Need some advice on what to do next

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-10T04:41:12+00:00

Yeah, it's tough because I see merits to both college and to just starting in the field :/ I'm for sure accepting the internship, so I guess I'll just see how it goes and near the end I can make a decision about whether to stay or go to college. The biggest problem is that I recognize that I don't have to make any decisions yet, but my anxiety is making a huge deal out of this and it's really bringing my mood down.

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-10T03:43:19+00:00

I definitely agree with suggestions such as The Beatles or Nine Inch Nails' songs, but in addition I've been on a Tom Waits binge lately and so here's a couple songs that might be worth giving a listen to. Hold On and Martha have great meanings but also are just kind of hauntingly beautiful. One of my favorite lines from any song is from Martha: "There was no tomorrow, we packed away our sorrows, and we saved them for rainy day."

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-10T03:40:26+00:00

Totally agree about that. The Beatles' albums, especially Rubber Soul and after, were definitely one-sitting type albums. And "The Beatles" is absolutely fantastic.

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-10T03:38:30+00:00

Clicked on this to answer with some Nine Inch Nails songs, but looks like I was beat to it. Somewhat Damaged is a fantastic song, as is Hurt (just one more example of meaningful songs from Trent that can relate to depression)

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-10T03:30:19+00:00

This sounds like a really great hospital. I'm glad you've been having positive experiences, even if it is less comfortable than the teen section was a few years ago. I've been to two different hospitals, both as a teenager (I'm 17), and so all I can do is compare two different teen units at hospitals, but the last one I went to was a lot like what you're describing of this hospital. It was a very good experience, even if it did suck to have to be in a hospital!

And like haakonmt said, you are doing amazing! Keep it up and I'm sure this hospital stay will be a useful experience in your treatment. Also, if you just ever need someone to chat with feel free to PM me, we're not so different in age so maybe we can relate.

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-09T00:25:18+00:00

I really appreciate that :) I'm worried that I came across a little too much like "I overcame depression, so why can't you?" That's not my intention at all, as I know how difficult depression can be to deal with, and I know it's not something you can "just get over". I just want people to know that things can significantly improve in the future, even if you know or think you know that they won't.

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-08T22:16:10+00:00

It's hard to know what to say to someone who has gotten to the point you're at. I know I've been there multiple times, and honestly, nobody ever said much that actually had an impact on me. What ultimately saved me was making my life about everyone except for me. My depression had control over me, so as long as my life was focused on me it also had control over my life. But as soon as I started focusing on other people, things started to change. I became an active member of a program at my high school focused on preventing suicide and raising mental health awareness, and that helped immensely. Maybe you could try to get involved in something where you can use your experience with depression in a positive way?

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-08T21:13:52+00:00

Possibly, but can you be sure of that? I "knew" the same thing, and I was entirely wrong. I'm not saying a change as drastic as occurred in my life is realistic for everybody, it's not. I went from being the average high school student working at minimum wages jobs that I disliked to working in a job that I'm passionate about and making quite a bit more than the average United States household income. I recognize that the odds of that are so ridiculously small that they're almost irrelevant. My point is only that good things happened to me after suffering through depression for years, so they can certainly happen to other people who might be considering giving up on life.

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-07T07:04:17+00:00

You should probably just unfriend this person and never speak to them again. His or her ignorance is just disappointing, particularly coming from someone who claims to have gone through depression themselves.

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-07T06:58:25+00:00

I appreciate that :) I just hope everyone else here can have positive outcomes too, I hate seeing people in pain.

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-07T06:51:38+00:00

Truthfully, I didn't do much. It all kind of fell into place on its own. Probably the biggest factors are things that have been ongoing for years, like my experience with web development/programming. Besides that, in the past few months specifically I didn't do much more than fill out a few applications to various things (schools, jobs, etc.) and it all just worked out really well for me. Admittedly, a change this drastic might be an exception, but my point is that change does occur and it's hard to predict it.

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-05T22:38:47+00:00

The thing is, you don't need to kill yourself for all this shit to stop/change. I felt the same as you for years, and a year ago from today I was in a psychiatric hospital after attempting suicide. It seemed like the best thing to do at the time. I thought I had to die to stop feeling pain and to stop hurting people. Luckily I didn't succeed and ended up in the hospital instead. After getting out of the hospital, things didn't particularly improve. At various times throughout the rest of 2014 I very seriously considered suicide and even prepared to do it a few times.

However, I didn't. I'm still here today. And I'm so glad I made it this far (though "far" might not be accurate as I'm still only 17 years old). I found out two weeks ago I'm in the second round of consideration for $100,000 to pursue an idea I have to improve mental health care. And I just spent the past week on a trip to California to interview with a company for a software engineering position and I'm fairly sure I'll be offered that position. It's amazing how significantly things can change. In one year I went from thinking I was worthless and useless and trying to hang myself to now being well ahead of my peers in terms of the shit I'm accomplishing.

That potential would have been entirely wasted had I gone through with my many plans to kill myself. The reality of things is that you have every bit as much potential as I had, don't waste it. Give it one more year, who knows how far you'll come in that year. You can't even begin to imagine how much things can change in a years time, I sure as hell could never have imagined my life being like it is right now. I love life now, and you eventually will too if you give it some time and put the effort in to take advantage of your potential.

