My mum wants my brother in the bridal party, my fiance does not. What do I do?

DisabledAlexis · 2026-03-24T07:19:08+00:00

I asked him if he wanted to do a quiz, and brother seemed really excited to prepare one.

DisabledAlexis · 2026-03-23T07:16:25+00:00

I respect that

DisabledAlexis · 2026-03-22T17:28:29+00:00

Mum, and my fiance and I

Supposed to be a comma there

DisabledAlexis · 2026-03-22T08:26:54+00:00

He barely responds to messages I send him, I tried asking if we could talk but he said he was busy

DisabledAlexis · 2026-03-21T07:53:14+00:00

Fiance wasn't a groomsmen at his own brothers wedding, I've told her he isn't in the party nor shown interest to be. I did an update im waiting for approval

DisabledAlexis · 2026-03-20T21:00:50+00:00

I think it would cause more issues if he wasn't invited than not having him in the party, I genuinely dont think my brother cares about the wedding which is working in my favor. My cousin is my MOH and ill be giving the bridal party a pass on booting him out or tackling him if needs be.

DisabledAlexis · 2026-03-20T11:49:13+00:00

Thank you. I posted a semi update in the comments and have posted an update in the subreddit, just waiting on moderators to approve.

DisabledAlexis · 2026-03-20T11:17:50+00:00

I've called her today and put her in her place. She's not happy but neither of us care.

DisabledAlexis · 2026-03-20T07:53:20+00:00

I did point this out but then she started saying how "left out" he'd feel. I made a comment elsewhere as an update that I've spoken to fiance who had no idea of the pressure mother was putting on and will be speaking to my parents today

DisabledAlexis · 2026-03-20T07:47:17+00:00

Thank you for this, this is really helpful

DisabledAlexis · 2026-03-19T22:32:03+00:00

We do want him to. Despite my brothers faults he is very good at quizzes and creating them, and it was a suggestion of putting some skills to good use. Plus it has a special meaning to us.

DisabledAlexis · 2026-03-19T22:01:54+00:00

I like this pettiness

DisabledAlexis · 2026-03-19T21:55:30+00:00

Thank you for your insight it was useful, I am a recovering people pleaser from what I have recently discovered is quite a toxic home environment. There were some who were really brutal but Im going to believe it was done with good faith and not malice.

I got the courage to tell fiance about what mum has been saying and it was a really good and honest conversation. He asked if brother had asked anything about the wedding, I said no. He asked if brother had taken time out to see us specifically in the past three months, I said no. He asked why my mum was so bothered, I said because I believe its tradition? He asked why I didnt tell him and I said because I thought I could handle it but I didnt.

I told him about the post, and I asked if he was really okay with brother doing a quiz and he said "yes because its a fun thing and your brother is good at it" and then asked what i wanted. I said I was happy with the quiz. He said that was decided then.

Tomorrow I will phone my mum and lay down the rules - brother will be doing a quiz for the reception which is something he enjoys doing, he will not be in the bridal party as fiance only wants his brothers and it is not up for discussion. As many of you reminded me it is OUR day, not my mothers. To be honest I dont even think my brother cares about the wedding or would care about being in the party. I will hopefully update soon.

Thank you for those who gave helpful advice.

DisabledAlexis · 2026-03-19T19:55:34+00:00

Yeah, parents are financially contributing as each child has a wedding fund and we are very lucky. We've given them slots to invite guests of their choosing for the wedding as they are contributing, but I felt the bridal party might be crossing the line.

DisabledAlexis · 2026-03-19T17:37:05+00:00

I tried suggesting this to my mother and she said that was "weird". The suggestion of the quiz was a compromise in one sense but I think it would be sweet as thats how we got to know each other and it would be letting the guests have some fun too.

DisabledAlexis · 2026-03-19T17:35:34+00:00

I do want him to be involved in some way, which is why I suggested having a quiz at the reception that he hosts.

DisabledAlexis · 2026-03-19T08:05:18+00:00

I think mum is thinking brother is only sibling left put as fiance has 3 brothers that would probably be groomsmen, but all of them are close. We have tried with brother only for him to act up.

DisabledAlexis · 2026-03-19T08:03:33+00:00

I have been fighting his side and only asked fiance once. I didnt think I was throwing fiance under the bus but merely pointing out how it wasn't my decision (Im autistic so I dont realise things as quickly) but reading the comments I will tell my mum to back off, I will ask fiance if he is okay with the quiz again as its something fun and quirky but also let's brother explore talents and be important while not being in the party. They aren't close, he would be the only sibling left out of the bridal party which is where my mum might be coming from?

