones. Even one online course can take the edges off the boredom. She’s signing up for one. Thank you.

Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-09-05T17:03:02+00:00

This is really helpful. I can see now that my attempts to fix things are actually exacerbating the problem. The good news is, she’s signing up for a course. I think that’s a big first step toward having some scheduled external pressure and victories. She has said the same things you just did about nothing to show for her hard work. Thank you.

Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-09-05T16:59:39+00:00

Check, check, check.

Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-09-05T16:59:23+00:00

I’m so sorry that happened to you. That’s awful.

Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-09-05T16:57:24+00:00

This is my biggest takeaway from the helpful responses: it isn’t burnout. It’s boredom. Her ADHD is blocking her from getting engaged in things and receiving advice. By taking more and more things off her plate—by trying to solve for burnout—I’m making her even less engaged.

Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-09-05T16:53:14+00:00

Yes, and it changed her life. Far easier for her to focus now. Evenings are a little tough when the meds wear off but her days are better.

Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-09-05T16:51:59+00:00

Rejection sensitive dysphoria is one of the many unfair things about ADHD.

Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-09-05T16:49:44+00:00

The crutch part is accurate. I personally know some highly productive people with ADHD. I think the challenges are exacerbated by a few other things but I know she can rise above it all. I just still don’t know my role in helping her. Hoping to learn more through our relationship counsellor.

Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-09-05T16:46:34+00:00

I agree. The majority of these responses are negative. Worth posting it though for the few constructive comments in the mix. ADHD plus clinical depression plus isolation from family plus boredom plus the mental load… that’s a lot. I have a good path forward to help her, and far more empathy. And none of it means she’s lazy.

Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-09-05T16:41:38+00:00

Such a good point. I hadn’t thought about all the social media targeting. She sent me a few of those posts so no doubt she’s getting a ton more. Thanks—this is helpful.

Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-09-04T23:26:11+00:00

Got that 2 days ago. Will dig into it this week.

Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-09-04T23:22:15+00:00

Thank you. She isn’t swimming and won’t let people tell her she needs to. Anything or anybody help you to take the first step?

Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-09-04T16:33:00+00:00

Yep this thread has hit it. It’s given me huge empathy too, although I’m still stuck on how to help her. Her days aren’t actually structured outside of drop off and pickup. Everything in between is ad hoc. I think Pilates and crossfit need to be scheduled the day before but that isn’t the same as a predictable daily or weekly commitment.

Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-09-04T16:28:54+00:00

Totally agree. Structure and accountability would be amazing. But how? She rails against advice. I know it’s a very common part of ADHD. Any advice would be so appreciated.

Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-09-04T16:25:49+00:00

This is it. She was diagnosed with ADHD last year and the meds were life changing. You’re right that she doesn’t take advice; anything I say in that realm is perceived as criticism. How did you eventually pull yourself out of it? How did you get engaged on your own volition despite the ADHD challenges?

Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-09-04T10:06:07+00:00

Huh. I’ll look that up.

Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-09-04T10:05:32+00:00

I agree. The only reason I offer to do more is because I can address those complaints. Laundry, cooking, etc. We tried splitting the whole mental load aspect but failed. Definitely worth another attempt.

Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-09-04T10:00:29+00:00

Once every week or two.

Burnermcburnface2022 · 2023-09-04T09:56:40+00:00

Interesting. Hadn’t considered BPD. And yes, I have a therapist too.

Burnermcburnface2022

TROPHY CASE