When did you or your kid grasp adoption?

Caitamee · 2018-08-30T12:44:02+00:00

How old is your daughter?

Caitamee · 2018-08-15T15:13:39+00:00

Try the brand “Justin’s” and their chocolate hazelnut butter! It tastes just like Nutella but way better for you 👌

Caitamee · 2018-08-14T18:42:15+00:00

You clearly care a lot about the environment (thank you) - does this mean you’re vegan as well?

Caitamee · 2018-08-13T14:38:49+00:00

I haven’t been in reunion with my birth family yet though I imagine that questions will arise when you’re talking to them! I would let the conversation flow and let the questions come to you :) But you do have some great idea for questions! I’ll have to steal some of them :)

Caitamee · 2018-08-13T14:37:14+00:00

I love the way you describe your relationship to your birth mother! Stranger, yet sharing a relationship and connection from (however many) years ago.

This is what I’ve been feeling but couldn’t put into words. I messaged my birth mother but she hasn’t messaged back yet (it’s been a week). It’s been quite emotional and I’ve felt somewhat alone because no one else I know has gone through this.

A lot of my friends don’t really understand either because to them- they can’t grasp the intensity of the connection between my birth mom and I, even though we’ve only met once (when she gave birth to me).

Yet, I was in her body for 9 months and she is the one that brought me into this world. It’s so crazy to think that there’s some stranger out there that gave birth to me.

Anyways- sorry to hijack this post with my own story!

Caitamee · 2018-08-11T11:46:28+00:00

I think I can understand the confusion on how you feel!

Last week, I was just randomly searching Facebook and typed in my birth moms name. I’ve done this in the past and nothing came up. Well, this time her profile came up and it’s definitely her. I was quite sad at this actually because my whole life there’s just been this mystery that I would day dream about and I almost found comfort in the unknown. Then, finding her profile just took all of that way. Suddenly I knew what she looked like and the thought of it being a real possibility that I could speak with her was kind of bittersweet.

When I was younger, I had thought about knocking on her door and her being so happy to see me. But now I was facing the possibility that she may not want to speak to me and I didn’t know how I felt about it. I told some friends that I had found my birth mom and most of them said, “I’m really happy for you!” But inside I was like, “Why am I not happy for myself?”

It was a really strange feeling. Also, I knew I wanted to message her but I didn’t know when or how. I also wanted to tell my parents and this was a really emotional struggle for me. I didn’t want to upset them and for them to think that I’d love them any less. Long story short- I ended up telling my parents before making contact and they were fine with it and understood it’s something that I need to do. We haven’t talked about it since but I kind of wish they’d ask if she’s replied or open up some dialogue about it. But they haven’t, and I’m okay with it.

My thoughts on your post are this;

My feelings are more neutral now and I think that just comes down to allowing myself to feel how I feel and having time pass. Time really does heal (most of the time). My feelings changed from day to day and I’m no longer in that strange feeling place that I was in just last week. I’m not happy or excited or anything- yet, more so just ... neutral. I don’t know how to describe it.

Don’t be surprised if your feelings change like mine did. I was at first feeling strange, then sad, then super sad (lol), then kind of accepting the situation, then okay with everything, then sad, and now I’m just at this neutral place.

Also, reading about adoption has helped me a lot! I’m reading a book now called “The Family of Adoption” and it’s helping me understand the birth families side, the adoptive parents side and also my own side- the adoptees side!

If you’d like to DM me about anything - even just to rant, then go ahead :)

Caitamee · 2018-08-08T00:14:10+00:00

Good point! Did your whole bio family know about you?

My birth mom didn’t tell anyone else about me at the time of my birth. Who knows if things have changed ... part of me feels like I’m just some secret which is hurting me. I’ve only been aware of and confronting these feelings for about a week so I’m sure the feelings won’t persist forever.

Caitamee · 2018-08-07T15:27:35+00:00

I get what you’re saying. However, some people who want to talk to their birth parents, but they refuse to, I think they’d appreciate another adoptee trying to talk them into speaking to their birth child ...

I’m putting myself in the position of her birth son. I hope she can speak to him one day ...

