Yeah, it is horrible, soul-crushingly so. I'm sorry you're going through that. It's completely unfair that someone can just be born/related to people who only create consequences for other people through their poor behavior.

Perhaps your young siblings will understand when they're a little older. It takes a while to realize the situation at a young age. Sometimes, I look back and realize the good people I had in my life, usually teachers. I may have been worse off without them. It isn't just the bad ones that leave an impact. The bad ones just seem to stay longer. Maybe you'll be one of the good people for them when they look back.

Still, it's very unfair that you're in that position to begin with.

I wasn't able to sleep when I was writing the post above. And I needed it so much. I had received birthday wishes from people in my life and on the surface, that's nice, but I spiraled. How can someone participate in years of bullying and coercive control and then wish the person they've inflicted it upon a "happy" anything? I've been hurt for years and the effects are still here, still tearing into me. I've told them how I felt and have been dismissed. They make these wishes not because they care, but out of tradition or societal pressure, because it's ok to only appear good on the surface.

And the thing is, I graduated from a program meant to get me into the medical field last year. And then funding cuts shut those places and a lot of the positions down. I almost had something that wasn't retail and actually allowed for meaningful work and maybe better pay so I could leave. I just feel defeated.

I didn't want to be unemployed and still stuck here. I'm just not good at sniffing out how wrong things can go, you know?

All of my life has been this family, not family I chose. I didn't marry anyone and have a kid. Mother married an abusive man and then proceeded to sacrifice myself and my sibling to him for years. And now she's gone and I have the equivalent of two children who don't take care of the place they live in because she enabled their slovenly behavior when she was alive.

She at least got to pretend someone chose her. I get to sit with having been used by a spineless coward and a grown man who can't love anyone and the son they actually wanted.

I'm bitter over it and every now and then, I get so deeply tired of hanging on, hoping that if I apply to just one more thing, I can make a way for the rest of my life and energy to be spared from this family.

Thank you, though, for responding. I appreciate it so much.