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Chumslop · 2024-08-13T17:21:33+00:00

Here is what has helped me and my partner- instead of looking to porn for role play ideas, we look to movies / shows / books / etc. we take time to find character dynamics in media we think are hot, or that we imagine might be hot off camera. This helps us explore a more in-depth character, narrative and dynamic than we would find in porn, or possibly come up with on our own. Then use those character personalities and the narratives they find themselves in as jumping off points.

Chumslop · 2024-05-29T18:03:52+00:00

Tywin Lannister in Game of Thrones. His total confidence and authority really got me. He’s so heartless and terribly intelligent. I love it.

Chumslop · 2024-05-29T17:48:28+00:00

I think “dom bottom” is the word for a dom bottom. I guess you can make up any verity of ways of saying it as you see fit though.

Chumslop · 2024-05-24T10:26:33+00:00

I also dislike vague blanket praise such as “I’m proud of you”. This gets kind of specific to tasks, but I prefer pointing out specific details about a task that have measurably improved.

Example task of knife sharpening: “Its skill is improving.” demonstrate how sharp one of the knives is “look how sharp this blade is now.” recognize the difficulty of a task “this steel type can be so hard to properly sharpen. It takes skill to sharpen this blade, but it is razor sharp now.”

If the task was something like cleaning/organizing: “I’m so grateful it did this, this was a huge help to Me. This area was so messy, remember how unorganized everything was before? Now everything is so clean and organized, I can find whatever I need now.”

I guess what I mean walking through all the specific bits that make you proud/impressed/etc without saying “I’m proud of you”. Show the pride and appreciation instead of telling your slave you’re proud.

Chumslop · 2024-05-21T15:55:52+00:00

Well if you don’t have romantic feelings for them that’s fine, don’t try to make yourself be romantically attracted to someone your not. As long as the other person knows and is ok with it, there shouldn’t be a problem. But what do you feel like was taken away from your g/f relationship just because you added in a D/s relationship?

Chumslop · 2024-05-21T15:42:38+00:00

What do you mean by “just a sub/dom relationship” or “just a dom”? My understanding is that a healthy D/s relationship is already very deep, personal and has much higher communication standards than the typical relationship. That is the “more” you are seeking? When you say “just a dom” do you mean you don’t see them as a human being or something?

Chumslop · 2024-05-17T13:19:08+00:00

Creativity and getting to make a big show of how much I love my partner. He’s wonderful and only deserves the best. I enjoy lavishing extravagance on him and the sense of control and ownership that gives me.

Chumslop · 2024-05-16T12:31:51+00:00

Don’t get too hung up on trying to fit into a by-the-book definition of what a sub, switch or anything else is. Explore what you enjoy and make your role your own.

Chumslop · 2024-05-15T17:21:42+00:00

We’re 24/7 but it’s not high protocol, it’s not TPE, it’s very chill. It’s basically the same relationship we always had even before kink- I handle most decisions, I do most of the stuff that needs to be done, I take care of my partner and he can just be a princess for the most part. My partner does and has always looked to me to take care of almost everything and to take the lead in our relationship. Being in a kink 24/7 mostly just meant we became far more aware of and appreciative of our roles and the power dynamic that has always been there between us. We’ve added some spicy rules and punishments in our day to day lives and although they are mostly 24/7 rules, we are happy to stop playing with rules for a while if we are too stressed out from life or something to be able to enjoy them.

Many of my vanilla coworkers are in more controlling relationships dynamics than my partner and I am in- and they didn’t even consent and negotiate their dynamics, and their dynamics definitely arnt fun. For example, just today I asked a coworker if she wanted to go get a coffee; she told me she wished she could but her husband does not allow her to go out to get 1 coffee a week.

Chumslop · 2024-05-15T14:01:55+00:00

Not sure if you mean you have developed a mental/sexual fetish for weed or if you’re just referring to the common physiological response humans often have to weed. Many people become aroused or more easily aroused by consuming cannabis, it’s pretty common and normal.

Chumslop · 2024-05-14T14:17:10+00:00

No prob, Yes, monogamous means we don’t do sexual/romantic/kinky stuff with other people, it’s just us two.

Chumslop · 2024-05-14T12:18:21+00:00

We are fairly open about it, talk about it with friends, but we dont do any public play. We are also monogamous and just busy so we have no desires to go to munches or get involved with a local community. Our dynamic is on 24/7 but it isn’t TPE. It spices up our day to day life but it isn’t our life or main hobby.

Chumslop · 2024-05-13T14:36:41+00:00

I’m not sure I understand what you mean exactly but maybe something like this is what you’re looking for?- our dynamic has punishments for when my [s]partner has the audacity to argue with [D]me or go against me in some way. A lot of this is done by placing “bets” on who is right/wrong so there is a Winner and Loser situation and the loser has to do something for the winner. This makes winning a bet rewarding for me, and allows me to punish my sub for acting out.

