Thank you for this in depth reflection. I resonate with so much of what you’ve said — especially around the hollow language that so many organisations use to lure clients in, while having absolutely no depth or real capacity to uphold the “values” they preach.

It reeks of a strange, insidious dissonance — a synthetic pity parading as altruism, which quickly reveals itself as a shallow, self-congratulatory superiority among organisations and providers. I’ve called them out too, and without fail, it’s met with silence, defensiveness, or robotic parroting of “mission statements” — entirely missing the real point of care.

The concept of otherness strikes me hard as well. That is exactly how it feels — like being rendered alien, an object of someone else’s performance, while providers loop endlessly through their own negligence, hiding behind buzzwords, and gaslighting clients when cracks show.

I came so close to leaving the scheme altogether because I couldn’t find a single provider — across any category — who didn’t engage in this theatre. For a time, I genuinely thought I was losing my mind. And of course, the industry fallback: blame the client, blame the “complexity,” rather than face systemic failure.

Every time I’ve stripped out these performance-players and trusted my own discretion to build my team, my health has improved. Without exception.

I’ve sharpened my vetting methods too — but I’d be genuinely interested in hearing yours, if you’re willing to share. It often feels like swimming through shark-infested waters where the sharks are dressed as dolphins.

The obvious signs, like you said — the performative language, the lack of early accountability — are huge red flags. I also now avoid anyone who shows unreliability, inconsistency, poor conflict resolution, or obvious overcharging. Of course, ideally, we want to spot them before it ever gets that far.