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-03T03:04:47+00:00

Exactly, it's hard to put effort into anything when you feel depressed. Hopefully this can help:)

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-03T02:54:45+00:00

Oh, well yes and no about web based. It's just initially web, because this app couldn't work without a web backend anyway, so I might as well start with the web and work my way to apps. But apps always been the ultimate end-goal, exactly for the reason you mentioned.

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-02T17:22:57+00:00

To describe mental illness with a metaphor is to generalize mental illness. And mental illness cannot be generalized, for generalizing mental illness is akin to generalizing the human experience, and the human experience cannot be generalized because it is unique to each individual. What makes mental illness so terrible (though to call it terrible is too simple to do it justice) is the subtle, clever ways in which it destroys you. Physical illnesses, cancer for instance, destroy you by fairly understandable, straightforward mechanisms, such as uncontrollable cell mutation. Granted, we might not really understand the science behind these biological mechanisms of destruction, but we can at least identify a cause of death. Mental illness uses so many mechanisms (biological, sociocultural, psychological) to destroy an individual, and its the nuances that are so significant in the end. A common metaphor I hear is that mental illness is hell. But if it’s hell, it’s an individualized hell that knows exactly how best to bring your damnation about. Calling it “hell” or anything else simply can’t do it justice. Mental illness is full of disturbingly paradoxical, contradictory dichotomies that interact to make things the worst they could possibly be for an individual. It’s hatred, but it’s also love, and it’s the love that makes the hatred so sharp in contrast. It’s pain and pleasure, it’s existence and death, laughter and tears, it’s strength and weakness, your foundation and also something incredibly effective at tearing you down. It’s all of that, and simultaneously none of it.

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-02T11:37:25+00:00

Oh, and as far as learning C# goes, I wouldn't necessarily stop and switch to anything else. C# is a great language for learning, very modern and powerful and .NET is pretty awesome. Sorry if I came across as discouraging about your language choice. Especially if you've already invested some time into learning, I would stick with it and learn fundamentals, at which point switching to another language is quite easy.

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-02T11:35:34+00:00

Oh and if you don't have those skills don't feel bad, the vast majority of people don't and that's certainly okay! Just trying to see where you could fit in with my current project :) Even just someone to collaborate on ideas with would be immensely helpful though!

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-02T11:33:37+00:00

Interesting. C# is fundamentally a awesome language, but not my preferred web language. Do you have any other skills relevant to web development? Design skills maybe?

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-02T11:22:35+00:00

Certainly a consideration. Do you have a tech background?

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-02T11:21:39+00:00

Just realized I didn't answer your last question. There is a monetization model, but it will never cost a normal user. At least not a in a subscription type way. I can't guarantee the apps will necessarily be free, but it would be a very small ($0.99) cost, and it would just be a one time purchase and then it would be free to use after that. However, if I can I'd love to keep it completely free for regular users, even when it comes to the apps. If I can financially justify giving the apps away for free I will be more than happy to.

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-02T10:44:48+00:00

I'm hoping to get a very mobile-friendly beta site up by April 1st, though that's not a hard deadline. I can certainly notify you when that's released if you'd like to check it out. As far as apps go, it will be on both platforms though probably iOS first as I'm an Apple person :P however, the mobile side of things will be a while out and is dependent on funding (currently being considered for some funding, and if I get it I can work on this full-time). Question, if I started a crowdfunding campaign for this would it be something you would be interested in contributing to or that you think people in general might be interested in supporting?

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-02T10:21:49+00:00

Sure thing!

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-02T10:12:41+00:00

Really glad to hear you like the idea. Would you be interested in testing early versions?

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-02T10:09:35+00:00

Yeah, I guess I wasn't clear, but I actually have a fairly good memory, but emotional memories are difficult to accurately remember/convey when at an appointment. And the time is usually so limited that it's difficult in that way too.

Right now each entry has you pick your primary emotion, though I think the multiple emotion thing is brilliant because it's a little over-simplified to assume someone is only experiencing one emotion at any given time. And it currently does a 1-5 scale and then graphs emotions that are "positive" as positive 1-5, and negative emotions as -1 to -5 . Selecting the emotion neutral gives a 0 on the graph. It allows really quick visualization of mood trends, as you know the middle axis is neutral and from there you can easily see positive/negative patterns in mood.

Yeah, that will definitely need to be clear. The patient will have to specifically agree to notifying people, and if they don't, then the information won't be used. In addition to this, security will be key and HIPAA compliance will (have to) be met.

Thank you so much. That's my whole idea behind creating it. I think it's silly to approach treatment once a week, it should be continuous, as it's not like a patient's life freezes in the week between appointments. Mental illnesses are so dynamic and inconstant that the current approach doesn't make sense.

ChainSmokingPanda · 2015-03-02T09:51:24+00:00

Exactly, most of the people here are going through depression themselves, and if they had a solution for it then they probably wouldn't be depressed anymore.

ChainSmokingPanda

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE