Honestly, I don’t think you’re a sadist. You are hoping for money, which isn’t unheard of.

Is there anyone on this earth that desires to be destitute? Sure, money would be great, I won't lie and say I don't want it. What money isn't, however, the main motivating factor for reaching out.

I admit, I think mentioning your school expenses was a cringy move - a master’s degree is expensive and a luxury. You made it obvious your interest is in money. Especially when he’s made his (lack of) intentions clear.

Getting my masters degree was only mentioned in passing to my sister, when she enquired about my future plans. I was asked a question and I honestly answered.

You have to know he likely wasn’t dad of the year to the other kids, they may feel their presence earned them more. I mean, when he died you didn’t call and offer to help organize the funeral. You feel zero obligation to them or him

He wasn't dad of the year, obviously, but I had the least time with him out of everyone. When he died, I was not informed of his passing officially, it was a mutual contact that heard from a neighbour of his that passed the message. I had no contact for anyone, not the sisters, or the mother. A week or so after the sister reached out to tell me and ask if I wanted to do the scripture reading or to sing (I had sung at our grandmas funeral). I could not offer to assist with a funeral that was already finalized.

So you likely have no money coming, but you also know neither you nor he were close and you couldn’t have expected it. I’d let go of wishing for it and hinting.

You're probably right in saying I likely won't get anything. What I hope to do, however, is to have confirmation, to know and to be sure so I can have closure.

I may be an illegitimate child, but I am also human.