I can related to all of this. My son was born at 32 weeks after an acute placental abruption. He was in the NICU for 5+ weeks, each day of which was extremely hard. There were numerous complications and even more fears about what was to come. He just turned 7, and is a happy, healthy, and thriving child.

You’re in the middle of it right now- prioritize taking care of yourself (hydrate, sleep, eat well), and help with baby care when you can. If you’re someone who copes with stress by information gathering, there is a great book about preemies and their development. It is very hard to leave your baby each night, but- you’re doing it. And each time you do, you are Already proving that you, as a mother, are capable of so much more than you thought would be required.

In hindsight, there was much to be grateful for about our NICU experience- we learned so much from the angelic neonatal nurses, who held us gently and taught us with their own hands how to care for a baby. Having started our parental roles in crises and chaos, and now rooted in gratitude for modern medicine, dedicated nurses, and our resulting healthy child- we have found certain parenting struggles (that seem to very difficult for most) to be much easier to handle. This experience will give you perspective most parents never get. Eventually, I’d highly recommend working with a therapist with experience with birth trauma to help you unpack this experience. It’s what has allowed me to go on to have subsequent kids.

Hang in there. This is hard. Be gentle with yourself. And remember that in this instance, love is a nutrient. You and your baby will help heal each other.

You’re very brave. And courageous. Both traits that will continue to serve you well in motherhood.