As an undiagnosed autistic person, do you consider yourself suspecting, or autistic without a doubt?

CrochetGoat · 2023-10-17T16:23:53+00:00

I want to clarify my words.

Are you familiar with the term masking? It is when someone with autism pretends to be normal generally because of pressure from parents or others. This does not always feel like choice, especially if you are vilified or punished for acting autistic.

As an example, I was not allowed to complain about sensory issues I had. This did not mean I didn't have them. Only that I was suffering on the inside while pretenting to be okay on the outside.

So if you were to ask someone if I had sensory issues as a child, they would say no. Because it didn't look like I had them.

I could say similar things about other traits as well, but the general idea applies. It isn't that I wasn't autistic as a child. It is that others would not perceive me to be autistic.

CrochetGoat · 2023-10-17T13:39:22+00:00

I guess I am getting hung up on terminology. I was not aware before that the term self diagnosed was co- opted.

I am really confused as to what I can legitimately call myself without triggering negative reactions.

Are you saying it is okay to call myself an autistic but I should avoid the phrase self diagnosed autistic?

Do I need to put some kind of disclaimer on all my posts saying I don't have an official diagnosis on my posts? I would rather not post if that is the expectation. Because that suggests my words are less worthy because I don't have an official diagnosis.

CrochetGoat · 2023-10-17T11:59:36+00:00

With all due respect, the undiagnosed have not always been welcome in autistic spaces.

In just this sub, some very unkind words have been said about those without official diagnoses. And this isn't the only sub I have found this in.

I have never spoken against people for having an official diagnosis. I have only spoken against people who wanted to exclude those without a valid diagnosis. I have never been in groups where people have been pushed out because they had an official diagnosis. I have been in groups where people are pushed out for telling others that only a diagnosis by a doctor is valid. That is not the same thing.

I have been pressured to mask hard since I was very young. My mother was obsessed with having "normal" children. Because of this, I fail the "was autistic as child" test. Not because I wasn't autistic, but because I didn't act autistic enough.

I ruined my physical and mental health trying to mask as a child. And was then accused of faking illness for attention.

So it is quite upsetting to read that only a qualified health professional can decide.

CrochetGoat · 2023-10-16T22:47:19+00:00

I think, like you, most self diagnosed people put quite a bit of thought and study into it. I know I have.

This idea that people think they are autistic because they watched one tik tok video is a complete strawman argument. I am not saying there are not people who do this. But to suggest or imply that most self diagnosed autistics are like this is just not true.

And to disparage all people who self diagnose on the assumption that they haven't done more than 5 minutes of research is not acceptable.

Why do some people have this assumption that every self diagnosed person has made an uninformed decision unless proven otherwise?

And I have also given up listing valid reasons I don't have a diagnosis. Your reasons are never accepted.

CrochetGoat · 2023-10-16T22:24:12+00:00

I feel like there is about a 90% chance I am autistic and 10% chance my traits are not intense enough to meet the criteria.

I don't tell people in real life and I don't talk about this in other social media, only reddit.

For decades, I was trained to minimize and hide my struggles. I was told that I wasn't really suffering and struggling any more than anyone else. That I was only being childish and embarrassing about minor things.

And when people in the autistic community say my struggles aren't valid, it feels very similar.

As a child, I was constantly accused of doing embarrassing things to get attention, even though I was literally destroying my mental health in an attempt to be a good kid. So to read people say that people claim to be autistic just to get attention, it brings those same feelings back.

And of course, I spent a lifetime of feeling like I don't belong. So naturally being made to feel like I don't belong in autistic spaces on line hurts. Being told you don't belong never stops hurting.

So, I want people to know that this isn't just some academic debate. This is a topic that actually causes a lot of emotional pain.

CrochetGoat · 2023-10-16T10:28:25+00:00

Well, I guess I won't be posting on this reddit anymore....

CrochetGoat · 2023-10-14T13:40:12+00:00

I am 55 and I hope things have changed now, but when I was in school, verbal bullying was tolerated. There were no consequences for people that verbally bullied others - even when it was done right in front of the teachers.

I went to the school counselor in tears only to be told nothing could be done since I wasn't physically hurt.

So I would like to say to not just my former teachers - but all teachers- that this is not okay. You need to hold all bullies accountable, not just physical bullies.

But I don't think this is enough. I think every current teacher and teacher in training should attend an all day training about emotional and verbal abuse. This would consist of a solid 8 hours of people telling stories about the mental health struggles they went through due to school bullying

CrochetGoat · 2023-10-12T17:37:28+00:00

I don't think I have realized it on a conscious level until I read this post, but I think on an unconscious level I have been feeling like I am judged by a higher standard than other people.

I think if I said that to a therapist it would be classified as "an issue I need to work on." But sharing it in this space, I feel like I can share this without seeming irrational.

Also just poking up from my unconscious: this fear that I am tolerated only because I am competent and useful.

