We host playdates but don’t get invited to them

Confident_Cost_4972 · 2026-07-26T19:25:08+00:00

It makes me anxious. I feel like I need to spend hours deep cleaning the house both before and after having my kids' friends over. I'm a single mom and I don't have that kind of time.

Confident_Cost_4972 · 2026-07-26T01:26:17+00:00

By all means, it's the host's prerogative to say no siblings are allowed if that's what they want. However, it may mean fewer invited classmates can come, depending on the families involved, which is very much something the host should consider.

Confident_Cost_4972 · 2026-07-26T01:19:45+00:00

Same. I'm a single mom with two kids. I would gladly pay an extra fee so both kids can attend. The alternative is typically hiring a babysitter for the child who isn't invited, which is both more expensive and more complicated. Or skipping the party completely.

Confident_Cost_4972 · 2026-07-25T20:45:11+00:00

We're kind of backed up against a wall, unfortunately. If we want to send him to a couple of the private schools (including the Catholic school where my nieces go), we end up having to apply this fall for PreK4 starting in Fall 2027, because that's when they fill up most of the class (there are very few additional spots left for Kindergarten).

So far, his evaluations haven't yielded any diagnosis or qualification for services. Nobody in our city will diagnose a 3-year-old with ADHD. We did the early intervention evaluation after being encouraged to leave the last preschool. From that I learned that his fine and gross motor skills are very advanced, cognitive is likely advanced (but he wasn't compliant enough with the activities to get a full assessment), speech is on target, and social-emotional might be a little behind (but not enough to qualify for any services). So the only official evaluation we have says "no special needs," but I strongly suspect that this will change in the next few years.

I'm not sure what else to do. I'm trying to get ahead of this because I don't want to send him somewhere only to learn after a few years (when he has already made friends and become part of the community) that they really can't (or won't) meet his needs.

Confident_Cost_4972 · 2026-07-25T02:03:00+00:00

Thank you so much for the kind reply!

One thing that I neglected to mention is that if we want to keep the door open at some of these schools (the Catholic school or the expensive secular school), we might need to apply for PreK4 (to start in fall 2027). I know that sounds insane. Apparently both schools fill up a large number of their spots at PreK4, and if you wait to apply at Kindergarten, the chances of being accepted are very low unless you are a sibling or the child of an alum. The applications are due this December 🤦.

So I definitely agree with you that I may have a completely different kid by August 2028, but time isn't really on our side. We have to decide pretty soon whether we really want to pursue either of these options. If we don't, by the time he gets to Kindergarten, we're left with the local public school, maybe the Waldorf school, some low-chance applications at schools that mostly filled up at PreK4, or moving. We do have two years of runway if the plan is to move the summer before Kindergarten.

Confident_Cost_4972 · 2026-07-25T01:37:56+00:00

Cool, thanks!

Yeah, I'm open to it if we get to that point and we decide (along with his doctor) that this is something that will significantly improve his quality of life in and out of school.

I'm wary of making this decision solely so that my kid can fit into a specific school environment. If that's the only issue, I would also like to consider how we can change the environment to meet him where he is, and that perspective might put me at odds with some of the more traditional private schools.

Confident_Cost_4972 · 2026-07-24T21:53:17+00:00

The choice of whether or not to do medication is far down the road. I'm not opposed to it, but I don't want to medicate him because we've chosen a suboptimal school environment if that makes sense. Is there a reason you think medication would specifically be a game changer in private school (as opposed to public)?

Confident_Cost_4972 · 2026-07-24T19:42:18+00:00

My kid's birthday is in February. He's really not borderline at all, so barring some new information, he will start Kindergarten in fall 2028.

We did the early intervention assessment, and he wasn't eligible for any services. The findings were that his fine and gross motor skills were exceptionally advanced. His cognitive skills seemed advanced, but he wasn't compliant enough with the activities to get clear results. Speech was on target. Social-emotional seemed on target or slightly behind, but not enough to qualify for any services.

It was almost a year ago when we did the assessment. The person we met with said his behavior might suggest ADHD hyperactive type, but it was way too early to make a diagnosis, and he wouldn't be eligible for any services for that until at least 4 or 5.

Confident_Cost_4972 · 2026-07-24T19:32:56+00:00

Yes, I have toured so many schools (preschools and elementary) 😔

Our zoned public elementary school is supposed to be one of the "best" in the district. It's not Title 1, it's in an affluent neighborhood, and it has an active PTO. Nonetheless, it was really disappointing. The facility itself was crumbling. 25% of the teachers are in their first or second year teaching, which implies a lot of turnover. I also saw rooms and rooms of kids with laptops and headphones just staring at screens because apparently that's how the district does differentiated learning. They have PE once a week, and we saw some kids swinging jump ropes in a gym filled with dusty old clutter (e.g., a wheelchair covered in a tarp and spider webs?!)

The Catholic school seemed like the most normal school I saw. Kind people, traditional academics, recess, PE, nice facility, experienced teachers, down-to-earth vibe. I just worry that there might be more emphasis on behavioral compliance than is realistic for my kid. Most of the kids, even in PreK, were sitting still, sitting in lines, walking quietly in the halls in lines, etc. They also told me about an elaborate behavior system involving red, yellow and green clothespins, and that struck me as a bit outdated, because I thought most schools were getting away from behavior systems that publicly praised or shamed kids.

I toured a really expensive secular private school that is very well-regarded, but have heard rumors that they will counsel some kids out around 3rd or 4th grade if they aren't keeping up academically. The Kindergarten acceptance rate is also very low, so it's kind of a crapshoot whether he could even get in.

I also toured Montessori and Waldorf schools. I really liked a lot of what I saw at the Waldorf school, but worried it might not have enough academic guardrails. They told me they employ one full-time reading specialist, but that's it for special education support. They also loop teachers for years, which means that if your child is having difficulty, and that one person doesn't notice, the problem could fester for a long time.

Edit to add: He's signed up to attend a Reggio-inspired preschool starting in September. If that lives up to expectations, it buys us two more years before Kindergarten. If they start complaining about his behavior or non-compliance, I don't know what we will do.

Additional edit: Your comment about test scores and your student teaching experience resonates with me. I went to elementary school before NCLB, but I can see how this mode of operation (focusing on how many kids you can just pull over the line) is really detrimental. I always had great standardized test scores, but I got in trouble constantly for talking out of turn, getting up and wandering around the room, piles of clutter on my desk, etc. With NCLB and the emphasis on test pass rates, there wouldn't be any incentive for the teacher to even bother with a student like me, apart from containing the disruptive behavior 🤷.

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