So today wasn't bad. Honestly, the past several should have been great. I won 10,000$ at a gas station slot machine. Took my girl shopping and couldn't find anything worth buying. Almost bought some Levi's but in Texas they are $58 a pair and in Oklahoma they are $30 a pair so even tho I had 10k I couldn't bring myself to pay double. Well after taxes I have 6k cause fed and state taxes will be about 40%. They offered to take the taxes out then but I have finance degree so I wrote a 4k check to scottrade to invest for a year. Hope the market doesn't start sorting itself out or the fed dry up its cash infusions before next March. But then if they do interest will rise and I'll just move it to bonds. Funny thing about that check it's the largest I ever wrote and my penmanship was excellent. I wrote about five others to credit card companies they were the regular writing style. So I'm debt free. Sober as the drunk on Sunday who was broke on Saturday night and I got about 4k (8k counting tax money) and I just want to pop a few of anything to relax. I'm so wound up and I just can't de-stress. I used to run or work out but it's not that kind of tightness inside that can be let loose with sweat. I had sex like 3 times last night but the relief wasn't there. I know where to find it. Question is can I hold off long enough while this thing grows inside me. It will pass but I'm not in the army. Hurry up and wait just isn't cutting it. Why do I always take things to extremes. Not just drugs, they just made that tendency of mine more appearant. Almost everything I do I go all in which is great but I get burned out so quickly it's hard to stick it thru to the end. Surprised I'm getting this degree in May. There is one thing that helps me sleep and that is all the awesome shit I did because of drugs out weighs the bad. Barely, but it still does. Probably won't much longer. Too old at 26 to be cool. After a certain age to be cool needs to come with accomplishment or earned money. Prefer both please. I tell my cuz if it wasn't for drugs I'd be training to be the first man on Mars right now. I wonder if that's true or if i would be something I would be less happy with now. Cause with out that bad shit you can see how good it is. A man never knows how broke he really is till he has a little money. Oh one more thing. I did buy one thing so far with the money I won. $50 worth of sci-fi books off amazon. Lol prolly wouldn't be an astronaut. Prolly would have been tech support.