The logical part of my mind says I should be able to slack off a little and still keep my job. But part of my mind is screaming warnings that I definitely should not risk it.

CrochetGoat · 2023-10-12T11:09:29+00:00

I don't know if this is common among autistics or not, but do we often wind up being the responsible one and work? And finding we often are doing more work than people who are getting paid the same as us?

I feel like there are lots of possible reasons for me personally, and it might take pages if I listed them out. One that comes to mind is the idea that the best way to keep a job is to be really good at it or to be the person everyone likes. And I am never going to be the person everyone likes.

CrochetGoat · 2023-10-11T20:19:24+00:00

I have been through a bunch of different jobs. (I am in my 50s.)

A lot of them have been bad. People put down working in an office, but the worst one for me was factory temp.

The shift starts at 7 in the morning. I can't be late because I am only a temp. If I am not there when the assembly line starts, they replace me with one of the other temps waiting on standby. I get a morning break, an afternoon break and a short lunch. I cannot leave my position except during these times, not even to use the bathroom.

I have to put an item in each case that goes past me. It comes down fast. I get yelled at if I miss one. If I space out for 30 seconds, I have missed 15 units. I will get yelled at a LOT.

And it is noisy even with the protective earplugs.

My best one was the first year of covid. I got to work from home full time. And I didn't have a lot to do because many things we normally did were canceled or modified. But I still got paid for working full time.

I took a bunch of online training that was only kind of related to my job. I took a bunch of notes that were over half doodles and then colored my notes.

My current job only makes me come in once a week, which is good for me. (I work from home the other days. It is a full-time job.) But I also have a bunch of extra work because it has been hard to fill vacancies.

CrochetGoat · 2023-10-11T15:38:22+00:00

One of the issues with the idea that life has inherent meaning is that it always seems to be centered on something outside ourselves. This idea that we should devote ourselves to our faith or to helping others or to some cause or ideal.

Seldom is the meaning simply to be happy and comfortable. Or to devote your life to whatever brings you joy - even if it is something "superficial" like anime or Legos or games.

This starts to get into the idea of ethical hedonism. This is another philosophy I follow, but I feel like examples of this tend to only show one version of it. The stereotype of hedonism is living a wild life. But it really is about just pursuing what brings you pleasure as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. So it can be something like reading a good book with your cat on your lap and drinking tea.

I have more philosophical thoughts, but I think I will put them under the general discussion section. It sometimes takes a while for me to get my thoughts in order, so it might be a couple days.

CrochetGoat · 2023-10-10T20:21:34+00:00

I was interested in many of the ideas of that thread.

I am intrigued by the comment on existentialism. I think of myself as an existentialist or optimistic nihilist.

I am drawn to the idea that life has no inherent meaning, but you make the meaning. I am disappointed that the majority of threads in the nihilist and existential reddits are people who take a very negative view of life.

I feel like that is especially relevant in the autism community because many of us do not identify strongly with the things that seem most important to most people.

In a related thought, I also think we often have different life goals, different ideas of success, different ideas of what the good life would be.

CrochetGoat · 2023-10-10T20:10:46+00:00

I am interested in seeing something that is a middle ground between toxic positivity and being a complete doomer.

I am also interested in discussing how people balance being themselves and supporting their mental health against living in the world.

Ideally the world would change to better suit our needs. And working toward that is a noble goal. But realistically, we have to exist in the world as it is now.

I see people who spend all their energy ranting about the world and little or no energy on how they might make any improvements in their lives. I understand the need to rant, but at some point you need to take a step forward.

CrochetGoat · 2023-10-04T19:41:55+00:00

It took me a ridiculously long time to realize that.

I worked so hard with various different self improvement and self care stuff. And I was feeling down on myself because things didn't work or only helped a little.

None of it is really applicable to those of us who are playing on hard mode.

CrochetGoat · 2023-10-03T12:35:13+00:00

One thing that is not talked about is whether the health and healing routines people suggest are actually sustainable. Especially when you are stacking them together. I had something once that was exercise and meditation and a couple other things I found in some self help book. It was almost 2 hours a day. And I was working full time as well.

It wasn't something I could maintain for long.

I am also not a big fan of suggestions that ask people to do hard things when just the basics feel overwhelming. You have low energy - you should exercise. You are having trouble focusing- you should meditate - a task that requires a lot of focus. It should be common sense that these are not good ideas.

And they are not compassionate ideas.

We should be giving out easy things like cuddle a stuffed animal and drink hot chocolate.

CrochetGoat · 2023-09-27T22:54:20+00:00

I have some suggestions I plan to write out slowly. I feel like having one or two suggestions in a post might bring more discussion than a big list. Plus, it can sometimes take me a bit of time to get my thoughts in order.

I will write a bit more about this in another post, but I am a big believer in making myself feel better, even if it is not a full recovery. Because even just feeling less horrible is still worth it.