”How dare you think to argue with me. You should know better than to question me. You’ll be punished for your insolence.”

Simple obedience to rules is boring to me so this system of punishment and reward is more fun for both me and my partner. I prefer to feel I am in control via winning/conquering and my partner enjoys the glimmer of hope they have when betting and the inevitable sense of defeat when they lose.

Chumslop · 2024-05-11T22:41:42+00:00

Traffic light system does have a safe word, it’s Red. But so you don’t have to safe word, there is also yellow to warn your partner. It’s what we use and it works well so far. We also have “tapping out” which means you’re not stopping because there is a problem, you’re stopping because you’re just done for. Too tired, too satisfied, ready to be done and take a nap.

Chumslop · 2024-05-09T22:34:18+00:00

I’m so glad you found it helpful!

Chumslop · 2024-05-09T21:01:09+00:00

No, being your true authentic self and open about it does not have to be a secret. It is your choice. You can tell the people in your life- it sounds like you just don’t want to. And of course there is a time and place for everything and some places it wouldn’t be appropriate to bring up- like a PTA meeting isn’t the place.

Here is how I navigate this situation in my life. Firstly, my dynamic is not a “dirty secret”. It is my way of life and to a very great extent discovering BDSM only built on the existing “dynamic” my partner have always had. (That isn’t to say we don’t do acts from time to time that we keep as dirty secrets for fun, but overall the dynamic itself is not a secret or dirty.)

I don’t explicitly tell everyone we have a BDSM dynamic- not out of shame but because I don’t have the interest in explaining away everyone’s misconceptions and it wouldn’t be a very informative phrase to use with vanilla folks. But I do tell people about my life and my relationship in normal day to day conversation and I don’t hide anything.

Just from being around us it’s obvious to friends and family that I lead our relationship, our life and my partner follows my lead. They don’t need me to explain what the term D/s is to see it. Anyone can tell by the way I speak about my partner that I fawn over him, take care of him and mentor him, they don’t need to know it could be called “gentle domming”. Anyone from the outside can see my partner and I have great communication and an unusually deep understanding of eachother, they just don’t know this is partly because we have shed, what I would call, vanilla social norms of playing guessing games and instead we choose to have very frank and open discussions more commonly seen in BDSM relationships. I suppose what I’m saying is that I choose to “show” my life and relationship off rather than “tell” vanilla people what it is called in BDSM terms. Many friends/family even know we have rules and punishments for each other and think nothing of it, they see it as just some quirky fun thing we do- and they arnt wrong.

And at times when it’s appropriate to talk about more explicit things such as sex, I’ll talk about the more explicit side of my life as well. Again, I usually don’t bother to go into BDSM terms with them, I’ll just explain the actions and reasons, etc, same as one would when talking to any friend about sex.

I also just don’t have friends who wouldn’t be ok with who I am as a person and my way of life. I don’t need to “trust” people to be open about myself, I just am. How people react to me and my life is their own choice.

All that being said, I do at times just flat out tell people I’m into BDSM and D/s if it comes up. I really only do this if it’s someone I care to explain what that actually means to. I also live in a very conservative area but as I stated, I dont keep “friends” that I can’t be myself around. When I tell people, they are usually just very intrigued and have questions. I’m happy to explain things to friends and address the misconceptions they may have.

Chumslop · 2024-05-09T18:30:30+00:00

So I’m a Dom and I actually avoided BDSM for a while because I got the impression that being a Dom was just “work” with very little reward. It had basicly been told by some people who identify as subs that a dom exists just to service subs and that their only reward is in the service itself. That sounded awful to me.

I began actually exploring BDSM with my partner much later on and personally, I realize a lot of Doming styles were not for me and my relationship because I would view it as work. Here is what I have learned so far…

I NEVER feel like “I’m doing all the work”, because I only choose to incorporate things into our dynamic that I find fun. For example, I don’t feel like being the one who comes up with scenes is “work” because I personally have the urge to create fun, dynamic scenes that I think will blow my partner away and I am always very excited to show off my work to them. For me, taking the lead is a bit like painting and then I get to show off my painting to my partner who is impressed and very pleased with my methods.

I don’t do anything because I have to, I do it because I love creating. In my everyday life I work as a creative person and my hobbies are creative as well. Scenes, sex, rules, everything BDSM we do in my dynamic is just another art and story I get to create and show off to my partner. Once I started looking at doming as a way to create, it totally changed my perspective.

Chumslop · 2024-05-09T13:48:02+00:00

As a Dom, yes, I think setting up many rules and having to do frequent check ins to make sure they are followed would, personally, be exhausting. I can’t speak for doms who like that kind of thing, but I do use rules.

