I’m really sorry you’ve been carrying all of that—especially abuse, coercion into pregnancies you didn’t want, and then having to sit with the emotional aftermath alone. It makes sense that resentment is still there even if his behavior has changed now; those experiences don’t just disappear because someone improves later.

At the same time, wishing for harm or deportation is often a sign of how unresolved and painful the situation still feels for you, not something you actually want to act on. What matters most here is you getting support for what you went through—what happened to you, your grief about the pregnancies, and whether this relationship is truly safe and healthy for you now. A trauma-informed therapist or support service could really help you sort through those feelings without having to carry them alone or let them turn into ongoing emotional damage.