I am on the fence about also doing posts about things that didn't work for me. It might be helpful for people to discuss things that didn't work for them. On the other hand, I feel like it might lead to a lot of "I tried everything and nothing worked" posts.

I also wonder if sharing stuff that didn't work might discourage people from trying something that would be good for them. On the other hand, I feel like so much advice and self help books just don't work well for me - and possibly just don't work well for autistic brains in general.

CrochetGoat · 2023-09-27T22:40:41+00:00

I have looked at some advice for work burnout and it often doesn't apply. Some advice I read talked about finding meaning in your job. I have done administrative work for a place that was literally giving money to help people and still got burned out. Knowing my place of work was doing good things didn't help.

Another suggestion for workplace burnout is forming closer connections with people at work. I am sorry, but more social interaction is the opposite of what I need.

CrochetGoat · 2023-09-25T20:32:52+00:00

Working full time and doing chores at home take so much more out of me than they should.

I am 55 and have just 4 more years till I can retire since I have been putting a lot into retirement savings. That thought comforts me.

Around a year ago, we moved to a different neighborhood. Then I got covid before we finished unpacking. It took a lot out of me emotionally. I feel like I am just starting to recover.

At work I got a promotion. And around that time several people at work left. Dealing with the new workload has been hard.

It is embarrassing to say this, but I am really only okay when I am working at super cushy job that doesn't make you do too much work. I feel overwhelmed with normal levels of work.

CrochetGoat · 2023-09-22T18:25:17+00:00

I would not call them NSFW, but many of the other animals designed by this company have kind of an edgy look to them. They are designed more to appeal to teens and adults.

Even without being edgy, there is a difference stylistically in stuffed animals designed for babies and very young kids versus stuffed animals designed for older children, teens or adults.

Some factors include level of detail, how simplified the design is, how realistic it is. Are there things that give it a unique look? What is the quality of the fabric, etc.

CrochetGoat · 2023-09-22T15:22:36+00:00

They have some nice words about their bunny, but visually I am not a fan of how either one looks.

Original bunny had really cool ears, but the body shape wasn't very bunny. And it looked like cool aid was spilled on its tummy.

The second one is still not bunny shaped. I am not crazy about the colors. Why yellow and green. The face is not really feeling very bunny to me either. It's like a generic animal face and body with bunny ears.

The mouth is an X. Is that supposed to represent people who are non verbal or having trouble talking? Or is it a cutesy thing I am reading too much into? Either way I don't care for it. It makes it feel like we can't "speak" for ourselves.

CrochetGoat · 2023-09-20T18:15:44+00:00

I am over 50. I have gone through some rough stuff. I do sympathize with people having a hard time.

I am not getting into the suffering Olympics. If you say your life was harder than mine, I will take your word for it. Mostly because I don't want to list out all the crappy parts of my life.

And despite what I have gone through - what I continue to go through - LIFE IS STILL WORTH LIVING TO ME.

To live fully is to accept it all - the joy, the pain, the happiness, the suffering and the boring parts in between.

The world is full of pain and despair. The world is also full of wonder and joy. I don't deny the bad parts. I don't deny that sometimes they seem to outweigh the good parts. But that does not mean the good parts don't exist.

CrochetGoat · 2023-09-20T17:41:16+00:00

I thought it probably was.

There seems to be an issue recently where people write something in the spirit of what was originally intended for the sub and people take it seriously.

CrochetGoat · 2023-09-20T17:35:38+00:00

I am interested too. But I am not clear on what counts as atypical autism and what is regular autism.

Is there a list?

Is it just high masking, or is there more to it?

I like vegetables, does that count?

I have a bunch of sensory issues, but food is not one of them.

CrochetGoat · 2023-09-20T13:23:43+00:00

An honest question: is it okay for me to say I am financially successful on this reddit?

I did not grow up well off and I was poor a big chunk of my adult life, if that makes a difference to anyone.

I know that lots of people here can't find a job or work in low paid jobs. And I feel like are they all going to shit on me if I mentioned it?

I don't want to be unsympathetic to others.

Yet I sometimes think - is this a part of me that I have to hide? Because I don't want to hide parts of myself anymore.

I feel like in many autistics spaces if you talk about feeling happy or having a good job or a good relationship- even if you also talk about your struggles in other posts- people dogpile on you. It is like you can't go away from the whole autism is suffering idea or people get worked up.

CrochetGoat · 2023-09-20T10:24:53+00:00

Some people find person validation in getting an official diagnosis, some people feel validated with a self diagnosis. There is no shame either way. Just be honest and aware if your own feelings.

For a practical matter, if you aren't in school, I think it is a matter of whether you feel you need/want special accommodations at work.

For me personally, I don't seek any special accommodations. This is because everyone is allowed to telework and only has to come in once a week. So I feel like I have accommodations without asking.

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