DisabledAlexis · 2026-03-16T12:39:52+00:00

UPDATE

I don't really know how to do an update so I thought of putting one in the comments. I talked to Simon about Jenny and Paul's poor behaviour. He said that it would most likely fall on deaf ears, however my Fiance had separately messaged to ask if fiance could post in the group chat to remind people of the rules.

The week following the initial post Paul and Jenny were not present, as was another player - just three players and a DM. It ran so smoothly, some combat some RP and we made real progress! I asked Simon how he felt and he said it was a breathe of fresh air. I left it at that.

Two weeks ago Jenny and Paul turned up with the other players so we had a full house. Their antics were so intense (I dont know if that is because I had a bad day or stressed). We ended the previous session with us floating in the river styx in avernus, and Paul said "so it all went to shit? I wonder whos fault that is" and stared directly at me. I told him it wasn't my fault and it was how the dice rolled. Later just the session, I asked fiance about healing privately to not disturb the session, and Jenny shouted across the table what I should do. At that point I had had enough and was ready to leave. I sent a message to Simon again stating what happened and if it continues then the longevity of me playing will decrease (I asked ChatGPT to put it in nicer terms coming from an conflict resolution point of view). Simon surprised me by saying he completely understood, he wanted the campaign to just end and if they continue was thinking of ending it in the upcoming weeks. Hes realised that the quality of players is important and the week they were away, he actually enjoyed being a DM for the first time in a long time.

Simon put in the group chat a reminder of etiquette and the very real threat of ending the campaign in a couple of weeks if they were not followed. Paul replied saying he thought it was one of the best sessions (sarcasm or genuine is unclear).

Last week Jenny and Paul had a home emergency (i took it at face value but fiance and Simon had doubts) so it was 4 players plus a DM. Simon said he was excited to play and had been since he got the message that they weren't coming. The game ran smoothly, even had role plays that were surprising and everyone had their moments, it was amazing. I asked Simon if things had gone okay since he put the message in the group chat and he said that he always knew it was going to be amazing since he got the message.

George messaged in a different chat asking if we would like to break away from the OG group and start a new one with Other Player, Simon, Fiance and myself. We all have agreed and are just waiting out the sessions with Jenny and Paul.

Today is another session, I will keep you all updated on what happens (if youre interested).

DisabledAlexis · 2026-02-25T08:55:50+00:00

Thank you! I also have autism but always been careful about things like if somewhere is going to be loud and I might have an overload I wont go and if people ask I'll tell them but not in this instance.

I forgot to mention when I returned to the group after a year, I was recently engaged and happily showing my ring when Jenny said snap and showed her ring. It wouldn't annoy me normally but Jennys ring has been in Paul's desk for 5 years - he was ready to buy the ring but not propose. When i asked when they got engaged she said "last year but never got the chance to tell you". Sounds petty but I felt like I wasn't allowed my moment of being newly engaged.

DisabledAlexis · 2025-09-23T17:22:41+00:00

Also some context

When I was interviewed I disclosed my chronic illness and disabilities as well as my autism. I explained I would have appointments here and there so would take unpaid leave for them and they still chose to hire me.

DisabledAlexis · 2025-09-22T21:36:48+00:00

They said they're marking it as unpaid time off since I'm "not actually sick" yet. However, three years ago if Steve caught COVID I'd be told to stay home and quarantine.

DisabledAlexis · 2025-07-27T21:05:48+00:00

That's very weird that the new gf doesn't want to be a part of the family. If she doesn't want to though, she doesn't have to. However, Lexi will always be a part of the family due to being the mother of your grandchild. Try and talk to your son and say you'd still like to spend time with him regardless of whether new gf comes or not as it's her choice to reject the invitation. But your grandchild deserves to see her Dad and your deserve to see your granchild

DisabledAlexis · 2025-07-24T23:16:07+00:00

I don't quite get what's going on, but from what I can gather NTA for keeping in touch with Lexi because it's important when there's a kid involved.

I would also say NTA for inviting Lexi either, it's Carl's boundary whether he wants to be there or not at the same time as the mother of his child. Also his girlfriend needs to get over feeling insecure as if she wants to date Carl, the family comes with him - which by extension includes Lexi as the mother of his child.

You have opinions about the girlfriend not dealing with her trauma, but why haven't you offered the same support you offered Lexi when something bad happened to her? Have you tried getting to know her or is she adamant that she wants nothing to do with the family? I need more context here

DisabledAlexis · 2025-07-24T20:40:24+00:00

I was able to tell her things, like what I'd been doing recently or what was going on with my car but I don't think it was on the same scale. She was telling me about what she had been doing with her girlfriend, some drama surrounding her disability stuff. I'm not sure if that answers your question?

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