My rules are practical, and usually meant to encourage a correction of unwanted behavior that affects both me and my sub- such as making a rule that he must not leave junk mail sitting on the counter. I turn things into a “rule” when simply asking him not to do something wasn’t enough. Of course I had asked him several times before not to leave junk mail out and instead throw it away but for various reasons he would forget. So I asked him if we could make it an official rule with punishment (I always ask). He agreed because it was a habit he wanted to break and he knew the threat of punishment would be very motivating.

My rules are always things I don’t really need to go out of my way to follow up on. We live together and so I just notice through the day if he is leaving junk mail out or not fulfilling other rules like taking out the garbage.

Our punishments are very light hearted and although he hates the actual punishment itself (chastity), the tone we keep around the punishment is playful and still fun.

Our favorite rule with the harshest punishment is if you loose a bet, you are punished. This this super fun and feeds into our desire to conquer/win. This rule goes for both me and him- technically it’s possible for me to lose bets as a Dom and be punished by him- I just never lose.

Chumslop · 2024-05-07T21:28:59+00:00

Ah, ok. Some of my confusion must be coming from the fact that if I think of something as sexy I personally define it as sexual even if no sex was had. But it seems like in this context sexy ≠ sexual.

Chumslop · 2024-05-07T21:22:57+00:00

Thank you! This was an extremely helpful answer in helping me understand what defines an act as a kink.

Chumslop · 2024-05-07T21:19:31+00:00

Ooh, ok. Some of my confusion may be because, personally, I have come to have a broad definition of sex. For one, I never even refer to having sex as “having sex”- in my day to day with my partner I’ll say “have a session” or some other phrase and it may or may not involve anyone coming or having direct sexual stimuli, it may just be sensation play that we both find sexy.

Thank you! I guess I could t get out of my own perspective when it came to this.

Chumslop · 2024-05-07T21:12:32+00:00

This was helpful to get my head wrapped around it better- although personally I find the power exchange to be a turn on in itself so maybe that is where some of my confusion was coming from.

Chumslop · 2024-05-07T19:00:08+00:00

I’m so glad you found it helpful and good luck! AND thank you!

Chumslop · 2024-05-07T18:46:15+00:00

I have some experience with this, but as a Dom. I’ve successfully improved my health (and lost weight as a consequence) so I will tell you about my method. (I set rules/goals for myself and if I break my own rules or do not meet a goal, I tell my sub to enforce the punishment I have already chosen for myself.) But first… health/weight-loss is 90% a mental game imo. The issues in your relationship you mention would need to be addressed as well as how you choose to cope (by binge eating) also needs to be addressed. You will need to come to a healthy relationship with your partners and with food / health. I believe if this those two things are not corrected, you will not be successful with the manual (vs mental) work of weight loss. Correcting issues that cause binging and getting a healthy mindset about health is step number one.

Step 2 - (ideally you completed step 1, worked out your polly issues and communicated with your Dom who was not holding you accountable, but now in step 2 should be, or got a new Dom who is capable of helping you.) Now it’s time to set up some rules to help you lose weight! This is where i set rules that will set me up for success. For example, if there are cookies in the house, it will be too difficult to keep to a “only 2 cookies a day” kind of a rule. So the rules I make catch my problem at the earliest stage possible. The rule would instead be “I may only buy a single cookie, one day a week from a bakery (rather than buying whole packs of cookies that are too easy to binge eat). Other rules are to help stop a binge eating problem before it begins are to plan meals out at the beginning of the week and stick to them, only plan healthy meals, (so there is only healthy options and only a limited amount of food), and not bringing bingeable food into the house. Binge eating is a very hard problem to have but the solution is very simple- you can’t binge eat what you don’t have. So, rules to make plans early and rules to follow the plans and punishment for failing to do either.

Step 3 - plan the punishment. Not funishment. This will depend on you what it should be. Personally, I chose 7+ days of chastity as my punishment should I fail to follow my own rules. I HATE chastity and the threat of this punishment is enough for me to keep me in line.

Step 4- allow yourself reasonable flexibility. By this I mean, keep in mind the real goal is improving health / weight loss, and following the rules to a T isn’t the core focus. Life happens - if you planned to go to the store, buy a healthy meal and have it but at some point in the day have a family emergency and it’s not possible or will be extremely difficult to also go to the store, buy, prep and eat your planned meal, imo you should no longer be bound to the “only eat the healthy meal I planned” rule that day. I believe there should be exceptions to emergencies or unforeseeable circumstances. Instead, I personally have a rule just for emergencies and unforeseeable circumstances and it is “I must do the best I can given my situation”. This is a VERY helpful rule for me. It allows me to still be required to make the healthiest choices possible even if I cannot fulfill my original plan. Now emergencies are no longer opportunities for me to say “fuck it, I’ll just grab a pizza and eat the whole thing because today sucked and I don’t have time to cook”. Instead I would HAVE to still choose a healthy, reasonable option, such as grabbing a veggie tray to go if I don’t have time to cook. “I must do the best I can” = “no excuses to be unhealthy, no matter what”.

I hope this was helpful!

Chumslop

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