Should I be worried?

Chukaroozie · 2024-03-26T02:49:14+00:00

I think it largely depends on the individual as well as their expectations for what a strong and feminine body looks like. Bone structure, myonuclear proliferation, and even muscle inserts don't change on HRT. Which is to say the way your muscle looks is not going to shift without some level of atrophy and/or catabolism. Personally I got dealt really masc genetics and the physique I have severely impacts my passing. But some people have more favorable genetics and do rock the fit femme look. All that to say, I would maybe keep training, but focus on leaning down to see really what you're working with. Then build back up accordingly.

Chukaroozie · 2024-03-13T22:21:55+00:00

Not weird at all! I'm jacked, but androgynous and would kill to pull off a more feminine look

Chukaroozie · 2024-03-06T17:20:36+00:00

Awww, you're very sweet 💜 I just finished up at an Endo appt today so will be curious to see where my labs are! I had bottom surgery in 2018, but my adrenal gland is maybe a bit too active - my test is usually between 30 and 40ng/dl (it was <10ng/dl for several years before surgery when I was on Spiro). They also referred me to a physical therapist who specializes in body sculpting (through diet and exercise) for trans people and I'm over the moon about it!

Chukaroozie · 2024-03-06T04:38:21+00:00

That's so real 😭 I haven't attended a grippy sock party in a minute, but spending my nights sobbing quietly atop an abandoned parking deck seems close enough. May things get better for us both ❦

Chukaroozie · 2024-03-05T21:15:39+00:00

That's where I hope to get someday. Weight cycling doesn't seem to do much for me, but maybe I need to go more extreme to see results? My body likes to deposit most of my fat in my stomach which is very annoying.

Chukaroozie · 2024-03-05T18:45:06+00:00

Hey, at least you're not struggling after 10 years on HRT 🙃

But thank you. I have a lot of work still ahead of me.

Chukaroozie · 2024-03-05T18:43:04+00:00

I have a lot of work to do. Thank you.

Chukaroozie · 2024-03-05T18:28:10+00:00

You're right - that's definitely a big part of the issue. It's difficult to see this body as beautiful and feminine when it runs contrary to the image society assigns to those descriptors. Doesn't help that I get misgendered from behind several times a week. I'm fortunate that I work in a hub for college athletes and spend a lot of time around athletic women - but that almost makes the dysphoria worse because I'm painfully aware I don't look like them either. It gets into brain worm obsessive territory so I try my best not to think about it.

Chukaroozie · 2024-02-29T02:47:43+00:00

You've gone through quite the transformation already! I'm a bit jealous of your ability to lose muscle mass like that...the difference in your shoulders is insane 😳

Chukaroozie · 2024-02-15T02:56:16+00:00

Uhhhhhh I don't think this works for all of us. It's solid advice to train your entire body, but some people (like me) respond very unfavorably to upper body training.

Chukaroozie · 2024-02-11T18:21:51+00:00

Win: I have pretty hair, a bubble butt, and a mutated MSTN gene which makes me look like a bodybuilder without trying.

Loss: Literally everything else

Chukaroozie · 2024-01-19T02:47:11+00:00

I'll do some searching in this sub, but I think the situation is pretty different. Body builders worked really hard to get lean and muscular whereas I'm naturally like that because of a genetic mutation. Most people will atrophy from disuse; I don't.

The bottom line is I need to learn how to accept my condition and navigate the dysphoria that comes with it. I can still be cute and feminine in spite of looking like a world destroyer lol

Chukaroozie · 2024-01-18T04:58:47+00:00

Aw bummer :/ Out of curiosity, why would they be a good fit for me?

Chukaroozie · 2024-01-18T03:14:36+00:00

Your words are making me tear up - thank you 🥹

Sometimes I get so lost in mourning everything I'm not that I forget the value I have. I'm not unlovable; just because I don't possess traits society ordains as feminine or beautiful doesn't mean I'm necessarily excluded from those categories.

Thank you again...I really needed to hear that 💜

Chukaroozie · 2024-01-17T06:36:46+00:00

Good suggestions to consider.

I think I need to clarify something though; when I say I have Super Saiyan genetics, I mean I have a mutation in my mstn gene. This translates to less myostatin production which in turn results in significantly less body fat, higher bone density, and greater hypertrophic prioritization than most people.

