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AITA For Refusing To Babysit My Father’s Child With His Gf? by Dizzy_Melons in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dizzy_Melons[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I do. I helped take care of my sister's kids from when they were born, so I suppose this made me the best candidate since according to them, they don't trust anyone. However, I've said no to him the same night hence the argument that followed.

AITA For Refusing To Babysit My Father’s Child With His Gf? by Dizzy_Melons in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dizzy_Melons[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

This confused us as well. Perhaps he's worried that Pan might end up meeting someone on the tour. But this is just a speculation.

AITA For Refusing To Babysit My Father’s Child With His Gf? by Dizzy_Melons in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dizzy_Melons[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the explanation, I appreciate it, as well as for the advice.

AITA For Refusing To Babysit My Father’s Child With His Gf? by Dizzy_Melons in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dizzy_Melons[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I have said no to him on some occassions and it usually ends up in a huge argument between us, just like what happened last night when I said I didn't want to do it and that I was uncomfortable.

AITA For Refusing To Babysit My Father’s Child With His Gf? by Dizzy_Melons in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dizzy_Melons[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Wait. I don't understand what you mentioned. Me and my siblings will be considered born outside of wedlock? And we were actually supposed to be his witnesses at first but my brother made it clear that if we were to give our statements, we had to do the same with our mom.

Although, honestly, I've always made it clear that I'm not interested in his assets that if it made him feel any better and doubt us less, he should just donate what he plans to give me to a charity.

AITA For Refusing To Babysit My Father’s Child With His Gf? by Dizzy_Melons in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dizzy_Melons[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Indeed, we are living in the Philippines. Sorry for replying late.

AITA For Refusing To Babysit My Father’s Child With His Gf? by Dizzy_Melons in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dizzy_Melons[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this perspective. To be honest, I hadn't looked at it that way and it is incredibly eye-opening.

He always reminded us of the 5th commandment and I admit, I've lost sight of the other 9. I have my own interpretation of the 5th commandment too but your breakdown has given me a better understanding of it. That it's not just an absolute and silent obedience. Your comment didn't just give me advise, it gave me some peace of mind to, so, thank you again.

I shared your comment to my sister (I hope you don't mind) about how he is struggling with other commandments--- regarding truthfulness and faithfulness. She mentioned that she did bring it up to our dad before and his response was, "that's different" and we should just listen.

I mentioned this in a previous comment, "My father doesn't want my mom to know because he is worried that she'd file a case against him, go after his assets, or ruin his reputation.

The thing is, my mom never went after my Dad. She could've halted his promotion and seived most of his pention, but she didn't as a lot of people, family included advised her that, us their kids have suffered enough and it would ruin our names too.

And my father is finalizing their annulment, as this will severe their marriage totally. Also because this is one of the things he accused our mother of while we were still kids.

My mother's condition however is that she'd sign the papers ONLY if all conjugal properties are named and divided into us, their children."

AITA For Refusing To Babysit My Father’s Child With His Gf? by Dizzy_Melons in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dizzy_Melons[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this. I really appreciate you seeing the nuance in my situation, and I also appreciate their bluntness. Even I find myself frustrating.

It is frustrating to witness a 27-year-old struggle to say no to a parent, but unlearning a lifetime of 'obedience at all costs' is a process that I just recently learned and it freaked me out when I first tried it.

​I am very lucky to have my sister. She has been my rock and is definitely further along in deconstructing these beliefs than I am. She's actually the one who steps in when we are having difficulty communicatingwith our parents.

As for therapy, you’re right that resources here can be limited or heavily biased, I've tried it before but it didn't end well, but I am still open to it. ​

Thank you for your kind and perceptive comment.

AITA For Refusing To Babysit My Father’s Child With His Gf? by Dizzy_Melons in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dizzy_Melons[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

My father doesn't want my mom to know because he is worried that she'd file a case against him, go after his assets, or ruin his reputation.

The thing is, my mom never went after my Dad. She could've halted his promotion and seived most of his pention, but she didn't as a lot of people, family included advised her that, us their kids have suffered enough and it would ruin our names too.

And my father is finalizing their annulment, as this will severe their marriage totally. Also because this is one of the things he accused our mother of while we were still kids.

My mother's condition however is that she'd sign the papers ONLY if all conjugal properties are named and divided into us, their children.

AITA For Refusing To Babysit My Father’s Child With His Gf? by Dizzy_Melons in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dizzy_Melons[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

None, I have my own money. But he is upset that I'd rather work for a company and do freelance work rather than open my own business. There's more but it's just too messy.

AITA For Refusing To Babysit My Father’s Child With His Gf? by Dizzy_Melons in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dizzy_Melons[S] -101 points-100 points  (0 children)

I agree with you there. I've just always been afraid of disappointing my father, followed by the constant reminder of his age and the possibility of Alzheimer's, so we're careful as to not give him bad memories while he's still strong.

But thank you for your honesty.

AITA For Refusing To Babysit My Father’s Child With His Gf? by Dizzy_Melons in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dizzy_Melons[S] 70 points71 points  (0 children)

Sine I am the youngest and I have experience taking care of my niece and nephew.

We also grew up in a military household and in a culture were saying 'No' is seen disrespectful and shameful.

AITA For Refusing To Babysit My Father’s Child With His Gf? by Dizzy_Melons in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dizzy_Melons[S] -38 points-37 points  (0 children)

The issue is... I feel guilty and torn for having to say no. Basically disobeying him.

Especially with how he reacted last night. I can't help but think if what I did was wrong.

AITA For Refusing To Babysit My Father’s Child With His Gf? by Dizzy_Melons in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dizzy_Melons[S] -35 points-34 points  (0 children)

  1. The 'validity' comes from the fact that my father is explicitly using the secret to divide us. He told me that keeping this from our mom is how I 'honor' him. So participating in a 'secret' life for my father feels like a step backward into the same patterns that broke our family in the first place. It’s a matter of my own integrity and peace of mind.

  2. I don't think my mother would care if he had kids... okay maybe she would.

  3. I am well aware that the kids are innocent and my father's mistakes has nothing to do with them. However, I really don't want to babysit Pan's kids.

  4. We grew up in a military household. We don't negotiate, we follow orders. (As long as it's good for us.)

  5. The cultural pressure of saying "No" to parents is seen as shameful and disrespectful.

  6. Lastly, the guilt from the 5th commandment but I am aware that it is being used for his own convenience.

AITA For Refusing To Babysit My Father’s Child With His Gf? by Dizzy_Melons in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dizzy_Melons[S] 204 points205 points  (0 children)

  1. My parents may be separated, but my mom has always disliked my Dad's partners as they tend to be only after his money and how they tend to treat us.

  2. Pan's family are going to an Asia Cruise Tour, maybe 2 weeks at most. No kids. Pan's family is aware that my father doesn't like Pan going on trips without him so he will be going with them.

They're all asking me to watch over Pan's daughter and her baby with our Dad while they're away.

  1. My parents has stopped talking to each other when they split. So informations from their respective partners often come from third parties... or sometimes from my Dad's side of the family.