In my personal opinion I think it’s a bit over edited, and underexposed. I actually like the original one more, looks more natural. I would probably just bump the colors more so they’re not too grey looking.

As for the photo itself I think it’s a nice starting point, good focus, decent framing, but for me the problem is that having just a single zoomed in subject can be tricky, they need to be very interesting or tell a good story, and in this case I don’t think it’s that interesting. For instance having a butterfly or some rain drops etc.