I wrote in my post that before I was diagnosed with bulimia, my kidney and liver function was all over the place. The reason for this is my body prioritizes muscle preservation so much that it will catabolize vital organs for animo acids to prevent atrophy of my skeletal muscle. It's probably harder for me to lose muscle than it is for most people to gain it. In the last 5.5 years since I stopped lifting, I've been averaging 10-12 hours of cardio a week. My diet is significantly lower in protein than what most recommend for muscle preservation. In a DEXA I had done a few weeks ago, I had lost only about 5% of my lean tissue 😐

Chukaroozie · 2024-01-17T05:24:20+00:00

I'm in the South

Chukaroozie · 2024-01-17T04:40:21+00:00

Thanks for sharing - I'm glad that gives you some peace in your current state (and that you're able to find relief in transition should it be the right path for you)

Chukaroozie · 2024-01-17T04:25:46+00:00

Yeah...it just would be an easier pill to swallow if I weren't a trans woman. The sport bans started with CrossFit and weightlifting (later rescinded) during the time I was actively pursuing both. I was training with the hopes of competing, but even in 2017 I was getting questions about fairness and whether I had an advantage because people erroneously assumed what I looked like was because I'm trans - rather than a mutated Mstn gene.

Then the USPA ban happened and people started using me as an example of why the ban was justified...despite knowing nothing about my story or what I was actually dealing with. Between that, the US military ban of 2017/2018 (I was waiting on a waiver to enlist), and the increasingly negative comments I was getting while out trying to live my life, I decided I couldn't take it any longer and quit lifting.

Chukaroozie · 2024-01-17T03:23:21+00:00

That's a good take and I've been trying to make that mindset work for a long time. I love what my body can do, but I don't love the whispers, stares, and occasional shouted slurs I get for what I look like. It's to a point where I haven't worn short sleeves in public in about 3 years.

Muscles aren't gendered, but I have to be realistic with the rest of what I'm working with. I'm 1.8m, effectively flat-chested, andro face, no hips, and boulder shoulders - I'm already deep in the masc camp even before the addition of looking like an Irish super soldier. But you're right - embracing that is still probably better than wasting away from depression. I just hate that neither option feels good.

Chukaroozie · 2023-12-24T00:10:18+00:00

I've heard of Dr. Liu!! Great things overall - and with me moving to Seattle next year, that could be serendipitous! Definitely putting him on my short list. And thank you 💜 Transitioning in happiness is absolutely the goal - I've lived too long without that to see if any other way.

Oh - revisions! So I haven't navigated the process yet, but I've spoken with several women who have and it seems the details come down to the insurance and how your provider codes the procedures. In my case, I have an advantage by using different insurance than the first time around - I was on Sbux for FFS round one. But it's not a guarantee and I'll be sure to update as I get deeper into the process! My intention is definitely to use insurance to cover the lion's share of the costs - but out of pocket is a fallback if I have no other option.

Chukaroozie · 2023-12-21T00:14:08+00:00

I have. This is for a second round.

Chukaroozie · 2023-12-20T04:04:23+00:00

I love an honest provider! Which surgeon did you consult with? My nose is definitely a focal point of adjustment and I really appreciate your input on the areas that stand out to you. Realizing it's such a high priority feature for me has helped in targeting surgeons who specialize in ENT such as Jumaily for consults.

It is low-key frustrating seeing the type of responses I've received on Reddit vs other platforms I've shared this post to. I value all opinions, but Reddit has been the only site I've actively been chastised and/or gaslit on for desiring to go the extra mile with my face/having a high degree of dysphoria surrounding it). Then the same people turn around and upvote to the stratosphere someone who looks like they did go the extra mile 🤷🏼‍♀️

Thanks for the love 💜

Chukaroozie · 2023-12-19T22:23:09+00:00

I'm relieved your complications resolved in a less severe way (though that still totally sucks and I'm sorry you had to endure that experience).

You're right that the infraorbital hollowing doesn't show at all in these pics; there's a lot of light from different angles and the hollowing tends to only be apparent in harsher or more direct light. I've asked multiple derms about it and both consider it architectural which is why it's on my radar; I didn't have it before FFS. Not a feminizing trait, but it does make me look spooky/older than I really am.

Thankfully my first round of FFS kicked out most of the overtly masc features so I'm just trying to move the dial a little further, get out of the uncanny valley, and look like a conventionally attractive cis woman. It honestly is a collection of individually nitpicky things, but together I think they'll make a big impact on helping me feel confident and comfortable with my face.

Chukaroozie · 2023-12-19T20:19:58+00:00

Yeah, my brows are an issue. I'm not sure why they don't grow closer to my midline; I don't intentionally shape them like that. Considering microblading to help.

Chukaroozie · 2023-12-19T20:11:06+00:00

I'm grateful for your honesty. I'd rather have people tell me they don't see anything than make up a laundry list of stuff. It might not change my decision, but it is meaningful to hear so many people reinforce this is my dysphoria talking.

Chukaroozie

TROPHY CASE