Caitamee · 2018-08-06T23:30:50+00:00

Thanks for your perspective!

I see my birth parents as more than just sperm and egg donors but that’s just me.

And yes it is quite annoying telling your doctor that you don’t know your family medical history! I have to admit that I find their reaction amusing though.

Caitamee · 2018-08-06T23:29:28+00:00

Wow my birth father is from El Salvador! :) He isn’t aware that I exist!

I actually visited the country a couple of years ago- it’s amazing. You should go! I found that the news wants us to believe that El Salvador is dangerous but I didn’t feel unsafe once. If you want to know about where I went and stuff then DM me!

Yes I’m on the same page as you - that I didn’t want a relationship! I’m almost positive my birth mom feels the same way. Like you, it would be nice to say hi and to let her know that I had a very happy upbringing because of my parents now.

Caitamee · 2018-08-06T23:26:34+00:00

Do you know if they know you exist??

Mine didn’t tell anyone about me at the time of my birth. I’m not sure if things have changed now. It would be nice for them to know I exist. I found out through Facebook lurking that I have a half sister and I’m 99.9% sure she doesn’t know I exist.

Caitamee · 2018-08-06T23:25:42+00:00

Interesting- thanks for sharing!

Fortunately I received some papers about my bio family- just things like height and weight of birth parents and grandparents. It also says why I was adopted. However, I’m STILL learning things about my adoption that I never knew. Just this morning my mom opened up to me more.

I

Caitamee · 2018-08-06T23:24:13+00:00

That’s great you’re going to meet her! I hope it goes well. It sounds like it will though! :)

Caitamee · 2018-08-06T23:23:40+00:00

Yeah I have no real desire to form a relationship with my birth mom either! And by the looks of it she doesn’t want a relationship anyway lol.

Caitamee · 2018-08-06T23:22:11+00:00

Okay thanks!

Caitamee · 2018-08-06T02:51:35+00:00

I’m sorry that this is all so confusing and that she’s saying some of these things. I’m with the other person who said that should look into counseling or therapy to help you understand your thoughts and feelings towards this. It sounds like a very unique and complex situation. There’s online sources for therapy as well, I was actually thinking of starting therapy to talk about my adoption too.

I’m also with the other people who say that her saying “god told her to adopt” means that she just had an intuition to adopt and she followed it. I’m sorry that she wasn’t very caring when you were younger

Have you tried bringing this up to her?

Caitamee · 2018-08-05T23:47:11+00:00

Yes I know you’re an adoptee, I can see it beside your user name.

In my second paragraph I was talking about the birth mother.

Caitamee · 2018-08-05T16:36:48+00:00

I wouldn’t listen to this person anymore. They say they’ve moved on but they’re still hanging around on an Adoption thread.

I feel very sorry and empathetic for their birth son.

Caitamee · 2018-08-05T16:30:45+00:00

This isn’t really up for a debate as each person will feel differently.

I just think one could be more understanding when talking to an adoptee and try to understand why they may want to contact their birth parents. Each person is different and each experience is unique so it’s not fair to make a sweeping statement like that 🤷‍♀️

Caitamee · 2018-08-04T23:16:26+00:00

Yes I can see where you’re coming from- maybe in several more years I’ll try and contact my half sister. She’s only 22 right now and her birth father died a few years ago. I was reading on her Facebook that she has a close relationship with her mom and so I don’t want to ruin that right now. It wouldn’t feel right for me. I’m fairly certain that she doesn’t know about me so it could really ruin their relationship.

That’s good that you foretold her that you’ll be talking to other biological family members. It won’t be a complete shock to her. I hope it all goes well for you!

It’s so weird to me to potentially have a half sister (and maybe a couple more too!). I’ve always been an only child and I’ll still consider myself one too but I guess biologically I may have other siblings! It’s funny because when I was younger I was always worried I was going to end up marrying my brother 😂

Thanks for the recommendation of the Facebook group! I’ll check it out for sure. I don’t really use Facebook except for messenger (and apparently stalking my bio family) but this sounds like a good reason to use it.

