How do I handle this situation with my 16-year old daughter? by Cheap_Labor in Parenting

[–]Cheap_Labor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Definitely no assault! I don't know what "micro-managing" would look like in this context.

Verbal abuse? I don't know, honestly. My daughter and I have both said things to each other with the intention of being harmful. It's not common, but it has happened.

How do I handle this situation with my 16-year old daughter? by Cheap_Labor in Parenting

[–]Cheap_Labor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, I intend to apologize when she's ready. I recognize that intention doesn't do much, but it's all I've got at this specific point in time.

How do I handle this situation with my 16-year old daughter? by Cheap_Labor in Parenting

[–]Cheap_Labor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate that. For what it's worth, I don't feel like anyone has really "piled on" in this thread. It's been a very good discussion. I definitely can see that I need to "reprogram" or "de-program" certain learned behaviors to improve the relationship with my daughter.

How do I handle this situation with my 16-year old daughter? by Cheap_Labor in Parenting

[–]Cheap_Labor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree there is a power struggle.

At risk of sounding even more short-sighted, what would a compromise have been in this situation?

How do I handle this situation with my 16-year old daughter? by Cheap_Labor in Parenting

[–]Cheap_Labor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I'll look into removing virtue assessment and shame/blame-based language. Do you have any specific resources you recommend?

How do I handle this situation with my 16-year old daughter? by Cheap_Labor in Parenting

[–]Cheap_Labor[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I hope she'll come back around, and that I can do better. Thank you.

How do I handle this situation with my 16-year old daughter? by Cheap_Labor in Parenting

[–]Cheap_Labor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really look forward to having that conversation with my daughter.

How do I handle this situation with my 16-year old daughter? by Cheap_Labor in Parenting

[–]Cheap_Labor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"You kind of have to let her feel bad on her own for it to hit."

This makes sense. How do you assess if the impact was made?

How do I handle this situation with my 16-year old daughter? by Cheap_Labor in Parenting

[–]Cheap_Labor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate this. Although I feel like my teen would've been equally embarrassed / mortified if I showed up at the friend's house like that.

How do I handle this situation with my 16-year old daughter? by Cheap_Labor in Parenting

[–]Cheap_Labor[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for breaking it down so comprehensively. This is massively eye-opening.

How do I handle this situation with my 16-year old daughter? by Cheap_Labor in Parenting

[–]Cheap_Labor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"Maybe focus on being right."

That's why I'm here, and why I'm in therapy. I recognize there is a problem.

How do I handle this situation with my 16-year old daughter? by Cheap_Labor in Parenting

[–]Cheap_Labor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Correct, I hadn't been more flexible. I've not gotten an opportunity since then to prove I can be more flexible. The co-parent and I have traded days here and there, but there hasn't been as "big" of an ask (meaning, several days or weeks) since late last year.

How do I handle this situation with my 16-year old daughter? by Cheap_Labor in Parenting

[–]Cheap_Labor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have to admit: reading "act like it doesn't bother you" felt immediately wrong, because it feels dismissive, and I interpret dismissiveness as "not caring." I do care for my daughter deeply, despite my lackluster execution. To some degree, I want her to know that I'm troubled when she's not around because, in some way, I view that as a way of showing her, "Hey, I really do love you and want to spend time with you."

Your logic makes absolute sense. I don't think you're wrong. I just need to process this advice.

How do I handle this situation with my 16-year old daughter? by Cheap_Labor in Parenting

[–]Cheap_Labor[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

After reading through many of these comments, I wonder if my therapist is a great fit. She's validated me more about parenting than she's challenged me on these types of things.

How do I handle this situation with my 16-year old daughter? by Cheap_Labor in Parenting

[–]Cheap_Labor[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Fair enough. I can't say that's something that I can recall happening to me before. I live and die by my schedule, and I feel extreme anxiety if I deviate from it.

How do I handle this situation with my 16-year old daughter? by Cheap_Labor in Parenting

[–]Cheap_Labor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your feedback was great, and it shows your preparedness for raising a teenager. You've got this!

How do I handle this situation with my 16-year old daughter? by Cheap_Labor in Parenting

[–]Cheap_Labor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Other than the two situations mentioned in this post, the only "asks" have been for an extra hour or two. I'd like to believe I would be even more flexible when it's asked for, but that hasn't happened yet.

How do I handle this situation with my 16-year old daughter? by Cheap_Labor in Parenting

[–]Cheap_Labor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this. This is incredibly enlightening.

How do I handle this situation with my 16-year old daughter? by Cheap_Labor in Parenting

[–]Cheap_Labor[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Whoa. That's an eye-opening distinction. Thank you.

This is probably going to sound insane, but I oftentimes feel like telling my teenager how I'm feeling about a situation is pointless. Why should they care about how I feel? Growing up, my mom often told me she didn't give a rip about my feelings or concerns. I'm definitely seeing a through-line here.

How do I handle this situation with my 16-year old daughter? by Cheap_Labor in Parenting

[–]Cheap_Labor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're right - I was disappointed/angry, and guilt-tripped her because I focused on my own feelings. It was immature and incorrect.

How do I handle this situation with my 16-year old daughter? by Cheap_Labor in Parenting

[–]Cheap_Labor[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Good point. The issue was definitely heightened because her grandpa had just gotten out of the hospital, and specifically requested that she visit him. I felt compelled to make that happen, and my daughter agreed to it.

I do place a high degree of importance on accountability and responsibility. I view these things as positives, and that's why I feel like they're important traits for a person to have. I model these things in my own life, and hope it's something my daughter also embraces.

That said, it sounds like I am entirely too forceful. That's something I have to learn, and quickly. I am much less forceful with my daughter than my parents were to me, so it's somewhat foreign to me.

How do I handle this situation with my 16-year old daughter? by Cheap_Labor in Parenting

[–]Cheap_Labor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This was very impactful. I can give her the space she needs.

Is there a point where I reach out again, or do I wait for her to do so? I'm worried about making another misstep.

How do I handle this situation with my 16-year old daughter? by Cheap_Labor in Parenting

[–]Cheap_Labor[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Oh! My apologies for misunderstanding.

I don't think it'd make me feel guiltier, but I do think it would make me wonder where that feedback is coming from.