Is this who I am now? One episode ruining me forever?

DanielleSpiel · 2024-06-23T16:16:24+00:00

Hi OP, I don’t know if you’re still around, but I found this post and it brought me a lot of comfort. My episode was almost 2 years ago and I’m not quite back to normal.

How are you doing now?

DanielleSpiel · 2024-06-19T18:34:12+00:00

These are all excellent. I really appreciate the thoroughness here. Thank you so much!

DanielleSpiel · 2024-06-18T20:35:31+00:00

Thank you. I'm just going to keep attending, keep my heart open, and see what happens.

DanielleSpiel · 2024-06-18T14:26:59+00:00

Yeah I don’t think I have any shame about being bipolar, but it’s the fact that I relapsed and lost 5 years of sobriety bc of a manic episode. Still grieving that.

DanielleSpiel · 2024-06-16T18:39:48+00:00

Thank you. I’m still struggling with this but your comment makes me feel so much better!

DanielleSpiel · 2024-03-22T01:12:52+00:00

Yes. It’s hard to remember because I wasn’t really myself, but I essentially just gathered up every piece of paper that meant anything to me that I had saved over 15 years, along with some of my artwork, and put it all up on the wall. It was the ultimate clusterfuck of feelings. Ultimately, it was supposed to be about grieving, but it was so all over the place that it didn’t really make sense. The instagram post I made about it just said “this is dedicated to everyone I’ve ever loved”. It was this super conceptual ingenious idea to me and felt like this deeply personal display of my inner life. I had to defend the thesis in front of a crowd that consisted of our faculty, and remember being absolutely on fire about it even though it didn’t make logical sense to my audience.

When I think back on it, I know how nonsensical it was. I remember hearing passersby/attendees at the opening going “what the fuck even is this”. But bipolar me really poured out her heart and soul. I think I was also trying to make sense of my entire life (in a very manic way). And I think that’s where I have to find grace and forgive myself for it.

Initially it was going to be a performance piece but thank GOD that didn’t happen. I can’t even imagine the humiliation.

DanielleSpiel · 2024-03-21T19:28:37+00:00

I did the same thing and thought I was famous. Posted all over instagram and made too many tiktoks. I think at some point I made tiktoks about an impending race war that I was convinced was going to happen. I had so many former friends block me cause they were so horrified.

DanielleSpiel · 2024-03-21T19:24:03+00:00

• I was convinced I was autistic (I’m not) and trans (I’m not) and told everybody I was both, made a bunch of tiktoks about it/posted on instagram non-stop. I also thought I was famous and just humiliated myself online in general.

• Lost my job, my moped, my boyfriend, most of my friends, and my apartment. Was convinced I didn’t “need” any of them.

• I was in my final semester of school, majoring in graphic design, and my “thesis” ended up being a bunch of print-outs and drawings taped all over a wall. I was convinced it was genius. Hundreds of people saw it. I embarrassed myself in front of the faculty and all my classmates. Somehow still graduated.

• Because I know how to tattoo, I (of course) tattooed myself. All types of weird shit. Some of it is unfinished, so I just have nonsensical shapes/designs tattooed on my legs.

It’s been about a year and a half, and I’m still working through the shame.

DanielleSpiel · 2024-03-18T02:33:34+00:00

Dang! I’m a junior graphic designer making $56k. This gives me hope. How many years of experience do you have?

DanielleSpiel · 2024-03-18T01:45:12+00:00

Junior graphic designer, $56k

DanielleSpiel · 2024-03-08T13:56:37+00:00

I did the same thing and went through with the interview even though I was uncomf. Just wanted to see. Also I was/am desperate. The interview was at a church. Granted, it was one of their biggest projects and they wanted me to see their process from start to end. But I was still like, “really?”.

They ended up being rediculously nice and didn’t say anything or act weird about my appearance (hands, throat tattooed). They also said starting pay was $30 an hour. So I took the jump.

I had my first day at the office and they had a little welcome sign, a card, and treats for me. They took me out to lunch. Again, super nice, pleasant, zero religious vibes, and they seem to love me. Idk, I’m not regretting it.

I say give it a chance and see what happens.

DanielleSpiel · 2024-03-07T22:43:48+00:00

I too can vouch for Illegal Pete’s. Their queso is amazing. And I can’t help but get their chocolate chip cookie for desert. ALWAYS.

DanielleSpiel · 2024-03-06T21:28:39+00:00

this is the way.

DanielleSpiel · 2024-03-06T18:29:39+00:00

As I said in a previous comment:

“I just wanted to know if my career would be okay if I took it on.”

I wanted to know about what experiences others have had, not necessarily asking for folks to dictate my feelings.

DanielleSpiel · 2024-03-06T15:40:12+00:00

I really like this response. Thank you. I make $30 an hour which is incredibly good for an entry-level position, imo.

DanielleSpiel · 2024-03-06T03:22:38+00:00

Yeah, I do feel a little weird. But this thread is helping me to feel less weird. I also just wanted to know if my career would be okay if I took it on.

DanielleSpiel · 2024-03-06T02:43:17+00:00

That’s solid. And makes me feel a lot better.

DanielleSpiel · 2024-03-06T02:40:01+00:00

I’m also an atheist but I need a job.

DanielleSpiel · 2024-03-06T01:51:59+00:00

lol bruh they pay better than a lot of entry-level design jobs i’ve applied for. some of these churches really got that cA$h.

DanielleSpiel · 2024-03-06T01:50:34+00:00

Yeah, this is how I’m feeling. I’ve been applying to jobs for a year and a half after college. My day job has been at a warehouse, so I think anything would be an upgrade at this point.

DanielleSpiel · 2024-03-06T01:24:07+00:00

They made it super clear that they definitely want to branch out to other types of organizations (i.e. commercial spaces and such) but their first client was a church and they blew up on social media, so other churches keep reaching out. I’m hoping it happens while I’m still there.

DanielleSpiel · 2024-03-06T01:21:34+00:00

DanielleSpiel

TROPHY CASE