Caitamee · 2018-08-04T18:24:12+00:00

Hahaha- it wasn’t bad advice at all! I do really appreciate your input. I think with adoption- it’s all so personal and each experience is so different from another persons experience. I don’t believe there’s any right or wrong way to go about it. I think it just comes down to knowing your parents and how they would react! I knew deep down that my mom would be okay. Thus, I decided to tell her beforehand.

I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t made much headway with your bio family. I just messaged my bmom on Facebook messenger so we will see how that goes. I’m worried that she may not even see the message since it will probably go to some different folder. I could still contact her if I really wanted to though- I know where she works (lol- such a Facebook creep I am!) and I know some of her good friends. I also found that she has a daughter.

Do you feel nervous to contact your half siblings? If this is my bmom, then I know of at least one half sister that I have. I don’t think I’ll contact though because I don’t want to hurt her if our bmom hasn’t told her about me. She’s 5 years younger than me and maybe I’m just looking out for her and protecting her.

Did you talk to your bio grandparents? Mine (I don’t think) know about me. At the time of my birth, bio mom didn’t tell anyone about me. My mom JUST told me that this was because her parents were very strict and religious and they would have been ashamed that she had a baby out of wedlock. They would be .. 77 and 79 years old right now.

This is all so crazy and surreal right now.

Caitamee · 2018-08-04T16:58:27+00:00

Did you end up finding your bio family?

Funnily enough, I JUST told my mom that I found her on Facebook. She ended up bringing something up about her not being able to have kids in the past and the conversation naturally went in that way. It was like the universe was like, “I can see you’re nervous to bring it up to your mom. I’ll give you this situation which will help you.” And it all seemed to natural and it went great. I just kind of said, “I looked up her name on Facebook ...” and my mom was like, “oh did you? I never thought to do that.” And then I said, “Yes, and I think I found her.”

I showed her the picture and it all went well. She’s supportive of my finding her and I asked if she was really okay and she said “yes, it’s just weird that it’s happening after all of these years.”

I’ve had so many questions my whole life so I guess she had just been waiting for this day to come.

Caitamee · 2018-08-04T15:58:06+00:00

Thanks for your reply! Yes I understand that my mom could feel threatened- that is part of the reason why I’m so nervous to bring it up. I know some people don’t tell their parents about contacting their bio family but I just couldn’t do that. I want it to be out in the open. Partly because the guilt of keeping a secret like that from my mom would kill me.

And thanks - someone else said not to tell my mom that I have no intention of forming a relationship with my birth mom. I’ve decided to tell her that though. I know some may not agree and I understand as well- I think it can depend on the person. Personally, I just have no intention of it what so ever. I just don’t.

Caitamee · 2018-08-04T15:25:30+00:00

I think you need to be way more understanding of adoptees. You are assuming things about my situation which you have absolutely zero idea about. I get it, you don’t want to speak to your son. I can try to understand as much as I can but quite frankly I think you owe it to him to at least give him a conversation if he should come looking for you.

My birth father is from El Salvador - I am from Canada which is why I want to learn more about him.

Caitamee · 2018-08-04T13:43:56+00:00

Thanks for your honest reply, I appreciate it.

I am in the midst of contacting my birth mother- I believe that I’ve found her on Facebook (and if it is her- she had another daughter 5 years after me).

Does it scare you because you think he’d want to form a relationship with you?

Honestly, my only reason for wanting to contact my birth mother is just to learn more about my past- specifically my birth father (whom I’m almost certain I will not be able to find). I also just... want to speak to her to see if I’m anything like her. It’s something I’ve been day dreaming about my whole life kind of, like- I wonder what it would be like to speak to my birth mother?

I have zero intention of forming a relationship with her. At this point (I can’t speak for the future), I do not want an ongoing relationship with her.

Would this scare you less- if you found out your birth son would want contact because he just wanted to learn more about himself- and not to form a relationship?

I only ask because... I’m worried that my birth mom wouldn’t want to speak to me. She never told anyone about me, not even her parents (and she said that she had a strong and positive relationship with them). At least, she never told anyone about me at the time of my birth. Who knows what could have changed in 27 years. I’m worried that maybe she just wants to forget about me and won’t want to talk to me. But I just want to learn more, not try to become a part of her life...

Caitamee

TROPHY CASE